#77 Creating a Home and Tending to the Ancestral Fires

This week I’m sitting in the strange and beautiful in-between of arrival. A new home, new rhythms, new ways of inhabiting both space and self. There’s something about learning how to live in a place that mirrors learning how to live in a new phase of life… and right now, both are shifting at once.

As I move deeper into the perimenopausal threshold, I can feel the stirrings of what I’m calling the ‘Baby Crone’… a soft but powerful reordering of priorities, energy, and truth.

And weaving through it all… La Beltane Festival is just on the horizon. I’m looking forward to immersing myself in the weekend, celebrating the season and this gorgeous land, AND then being able to relax and enjoy the house and our new lives together after it’s all come together. Can’t wait for that bit!

The music and artwork is by @moxmoxmoxiemox

Nonsense in the Chaos is available on all podcast platforms or you can listen to it here… https://nonsenseinthechaos.buzzsprout.com 

I'd love to know what you think! If you want to get in touch with me about anything on the podcast then email nonsenseinthechaos@gmail.com or you can follow me on Instagram and Bluesky @kriyaarts or at the Nonsense in the Chaos Page on Facebook.

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Thank you for all your support -x-

Transcript

0:30

The. Welcome to The Nonsense in the Chaos. I'm your host Jaylee Rose. It's an absolutely stunning, sunny afternoon. I've been blown away by how gorgeous April has been'cause it's normally a Trixie month, but for some incredible reason, it's decided that this year it's going to be sunny and glorious all month. Touch wood, touching wood beltings gonna be stunning, which is in. A week and a half's time, which is a little bit scary, but also really exciting. We're settled into the house. I think I used to be a squatter, as you know, from previous podcasts, and so. My training from being a squatter is to make a house nice as quick as possible, because I was used to the fact that I might get thrown out of a space within six weeks, and so every time I moved in somewhere, I'd always get everything out as quickly as possible and make everywhere lovely and make it homely. I do it in every hotel I go to, you know, I've just lived out of a bag for so long that I always make my space habitable and nice and unpacked. Immediately, and that's what I've done here. So basically where I'm packed, there's still chaos. Like if you are watching the video of this, you can see the space and I need to Instagram. I somehow where I am, um, at the moment, I'm doing everything from my chair, which I do love. I love this chair. Because it does feel like a trophy from beating the multimillionaires. So through, yeah, them trying to do a government coup on me and me basically being the instrumental reason for them failing they left and when one of them left, they sold a load of their furniture and I got this chair. So I feel sort of like I'm sat in a throne of power sitting in this like posh person's office chair that I. Thwarted. So that's satisfying. And I've got lots of, like, I've got a nice big table to my left where I'm gonna use it as a craft table, but it's also, I, what would be ideal is if I could set up a kind of sound studio area that was all soundproofed and made it less echoy.'cause I've got a window in front of me. And yeah, I definitely need to make it better sound quality. I wanna make it a better sound quality experience for you. The listener, darling. Lovely listener. So I need to try and do that. And then I also need an alter area and somewhere where I can sit and do ceremony, but I feel like I need to be on the floor for that. So I need to kind of create a space. So I dunno there's gonna be an ongoing project of trying to make it work. The last house was definitely. The best house I've ever lived in. I absolutely loved it. It was so private and it was exactly the right size. You know, me and DIS could talk to each other, whichever room we were in, and everything was just easy to get to and reach and you know, it was all. It was like one room really. It was, it was two big rooms right next to each other with a kitchen and a bathroom off them. And it was just the right size for us, and our bed was the right size for us, and we cuddled every night and we talked to each other through, you know, whatever we were doing. We were always, we were always in each other's space, whereas now we, we phone each other. We're so far apart. Even in the bed. We bought a. The king size super king size bed, which I think I mentioned in a previous podcast.'cause the brilliant Chris Parks said that I deserved a four poster bed. Words to that effect. And, um, it made me think about that. And then when I was looking for beds for the house, because we had moved from a one bedroom house to a four bedroom house, so it was like, okay, we need, need some other beds. And I was looking for some beds and I saw a four piece of bed. And I, the one that we had was. Very comfortable and very pleasant. But, um, as soon as I saw this one, first of all, what Chris had said, was there at the forefront of my mind, but also. Because it's a modern design, so it's not one that I would have gone for off the shelf, but because it was cheap and, um, through marketplace secondhand. And I also thought about the mosquito net situation because we were always getting tangled up in our mosquito net, but we are right next to a pond here, so we definitely, in fact, the name of our house means meadow by the pond, which is nice. And so I knew that we would need thorough mosquito netting. And that's what we got. So we got this four post of bed. We, we then got a four post, well, a square four post of bed. Fly net. A mosquito net, and it's brilliant and it works, and it covers the whole bed so we can just relax and we can spread out. But it's a huge bed and it means that we are nowhere near each other anymore. And I miss him. Like, I actually miss my husband. We just, yeah, just. So spread out. It's gonna take us a little while to, I feel like goldfish in a goldfish bowl. It takes a bit of time. They fill the size of the bowl and at the moment we are still used to our small, intimate space and we need to kind of spread out into this big space. But it. Is incredible and being like our, so we are up on a slope'cause it's in a valley. And so our patio is raised above the garden and then the house is raised. So we're, when we look out of our windows, we are at the same height as the top of the trees. And they're big trees. You know, they're proper trees. And so I just, I'm looking out. Blossom and birds and I'm just surrounded by birds. It's incredible. And we bought some fruit trees, which we're, um, planting. So we've got damson and apricot and a plum tree. And we've got three apple trees already. And uh, wisteria, which is blooming and covered in flowers that are gonna grow around the house. What else are we doing? Uh, yeah, we've got people camping for Beltane, so we're gonna have loads of people camping in our garden, which I'm really excited about, but it's, um, it's a lot to try and get organized and sorted. We've got a lot to try and get done in the next week and a half. Oh God, it's, it feels sort of in hand, but it's also really scary. It's like, oh my God, there's so much to do. And yeah, just trying to get help from people to do it is a bit, arduous but trying to get blood from a stone. I'm a bit, yeah, I dunno. I, I really enjoy doing it, but it does feel every year it's just me doing it. I have some people who help and they all kind of come together at the last minute and do it, but in the whole run up to it, I'm like, hello, I just, just gonna do this on my own. Which isn't very good leadership'cause I obviously, uh, haven't inspired people to help me, which is my fault. You know, I need, I need to take that to myself. But, um, yeah, I don't, I don't really know what to do about it. Yeah, I dunno. I was sort of hoping that I was gonna hand it over like to the community generally at some point. But that doesn't feel like that's gonna be possible. So it is. Either I do it or it doesn't happen and, um, yeah, I dunno. I I enjoy it at the moment. I mean, I say that I don't really, it's just really hard work. It's really hard work and it's quite thankless as is everything. And I, I think, yeah, with the menopause it is sort of making me want to. Just not bother with anything and just be like, well sort it. I'm just gonna do stuff for me. Maybe that is what I'm gonna do. Maybe I'll stop doing the, I dunno. I like doing the mad big crazy things though. I like them happening and if I don't put them on then they don't happen. But, but yeah, maybe, maybe I'll just be a writer and uh, you know, concentrate on my own stuff. Doing the podcast and writing. That kind of thing and stop doing stuff for other people, which makes me sad. I mean, it would still be for other people.'cause obviously doing the mean ceremonies is for other people and the writing is for other people. Once it gets out there, you're giving it away, but it, it just takes me to do it rather than relying on other people. And Yeah, so I, I dunno, it's just am musings that have just happened in my head as I've been thinking. I dunno. I'm gonna be speaking differently after the festival's happened because everyone will suddenly have helped and done all the things and it will have all come together and I'll be like, oh yeah, actually I love everyone and it's great, but it's just, uh, yeah, it's just, it is like a week and a half from the festival and. And there's been a glimmer of support from people. Last year it was like the last month people started supporting, which was slower than the year before. But this year is basically the festival's about to happen. And some people have like not bothered coming to any of the meetings or, you know, so I don't know. I don't even know if they've done the things they said they were gonna do. I'm just gonna have to trust that they have, because they haven't told me that they have who knows. But anyway I'm sure it will all come together. I am loving being in this house and being in this valley and yeah, that, that's all unfolding. So it feels like the universe is very much pulling me towards. Developing my energy work because, you know, obviously this valley has this energy in it and it's pulled me to it and it's created me being here and that whole thing that I say of trusting the universe, like I trust the universe. So I joined the government because I had two people asked me to do it, and one of them just thought that I, I'd said yes to the other person. And so they just thought it was a given that I was gonna do it. And, um. And that I walked away from that second conversation was like, well that feels like the universe telling me to do this, so I should and did. And it's been really great. And you know, I helped save the island from the most recent peril that it went through. So that felt like an achievement. And, you know that I've done my bit, I did my bit for the education system and rejigged that which was a poison chalice, which I took on and did, and got it sorted. It's not, it's, going through another phase of, um, whatever it's going through at the moment, but. When I left in February, uh, everything was sorted and was, um, working well. Done my bit with that and it felt like the right thing to do. And now the university is asking me to do energy work and to learn about energy work. So it's brought me to this valley I need to look at and think about. How to clear the space and clear the atmosphere here, which has already begun with, um, the A star immersion weekend. Us doing a, a bit of a healing energy thing that we sent out in the space. Um, I, um, smudged the hell out of the whole place as soon as I got here. But then also. It just feels different. It does feel really different, especially since I came back from Jersey actually. I went away to Jersey and just had such an amazing time with those beautiful people, the McDonald's. I love them. Thank you for having me. I hope that you're listening'cause I did tell them about the podcast, so if you are listening, sending you huge love. It was such a wonderful experience staying with them and yeah, just seemed to lift. I think just having a bit of a break from. Everything here came back and suddenly everything felt a lot lighter. But I also reached out to a friend of mine who is an energy worker, who supported me with the COP 26 pilgrimage. And it was such a useful thing. Like all she, she got in touch with me before I set off and said, I want to be a support battery for you because you are the, you know, you are the center of the energy. Battery for the group. But some, it's for us to be there to support you. And I was just like, thank you. I really appreciate that. And they were like, yeah, we'll be your kind of like battery pack. And I was like, okay, that sounds amazing. And it really works. Like just knowing that there was a group of people supporting me from afar. And like sending this positive energy to me. And they were doing ceremonies and like connecting, like having, you know, zoom calls and meeting up and doing zoom, zoom calls and ceremonies together, and then feeding back what had come through. Um, that just, it just really helped, like it was such a powerful, useful thing and I really appreciated it. So. That was amazing. And I've had someone basically reach out to me and kind of ask me to do the same thing for them because they're in a, a bit of a weird situation where they feel like there's actually a group of people working against them negatively. And so they've asked for some support for. Some positive energy and it's just interesting that I've been asked to do that at the same time as moving here and feeling a bit like I need support with tackling the energy that's in this valley. And so I reached out to the woman who'd created my battery pack group for cop, and we are gonna, um, have a Zoom call and catch up and chat about. Stuff. Um, and see whether she's able to help me.'cause I think that would be, it would be really useful. And I'm just really interested in how to do this work and to be of service in this kind of way.'cause it's not something I was looking to do. It's not something that I've noticed being in my. I dunno, orbit until it became in my orbit. And then it's like, oh, okay, well I'm being pulled towards this thing and I'm being asked to explore it even though, I don't, I dunno what that means. I dunno what it is. Uh, but I'm up for giving it a go and seeing what that does. Yeah it's interesting. It definitely feels, um, a bit scary, but also, well, you know, I'm, I'm up for it. I'm, I'm a strong, powerful person. I feel like I can. Explore. I dunno, I feel like as long as I've got the right support, uh, that it should be something that's, uh, done in a protected and supported way. So yeah, I'm going to go down that road and see what happens. And then, yeah, just feeling into the menopausal. New world that I'm living in something that's made a massive difference, which has been extraordinary, is one of my best friends has just moved to soc, which was very much out of no nowhere in that I hadn't tried to make her move here. Uh, it was just, she's reached a point in her life where there was a, a space for her to be able to do anything. Like she'd quit a job and was just like looking for something to do, and she's like, well, why don't I come and do a season? Working in sarc'cause she's a chef and she's an amazing chef. And, uh, she, so I helped to get a job here and she's here to work for the summer and. There's a good chance you might fall in love with the place and not leave, which we've been joking about since. Since the whole thing began. You don't come here and then leave. Generally if you love it, like people come for the summer and do seasonal work here, but. They're normally young people in their twenties who are then going off to university. If you love it here, you love it and you don't leave. So I think there's a good chance you might end up staying here, which I'd be very much up for. But it's been so interesting to notice how my energy has completely shifted. Having someone here who I know is a stand for me and has my back. Obviously Diz does, and there are lots of people over here who do. I've got some lovely friends, especially in Guernsey. Um, there are people on SARC as well, but yeah, like it's not the same as having people that you've grown up with and spent your whole, not most of your life, like 20 years, whatever. Knowing each other, supporting each other, being a stand for each other. It is weird moving here because obviously to some extent I'm an immigrant in this situation, and so I'm like muscling my way in to groups of people that have known each other forever and are in that kind of relationship with each other. And I'm just here on my own sort of like trying to figure things out and trying to be of service and connect with people and develop those relationships. And sometimes, you know, you put people's nose out of joy. It's weird because. Here more than elsewhere. You are meeting people and brushing up against people that you wouldn't necessarily get on with or connect with in the uk, but you wouldn't, your path wouldn't have crossed. But it, yeah, it's, it's weird. It's like a weird mix of people like you are in a different kind of mix here it's much more of a. Altogether mix, which means that actually some of the people you connect with are from groups of people you wouldn't normally have met. And some people who are in the kind of group you do hang out with, you don't actually connect with. And it's weird, like, it's just like, oh, I dunno why. Like, it's not in bright. I got on with everyone. I didn't really have any issues with people. I mean, I guess there was a few instances where. Like working in collaboration, I always find if money gets involved, it always makes things a bit tricky. Actually that's probably true even over here. The, the times where relationships have gone a bit weird. It's mainly been money based situations. Money just makes things weird. Sad. Well, I mean, I'm not gonna live in that reality anymore. That's old news. But it's something that I have found in the past that it can make relationships sour. Which is a shame. It's a shame, isn't it? It's like it shouldn't do, but it does. It's to do with energy. It's you feeling like you're all putting in more energy than the person is, or or vice versa. And so it's just, uh, trying to make sure that you both are on the same page as to what you think that energy's worth, I guess. I mean, and that's really arbitrary, so yeah, it's quite tricky. It's a tricky one. Money when it comes to that sort of thing, working in collaboration with each other. It's why it's really good to have like clear contracts and that sort of thing, which I never have. I'm way too chaotic for that kind of thing, but it would be good if they were. And it's a lesson that I've learned many times, but seem to keep carrying on learning. But yeah, I think it, I think if you were in Brighton and you had that kind of experience and things went a bit sour, you may avoid them or or you work. I don't know. Your circles are bigger and you can kind of move away from people for a bit and then come back together again when you're in a bit less of a prickly place. Whereas here you just sort of keep seeing each other and there is nowhere to hide or like be away from each other. So yeah, it just feels like everything's always a bit more raw and present, which has been life enhancing. It's been enriching in terms of learning that, but that's why it's so nice to have a friend come over who. It's such a solid friend. It it's quite extraordinary how much it's made my nervous system calm and just feel like someone's got my back and it's gonna help me. Like she's helped with the house and has helped with cleaning and she cleaned out the fridge and, and has done cooking and has cooked for me. And, um, we're just gonna have such an amazing summer. We're gonna have so much fun. And then at the same time. Be helped and supported and looked after and loved and and backed up and high-fived and all these things, and it just feels really nice to have that. So that's made, yeah, made feel me feel a lot more capable. So yeah, I feel actually on top of. It all again now, which is good, I feel rejuvenated, but definitely going to Jersey and staying with the McDonald's helped with that. So we just met another wonderful family. I do collect cool families and I loved the McDonald's. They're brilliant. I'm gonna send them a gift to say thank you for putting me up'cause it was so. It was so great to meet them and it was just really interesting to be in a family of artists where they're all backing each other up and supporting each other. And, one of them was doing an exhibition and they all participated in helping her get her speech finalized and then they all saw the results of what she did and it was awesome. And they did a big chat at the end, like say, you know, I saw all of the kids at one point and they're all grownups. They were my age kind of. But um. I spoke to all of them at some point,'cause they did video calls with all of them. So they're all just in, constant communication with each other. And it just felt really special. And like my friend Ellie, who's moved here, or ese, we're gonna call her'cause there's already an Ellie on the island. So to avoid confusion and because her name actually is, we're gonna call her e uh, but because Ani Melanie's from an awesome family who are. Just a group of characters and are so intense, but also intensely best mates with each other and so much fun to be around. And I adore them and I, I love them. And then we've got the Wilson Wilsons, who's another family that I really enjoy and I'm close to. And then there's the Lloyds who are absolutely like brethren to me. So the Lloyd's and the O'Brien's, which is LAN's family, are family. Family to me. Wilsons, I'm slightly on the outskirts off, but I. I'm friends with all of them, like good mates with all of them. And then now I found the McDonald's as well. I'm like, oh, I wanna keep you, you are great. So yeah, it was, it was so much fun to go to Jersey and it was an honor to be celebrant for John and Grace's wedding and to see all my lovely friends over in the Channel Islands was such a joy as well. And to be. Hanging out in the Channel islands with people that I don't get to see very often. One of the people I don't think I'd seen for 10 years we'd worked out, which is mad just with the whole pandemic blip. It's just suddenly, jumped forwards a whole chunk of time. And I've been here six years, so it's mad, isn't it? Time absolutely flies. I look at photos of Dizz when we got together now, and he looks so young. He was really young, but it just seems weird that I've been here long enough for him to look different. Now than he did then. But obviously six years is ages. So yeah, he does look different. And, um, yeah, I just, I feel so ready for the summer, ready for us to have a great celebration of the beginning of summer with Beltane and to have all the awesomeness of the festival and. Connections and creativity and loveliness and to party here at the house. And then for that to be the beginning of us just partying. We've actually got some musicians staying here tonight who are overplaying, um, some folk music at the old hall, and that's the first time that we've had. People come and stay here. And I really want to be a good host.'cause Zenia is extremely important to me. It's something that I have grown up with my whole life. Like my family we're very normal. Like it's funny that I'm so attracted to these oddball families'cause my family we're normal and also odd in a way. When people met them at the wedding, they were all surprised at how straight they were. But then in the environments that I grew up in, like I grew up on a council house on a really busy road. In Essex, in Braintree and out the back was a football stadium and there was the car park to the sports club and the football stadium behind our garden. And that's where we played. We played in our back garden and we played in the car park and my bedroom was lit up by the football lights of an evening and I had go to sleep to the sound of football fans cheering and shouting and, um. And amongst that row of houses, which was where we knew, you know, we knew our neighbors. My fam, my parents, my mom and dad, who were both 21 when they had me seemed weird because they took us to stately homes at the weekend and they helped us make creative things like we would always do because my mom was really interested in teaching, what's it called? The science of teaching, you know, something ology. Can't think of what the word is, but that's her bag. And so she was always using creative play to teach me and my brother, and my dad was a want to be artist. He's always been creative. He's always doing different things. He does pottery, he does painting. Um, he's good, really good at drawing and yeah, and graphic design. Like he would just get into a thing and would do it for a while and then gets into another thing and. But he never made a career out of it. I mean, he was sort of doing graphic design a bit in some of his jobs, but yeah, he is never really made a career out of it. But, um, but he's always been extremely creative and that was weird, our creativity and, educational atmosphere or, uh, activities, I suppose the word. And reading like we read constantly. Like that was all weird for the world that we were in. And then when we moved to the Wimpy Housing estate and, yeah, my mom, my parents then split up and it was just me and my mom and my brother, and my mom let us smoke in the garage. And so we had the garage where all the kids were allowed to come and smoke, which was also extremely cool and a bit weird, and so didn't seem very straight like a, yeah. People in Essex wouldn't think of our family as being straight. They'd think of us as being actually kind of one of the most kooky families, but compared to. I dunno, outside of that environment, we seem quite straight.'cause we seem like quite normal suburban people rather than like kooky middle class people. I dunno. But anyway, we were weird in our, in our natural setting. Don't remember why I was talking about that now. Why was I talking about that? I don't remember. Anyway. Yes, the menopause, I think I was talking about the menopause at some point. But yes, Oh, Zenia, that was why I was talking about it. Yes. So because we had the garage, my mom and my family were, were very good hosts. You know, we, we looked after people and it was a safe space and people could be there and hang out. Yeah, it was the place where the teenagers talked to. They all talked to my mom and that kind of thing. And then obviously all of the. Pilgrimage is, but also prior to that, I lived on the road for seven years with the Nomadic Academy of Fools, and we toured Europe and the UK solidly for seven years and we were put up and looked after then. So I have had and received so much zenia in my life. What is Zenia? I don't think I told you. Senia is the name for Zeus's. The, a way of worshiping Zeus was to be a good host, and it was called Zenia. And Zenia was his most precious thing. So if you refuse Zenia, then you would bring the wrath of Zeus down upon you. But, um, you really pleased Zeus by being a good host. And that's what I'm. Happy that I'm able to do here now because we have the space. You know, I've not had a house where we've had a guest room before, and so to be able to be like, yeah, come and stay. Like, and we can make it comfortable for you and you'll have a nice, nice room to be able to hang out in. And we'll, you know, feed you and look after you. And that feels really precious to me. Something that I'm very pleased that, this is the house that we're gonna spend the rest of our lives in. That it's somewhere that that's possible for me to do that. And that's really important to me because I feel like I owe. A great deal of zenia to the balance of the universe. So I will enjoy being a host to people and it's something that I want to do well. Um, so yeah, that's something that feels. Important at the moment. And, uh, God blame me, my brain. I do apologize. Uh, it also doesn't help that I actually recorded this whole podcast yesterday and then for some reason the sound didn't record. So there's just a, it was just a 45 minute video of me maneuvering around chatting, but with no sound. And so I can't remember now what I said then and what I'm saying now, and it's. Made it even more confusing than it was before. I wasn't gonna tell you that I'd recorded it already'cause I thought, oh, I don't need to tell them that. But I've just made that such a kerfuffle. I feel like I need to explain why. That's just confusing because I was like, I talked about Zenia last night and then I just realized that I hadn't talked about it now and then I forgot what I was talking about. The joys of the menopausal brain. I think it's time to pull a room. If you enjoy this podcast, then please consider supporting me on Patreon, which patreon.com/jolie rose. I got an exciting notification through from the host that I put my podcast up through and told me that I had 5,000 downloads, which means I've had 5,000 people download my podcasts, and that feels amazing and I'm really chuffed to have reached that many people. So thank you and thank you for being here. And I just, you know, if each of those 5,000 people were able to, support me with 50 PA month, then that would be more than enough for me to live on and I wouldn't have to be a barmaid anymore. And as much as I enjoy being a barmaid,'cause it does get me out of the house, I would love to be able to just focus on my work. And it's something that I would actually really appreciate being able to do. Like I say, I mean I, part of me wants to put on two, there's two festivals that I have said I'm gonna put on next year, which after Bellin's finished, I'll need to start. Making happen. But uh, part of me doesn't want to as well. I don't know. I just need to see how I feel after Bell team. It just might be that I need to let that go and not do it. It might be that I need to just focus on. Writing and podcasting and ceremonies, and that's what I do. And if I was receiving support via Patreon from enough people for that to just be what I did, that would be heaven. It, it really would. And I would be able to put all my time and energy into improving what I do and you know, making things look beautiful and just. Trying to give as best a sort of service as I can to the people that follow me and support me and I, and hopefully get something out of this. You know, I'm. I don't I just am sharing what wisdom there is in me. We all have wisdom, we all have medicine to share, and I'm just sharing what I've learned along the way. And I do think I have a slightly unique perspective on life because I have lived quite a strange life and I've met a lot of amazing people. And so that's why I really love sharing those people with you and delving into their medicine and their insights. And I. Channel, wherever I can whatever's coming through the elements or the archetype of the moon energy that's coming through, whatever it is that is happening, I'll try and create space for it to come through so that I can share that with you. And I just hope that it's useful and if it is and you're getting something out of it and it does. Help in some way. Then if you are able to support me to keep doing it and to do it better and to do it with more ease without the pressure of all the other things that I try and do, then just, yeah, 50 PA pound, whatever you're able to do a month makes a difference. And if everyone did it, then that would be more than enough for me to get by on. Just putting that out there if you're able to, that would might be amazing. And yeah, coming up will be the Witch Fool. You course will be. I'll start, be advertising that after Beltane is finished. That'll be towards the end of May, that it will begin. And that is supporting people to find their archetypes, which is something that you hear about now. It's in the collective consciousness now, but when I started teaching this seven. Or seven years ago at least, I think it was. But yeah maybe seven. No one was talking about it. No one knew anything about this kind of thing. And what I would say is I've still never seen anyone talking about archetypes and doing. Teaching archetypal work in the way that I am apart from Jonathan Kay, who is my teacher. But even so I've, I've taken what he taught me and I've delved into that particular element deeper. So I still, he's the most like it out of anyone else, but still, no, I, what I do is unique and. I found it incredibly useful. It's given me permission, it's given me a guideline. It's given me a list of tools and atmospheres and just think things that belong to me. Like what? What is it that's mine? Who do I represent on earth? Who I, what role am I playing here? And therefore, what permission do I have to be? X, Y, or Z, you know that I'm here being that thing. So therefore, what tools come with it? What atmospheres and textures and costumes and all the rest of it. What goes with this thing that all belongs to me. And to see it and own it and stand in it in your power is just a wonderful thing really, it is the most profound work that I do and I love it. I've got some other work that I'm gonna stop doing as well. Circle plays is something I'm gonna be bringing to the table, but I'm not quite there yet and I need to put that on the back burner until I'm a bit more, um, out of the Beltane woods. But, um, yeah, this is deep, deep work and I offer it with love and compassion and excitement. It's something that will be. You will get so much from it. And I've seen people go through huge changes from doing this work. Uh, yeah, it's my offering that will be coming up, uh, next month. So putting that out there. If you are interested then get in touch with me Nonsense at the chaos@gmail.com and I can send you some more information If anyone wants to come to Beltane, then it's Saturday the 2nd of May, so it's in a week and a half's time. There are just 18 tickets left, I think. So if you do wanna come, then you need to grab those quick. But yeah, it's gonna be amazing. The weather's saying it's gonna be scorching, gotta burn a wicker man. Loads of amazing bands, loads of incredible healing workshops and offerings. So, yeah, come along if you're able to. Now on with the show. Okay. How. Apt, so this is, which is thero of the homestead. So it's kind of everything I've just been talking about. It's an enclosed space, a diamond with the lines carrying on, so it kind of makes like a courtyard outside. So it's like a fish, it's like the, um, the sign of the Christian fish, but it's seen upright. So it's like a diamond with two legs and it, it's, yeah, it's like the, the, um. Homestead with a courtyard. So it's it's ancestry, it's, it's, yeah, your home, your family. And that is interesting that, that's come up because we've just had like a million planets in. Aries and I was looking in my chart. I'm gonna have a look now and see what it says. Yeah, it's the fourth thousand. So I was looking at my birth chart. If you, um, wanna get a free birth chart, there's, um, Astro Cafe, I think it's called as a website. You can put your birth date and times in and it will tell you give you your birth chart reading. And it's worth looking at what you have in Aries and what House Aries is in because that's what's coming up for you at the moment with regards to all these planets being in Aries. You'll be getting challenged in different, in different ways to deal with those themes. And mine was all in the fourth house. And the fourth house is the house of ancestors. So, ancestry, roots, family legacy. So it's parents, your foundations, basically your ancestral karma, et. So, yeah, it's interesting'cause I, I was kind of like, what's, how's that relevant?'cause it doesn't feel like, especially'cause me being here and being in kind of immigrant mode. I feel very far away from my family and unconnected to my roots. But then having someone like Ellen here and then I also this week interviewed Saffron, who is my, my. Oldest best mate, like my best mate who I've known since I was 15. She is someone I met through Kentwell, uh, the tutor reenactment, and she's been with me on my whole life's journey and. The fact that we've, that the last week has had saffron in it and Ellen in it, and how much that's nourished me. And then the fact that we've moved house and means are like finding our way through our relationship in a new space. And yeah, it's just, there's a lot going on to do with the home. But yeah, it's interesting to think about what's sort of ancestry wise. I mean, some of this stuff is like distant, you know, you don't know. You don't, you know, it's below the surface if you get what I mean. It's not necessarily literal, like my ancestors are mainly from a pea bog in island. So my, my granddad's family grew up in mayo but in a place opposite on the mainland opposite il. So there's a little island called ail off of island and. The land is high up and then it drops like a cliff and then it becomes a pea bog. And then there's the sea, and then there's, which is also raised up like a mountain. And so this pea bog was really interestingly beautiful in that it was surrounded by all these top towering cliffs all around It, you know, was like a mountain. And the cliffs to the side were like a mountain, but then just this flat, sort of almost sea level. Pete bed was where they built a cottage, obvious place to set up home and that's where they lived. And there was 15 brothers and sisters, but there's no record or, you know, there's no way of knowing anything about those people. Like if they were creative or. You know what they were like, you know, I dunno if they were musicians. I don't know. I dunno anything about them. I mean, my granddad was an amazing storyteller. Every time he told a story it was bigger and brasher and weirder and sillier than the time he heard it before. And he was always totally over exaggerating everything and. Uh, which I've inherited in droves. And, uh, yeah, he was just a lot of fun. He was a lot of fun. And then my nan, his wife, my mom's mom she was second generation Irish, so her parents were from Kinsale in the south of Ireland. They were a lot more like trying to be respectable. Irish people. Uh, they owned shops. They owned some bi bicycle shops, a couple of bicycle shops in Braintree. And so my family were, you know, very established Braintree, Essex people. They'd been there for, a long time. So some of them were Irish, but they'd married local people that had been there for hundreds of years. And so my family are also Isni and Trevor Vanti in terms of, um, tribes. So that's, they're my people, um, that part of the uk. And, um, but they were all, they're all working class people, you know, they're peasants, so there isn't any records of them anything about them. I know that there was two, two family incidences where the. A girl got pregnant young and so she secretly gave birth and her mum brought up the baby pretending that it was hers. So the mum was her, was the sister of the, the, the baby was brought up thinking the mum was a sibling, but actually it was her, was the mum. And we don't know if either of them knew. So it was, it was, there was a generation in between them. But it happened twice in the family line. And we dunno if they knew about each other, which they might, they really might not have done. So that's interesting. That's something that happened twice in our family lineage. People pretending that their child was their sibling. And then on my dad's side, he's. It is much more conservative. My grandpa, again, was Irish, but he and liver puddling, they were up in, they've been, I think they've been there a generation or two. And he was a Tory counselor and. Pretended to be very Middle England posh. They like bought antiques and lived in a thatched cottage and was very keeping up appearances. And, uh, yeah, that was, he married my grandma who was adopted who'd had a really horrible childhood. So there's a bit of a trigger warning here. But she'd, yeah, she'd been abused by her. Stepfather had abused her throughout her childhood and. We didn't know about this until my grandfather died, and then she just suddenly came out and told us, and it made everything make sense in terms of. The, to like the toxicity or the damage that was in that family line. Uh, because yeah, they had four sons, my dad and three brothers, and all of the, they'd all kind of off, gone off the rails in some kind of way and. Many of them had ended up being problematic in their behavior. Not awful. People, like, definitely not, there were much worse people in the world, but they, in their own ways, they'd all messed up a bit. And then that carried on even into the, you know, my cousins had a bit of that going on as well. Although I think we've done a good job of nipping it in the bud. Our generation have been honorable generally, um, with our behavior, but, um. It was weird because when I was doing a circle play, which I mentioned earlier, uh, with Jonathan KI finished doing the circle play and he asked me if my grandmother had abused me, which was really weird'cause I was like, what? Where the hell did you get that from? But he is like, I can see abuse in your. Inner world. And I had been abused as a child, but I, but that wasn't what I'd performed and it wasn't connected to my grandma. And I was kind of like, well that was weird. And then when she suddenly told us about her history, it was like seeing a ghost.'cause it was like, my God, that's weird.'cause Jonathan had seen that in my inner world when I'd performed it in this circle play. So that was. Weird. Um, so yeah the wounds that are passed down from our family are in US and it shows up in. Our creativity and flavor our archetype. So that's what, when you do circle plays, you learn about your archetype. And that's where my training and learning and understanding of archetype came from. So I am, yeah, I'm definitely interested in exploring, doing circle plays as a practice over here which I'd like to teach and hold space for. So if that's something you're interested in, then definitely let me know because I'm really up for doing that. It's very deep work. You basically perform your inner world for. And up to an hour could be longer, could be all day if you wanted to be. We, we hold the space for you until you have completed your quest. So everyone goes on a quest. And to do that, you find out you think, what's your question? So what's, what's your quest eye on? So what's the question that's sort of playing on your mind at the moment? Like, should I have a family? Where's my husband? Who's sitting in my throne of power? Or no. So that one actually,'cause that's the example I always gave.'cause there was someone who, her question was, why am I never in my power? And what you do, first of all, is you ask a question and then you untwist it. With that one in particular, it was like, why am I not in my power? And it, and when we untwisted the question, the question that actually hit a'cause. We do everything from an outer world way. So you need to find the inner world version of it, like the inverse of the question. Un twist it and it will hit this emotional gong. And that's when you know, you found your quest eye on. And this one was, uh, who sat in my throne in a power. And so she went on a quest to go and see who was sat in a throne of power and she found her dad sitting there but realized that her dad was her.'cause it wasn't her real dad, it was her version of her dad in her head. So she played the dad, she played the throne. She played the throne re and she played the whole thing. And that's what you do is you play your inner world and from it you learn something about yourself. And she learned that she just had this idea of her father in her head and, and was giving him this power to throw her off her throne. But actually it wasn't really him. And it was just her version of him in her head. And so she took that thrown back and she threw him off it and yeah, changed the script. And it does have really profound effects and I've, yeah, I, I learned about my archetype through doing these performances and discovered this kind of wound from my family that was in there that I didn't even know about. None of us knew about it, but um, it all kind of made sense when it came to light and, um, and then healing it and not passing it on and not carrying it on. Doing. Yeah. Doing the work that needs to be done to heal that situation. Which is great. You know, that's what we're here for. It's like passing on the baton to the next life and the next generation to, that's better, you know, leaving things in a better situation than, than how you found them. That's what it feels like we're doing. So, yeah, it's interesting and it's interesting this ancestral thing because. It sort of feels like a Taurus season is the opposite Scorpio season. So we actually are coming up to the Scorpio full Moon, and it's, it's like Taurus is all about new life and fertility and this sexy energy of life coming into being. And then Scorpio is the like, dominatrix, sexy death, um, s and m version. And, but they actually, you know, are two halves of the same thing. It's a spectrum and so. You have the home and you have the family, and we've got this place that we are living in now and it's lovely. And yet I can feel the ghosts of the monks and I've got the, the feeling of like, we're gonna be here for the rest of our lives. So what does that mean? What are we there for? Creating? It's more of a commitment than I've ever made to a house before. And yeah, just there's a lot that's in that that's different. And what am I. So that's it. I'm here now. I live here for the rest of my life. And that, what does that mean in terms of my connections to my homeland and my family and friends and yeah, many things come into play with that, that are different to, I just came here, you know, came here to see what happens and ended up marrying someone and moving here. But we were renting. And when you're renting it's, it just feels much more well obviously not forever. So to suddenly be sort of. Forever in a place is a different energy. And obviously you never know what's gonna happen. Never know what's gonna happen. We might not be here forever. We've got no idea how life will play out. But as it stands, that's the situation and I've never had that before. So yeah, it brings up a lot of new things. So now for a chaos crusade. So my carers crusade for you this week is to create an altar space. And I'm asking you to do this'cause it's something I need to do and I'm going to figure out how to make my altar space work with me. Sat on the floor. I've kind of set a place up and I've got a space there. But I want to be able to sit on the floor and hold ceremony on the floor in this lovely room. So I invite you to create an altar. Now altars are you, you have a choice to think about. Do you want it to be a private, enterprise or a public one. So how's your practice going to be? If you want it to be private get a box. Like have a beautiful box that you make a like lovely little altar space in that you can put away and hide. If you are up for it being public, then. Find a table, find a surface where you can create something. And just as a rule of thumb, the left hand side is normally the feminine, the goddess. And this would be the elements of earth and water and goblets and what's the, what do you, uh, so like cups and goblets and bowls for water, generally. Just trying to think what you earth. I mean, I'd have a bowl of salt or flowers or or actual earth or crystals and stones. Anything that fills earthy to you, eggs. And then for the fire, for the masculine, you'd have the fire in the air. And that's represented with the wands and swords. Left. If you, the way I always remember it is that, you know, you got, you used to get the cane if you were left-handed in convent schools. My mom used to always get the cane for being left-handed. So the left hand is where the devil sits, which is the feminine, and the right-handed is the masculine. So, yeah, it's easy to remember. Left. Left side is the feminine right is the masculine. Also, I, um, read the book once called The Alphabet Versus the Goddess, and it was about how you use the right hand for a spear and tunnel vision to follow pray. And then left hand is like holding baby whilst also hunter gathering, picking and things. So you'd use both arms and you would use peripheral vision and peripheral thinking. And so. The feminine tends to be holistic and peripheral, and the masculine tends to be focused and right-handed. And when we've learnt reading and writing in any culture, we've gone through a state of madness where we've become more patriarchal. So it's not necessarily like some horrible, uh. Conspiracy theory. We all sort of collectively go through a state of madness where we become more masculine and negative about the feminine as we become more literate and, and, uh. Writing led.'cause we use tunnel vision and we use our right hand and we follow along the line. Whereas if you are like Egyptians with a high hy left, you're looking at the whole wall and the images and it's more picture based and they were more matriarchal. So that was just a theory that I read once in a book, but I thought it was interesting. So that's how I think about the left and right side of things. Um, but with everything to do with this, it's about you being creative. So it's all about acts of creativity. Create whatever you want on your altar. You can put things wherever you like. It's your altar. Do whatever you want. You know, a cathedral and a Bible are amazing things when they're first created. What an amazing act of creation to build a epic cathedral, but when you're still thousands of years later in the same place. Fighting and killing people over those creations, that's when you've gone wrong. So creating an altar where you change it every two weeks to match the moon and you know, the dark moon and the full moon and whatever sign they're in, and whatever deity speak to you regarding that sign or wherever you are at in your journey or the wheel of the year, you know, with Beltane and um, the solstice or whatever it is. For your al to reflect it and for you to give it a clean and regularly take everything down and put something new on there. But yeah, and you can draw deities, you can draw, um. Something to do with the season or, intentions for the year. Make like a mood board. Create some kind of backdrop, which is called an icono stasis, that it can be a collage of things that you put at the back of your altar, or it could be a picture of a day that you wanna set and draw. But that is an act of creativity and that is an act of magic. So creating an altar and putting images that you've drawn and created on it is the beginnings of you creating magic. Why not? Let's do it. Let's create magic. So that's your chaos. Create crusade for this week and um, yeah, I can't wait to share my interview with Saffron next week. I'm very much looking forward to that. So thank you for being here. I hope you're having a lovely time enjoying the sunshine. And, um, if you're coming over for Beltane, can't wait to see you. It's gonna be epic and yeah, what a lovely time of year. This is my favorite time of. And I'm feeling much more back in my zone of being able to cope with it all. So thank you for supporting me and being here on this journey. And I shall speak to you next week. See you the anon.