#67 It Really is a Wonderful Life

This week’s podcast weaves together the quiet magic of legacy, continuity and the unseen threads that connect us. In It’s a Wonderful Life, George Bailey never becomes wealthy or achieves the grand future he imagined. Instead, he receives something far greater: perspective. He’s granted the rare gift of witnessing the impact of his existence—the threads tying him to every life he’s touched and the ripples he’s left behind.

This week’s episode turns that lens towards the real world as I say goodbye to a friend who has passed away and reflect on a life well lived. A lifetime is only one link in a long chain of past and future lives, an opportunity to shape the world with whatever gifts we carry before handing the baton over to the next one. We are each part of the great symphony of life, and every note—no matter how humble—is vital to its glorious crescendo.

The music and artwork is by @moxmoxmoxiemox

Nonsense in the Chaos is available on all podcast platforms or you can listen to it here… https://nonsenseinthechaos.buzzsprout.com

I'd love to know what you think! If you want to get in touch with me about anything on the podcast then email nonsenseinthechaos@gmail.com or you can follow me on Instagram and Bluesky @kriyaarts or at the Nonsense in the Chaos Page on Facebook.

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Thank you for all your support -x-

Transcript

0:29

The. Welcome to The Nonsense in the Chaos. I'm your host, Jolie Rose Tonight is dedicated to my sort of uncle in-law Ben Dos, who sadly passed away. We just found out today. He was a character. I say uncle in-law because he was my aunt in-law's brother, but he would regularly point out that he wasn't related to my mother-in-law. So he's my aunt in-law's brother, and my aunt in-law is the half sister of my mother-in-law. And he was so, he was not related to my mother-in-law, but, and he was quite a scary character. He was not that much older than me. He was about the same age as me, but he was very. Intimidating. But he then was ill for a very, a long time, uh, with diabetes and all sorts of things going wrong with his body and chilled out quite a lot. And actually the last few times I saw him, he was much more humble and just in, yeah, in a much better place I think than he had been in his youth and was quite pleasant to my mother-in-law the last few times he saw him and he did once say to me well we are family now. So he'd accepted us as all being kind of part of the family mix. And it was interesting because that happened at work. I was working at the Mermaid today and then I came home and was just looking on Instagram and a video came up about, James Stewart one of my favorite actors in the world, and also one of my favorite people. And the director of those films it's wonderful. Life and Harvey two of my favorite films. They're, they're amazing If you've never seen it's Wonderful Life. I mean, you probably have,'cause it's one of the top Christmas films, but if you haven't seen that, watch it. But also if you've never seen Harvey, Harvey is definitely up there with one of my favorite films of all time. It is exceptional. And the director, Henry Costa. So it was a bit like with Tim Burton, where he uses the same cast. Henry Costa used James Stewart in his films and yeah, they all have this theme of what life's really about. Harvey is just off the charts like it is so good. He's got an imaginary six foot rabbit and he goes everywhere with this rabbit and people are, oh my God, what a weirdo kind of vibe. And he just, he doesn't care. He, he absolutely doesn't care. And the film is kind of making us look at what does it matter? He is not hurting anyone. He's just going about his life. And wouldn't the world be a better place if there were giant six foot invisible rabbits? Why not? And yeah, it's, it's so brilliantly done. And James Stewart, there's some speeches in it that are the best monologues you could ever do. If you are into theater and you want to look for a monologue to do for a audition piece, it's absolutely the best audition piece, monologue one could ever learn. It's so good and it's wonderful. Life is. It is so beautiful because it's about the ripples that we leave behind. And that's what my Play Hip was about, which was about Anne Clark, who's the woman whose house I squatted and found all her belongings. Um, which I did a podcast where I actually, um,'cause I turned it into a play. And so one of my previous podcast is the play of it and then also the impact I had on her daughter. So there's another podcast. The following one is me interviewing her daughter and her talking about how I've affected her life through making her look at her mother differently and changed perspectives on her. And that's what's coming up for me a lot today actually, because thinking about the ripples that Ben's left behind and that I think in its wonderful life, he realizes, yeah, he realizes his value of his life. And I think Ben did with his towards the end.'cause he, he kind of, you know, when he got. You know, the diabetes kicked in. He decided to not look after himself and to just drink and, fuck it. And, um, which is, you know, fine. It's just, but it, he ended up being extremely unwell and in a lot of pain and I think probably regretted that decision, towards the end. His, not his sister. My mother-in-law also had di diabetes and she's looked after herself and she's still alive and well and fit and healthy and he, that was kind of what he acknowledged in the last time they saw each other was like, I dunno how, how you've managed with this, but basically you've done really well. And that was the closest that she sort of had from him of an apology of, acknowledging that he'd been a bit rubbish to her. But it feels like, and it felt like to all of us, that by the end, he was very, I think he'd learn, you know, he'd learn the lesson. He was here to learn. He was chilled compared to how he had been. He was humble and just, yeah, kind of seen seeing where he'd made mistakes. But that's not a bad thing, you know, it's not a bad thing. I think we, we should all aim for that to realize what our mistakes are.'cause if you believe in the next life and you believe in reincarnation, he's moving into the next reincarnation without those mistakes. He's, he's done that in this life. And that's kind of what each life is for us to figure out what our continuing mistakes are. So one would. Believe or hope in that situation that he goes into the next life without having that lesson to learn so heavily. He's made it easier for the next life. And that's, I love that. And that's why I like reincarnation as a concept is that I felt so much pressure on myself before sort of letting reincarnation be something that I believe in to try and get everything done in this life to be, to do everything, to live all the lives, to do all the things. And I just, I just thought to myself in the end, you know what? You can't do everything. You really can't. And if you just do what you're doing in this life and let that be, and then you just hand the bat on to the next one and you've done what you can, you know you've done what you can and the next life gets to deal with it. And that works for me. And I, I believe in it because I have, I think I've probably talked about this before in previous podcasts, but I came into this life. Absolutely clear as day a man. And then realized I was a woman, uh, when I was about six, seven and was shocked and upset and what do you mean I'm a fucking girl? And then quite annoyed and, and from that moment onwards knew that I'd been here before and I'd been a man. And there's been elements of, one could think say that it's because the social norms of what a woman's meant to be don't fit with who I was. You know, I was a tomboy and I was a strong woman and a warrior, and there was, there was like, it didn't fit the, I guess at that age, the age of about seven, eight is when you start to realize what the gender roles are. That are made up, you know, they're made up. So like when people say they identify as female or identify as male, it's because they don't, I, if it's the opposite of what their sex was that they were born with, that's because they do not identify with the gender role that they have been assigned. And I totally had that. I am trans, I'm 100%, I'm not now, I was 100% trans in that I did not at all accept the gender roles that I had been given. I was furious and I was a man. And it's interesting because it does, you know, I'm 100% an ally of trans and, and pro trans. But I also do think there is something in that I would've. I would've transitioned, I would've been a trans teenager and I would've transitioned if that, if what's available now had been available to me when I was younger because I would've done just, I definitely would've done, I only became a woman in my thirties, uh, mid thirties. And it was through going through IVF and going through that whole fertility journey and just being so gobsmacked and in awe of the female body and what it can do and what, just what it is. And then started to appreciate that I was playing the game of life on a harder setting by being female and realized that as a, I don't know, as a being that's been here many times before.'cause I, I can feel into some other past lives, but I'll get onto that in a second. I've probably talked about these in a previous podcast, but, um. Yeah, I could just feel, I could feel that I was playing the game of life in a harder setting. So playing it as a woman is harder, and then playing it as a black woman would be harder. And then playing it as a gay black woman would be even harder. And then playing it as a disabled, gay black woman would be even harder. It's like there's different layers and levels to this game that make it harder, and it's all to play for, you know? And I, so I know I, yeah, I, I became a woman and I started to appreciate that avatar and the experience of being the avatar. And I would've missed out on that if I'd transitioned. But I would've then played the game as a trans person, and that would've had its own harder, harder level settings to it. Probably harder to be fair than just being a, a white not cis, I'm bi, but. I've got a male husband, so I mean, we are quite clearly a queer couple, but we are tall intents and purposes, cis white couples. So it in, you know, that is definitely easier than being trans. But I just, I think all of it's such an interesting addition of perspective to what is the default setting, which is the white male. So there's a brilliant book by Grayson Perry called The Default Man, I think it's called, and it's about how the white male in a suit is actually also a minority group, quite a small one. It's not, you know, compared to the Muslim minority group or female minority group, the white male in a suit is quite small group and yet they rule the world. And not only do they rule the world, but. All perspective on what's normal and what's not is from their perspective. So we've all been groomed to see the world through that minority group's perspective. And so, anything that deviates from that is other and. Yeah, that's really interesting. And, um, a lot of men don't like being in, it's difficult for a man in that setting and in that minority group because they might secretly be gay or they might secretly be trans or they might secretly just wanna be a hippie, get stoned, whatever it is. Like there, there are many men within that minority group that are expected to wear the costume and play by the rules and behave in the default way who are very unhappy. I think it's, I, for me, the past life thing just feels like a bit of a relief to. Give myself that permission to not have to live all the lives. And I have. And I've never done any past life regression. I would, there's something, there's a piece of work I would like to do around voice. I would like to do a past life regression to find out what happened to me to do with my voice. I got a hunch. I got ducked in the 16th century. I've nearly drowned six times in this lifetime. I have, I was born with asthma, and asthma is linked to grief. And that's you know, if I was born with that grief, that grief came with me from somewhere else. And I just have such a struggle with my voice in, in singing. I love singing. I'm getting worse. It's really annoying. On the pilgrimage I was singing every day and. But I also didn't feel supported at all with my singing on the pilgrimage. It felt very unsupportive for a variety of reasons. And so I felt really judged, and it made my throat get tighter and tighter. And I, yeah, it was a, it was quite a negative. It had a very negative impact on my voice and my singing. It, my voice and my singing voice are so delicate and sensitive and need love and need to be supported and well held and nurtured, and be treated kindly. And that was not the experience I was having. So my voice was more strained than normal, and it feels bad now as well. So I, I, and it is interesting'cause my intention for this year was the Mythos of Sound. And, and I did Nessi Gomez's amazing. Vocal odyssey course, which was wonderful. And that was at the start of this year. And that was really empowering. And I've planted a little flower and, you know, I did, I've done loads of spells and magic around it. So I'm sad that it's kind of, it feels like a little sapling seed that has been trampled on, which I'm sad about. But I also don't feel like it's the end of the journey. But I feel like there's some kind of past life work to do with reincarnation and to do with ducking that I would like to explore. So that's something I would like to do. But yeah, got some past life connection to culture. The dreaming and fooling. A very similar, well have, I mean, I, I don't really know Aborigine culture'cause it's, it was destroyed and again, trampled on, be without and, and it's private and all the rest of it. And I don't claim any, you know, from a, I am from the culture and the, the na one of the nations that absolutely destroyed and colonized the Aboriginal people. So I'm not claiming anything from, in that way in this lifetime. I'm here as someone who was part of that story in that way, but I, I, yeah, there's something about it that I feel very drawn to and linked to. And when I was in Australia and I got my hands in the dirt and in the soil helping with a, a gardening project.'cause we went over there with a theater project in 2020. Uh, it's just before I came here. So what got me fit and feeling like I was strong enough and healthy enough to go do the pilgrimage on my own in 2020. And it's because I'd gone to Australia with a theater show to Adelaide and I'd been there before when I was 18 because as soon as I left home from Essex, I just needed to go to Australia. I was. In a way of it feeling like that was the place I wanted to be. And then I got there and I hated it. I hated it. I just found it so vacuous and awful. I had no desire to go back there at all. And then when it was coming up to us going like, I, it was good because I kept saying no to the point where it ended up being so much money and I never would've pushed for such a good deal if I. I had wanted to go there, I would've said yes right from the start. But because I didn't want to go, I, I kept saying no. And they just kept throwing more and more money at it. So in the end it was like, okay, I've kind of gotta go. And we went and we were with a woman of color in our theater company and oh my God, it was awful. It was awful. They were so racist and it was just and I'm also conscious about not being racist against Australians. Not all Australians are the same, but we did experience a, a very high amount of racism while we were there. And I, again, didn't enjoy the culture. It felt very vacuous, but it was very good about being healthy. We did loads of exercise'cause that's kind of all there is to do. And so, we did lots of exercise and got really fit and as we were heading over there, flying over there. It was when the forest fires were happening. And I just like, we can't, I can't justify us flying to Australia to do this theater show, which isn't, you know, it is not like it's the most important thing in the world for us to be doing. And the whole reason why the World's on Fire is we, because we're doing things like flying. So if we're gonna go there, we need to do something to help and to kind of offset what we're doing. Uh, it was agreed as the company that we would go and help in a forest fire charity situation, um, while we were there. So I found a group and they were kind of like ground force and they went into places where the fire had happened and just reugg the gardens and replanted the gardens for these houses. So we went and did that and it was so mad turning up in this landscape where as far as you could see, everything was black. There was the outlines of barn, but it was just like a skeleton of a barn and the skeletons of trees, but everything was black and. This house had been destroyed. It was just a shell. Um, they were rebuilding it, like things were gonna get rebuilt, but there was this garden and we just went in and we replanted the garden. The poor woman, her mother had died fighting the fire with a hose pipe, her elderly mother. And so she was obviously in mourning. Um, but she really appreciated us, us coming and helping tend to this garden. And then the people we met when we did it were so beautiful, like really lovely Australians. They became our Australian family. They were wonderful and this amazing man who'd been oh, he was just very funny and he was making us laugh and really jovial. And he loved Kit my friend, who we were over there with, it was his theater show and he's trans, he was born female and transitioned to male. And the play was about his journey. And this guy, this, this lovely old man. Totally fell in love with Kit and said how much Kit reminded him of his son who had died in his thirties of a heart attack out of nowhere. So that was really sad. His house, this guy's house had just burnt down as well, so he'd lost everything. And it turned out that he was a baby in a concentration camp. So he'd been a baby in a concentration camp in the second World War and then lost his son and then had just lost his house in Australia. And it was a, a shocking story. And yet he was the most jovial, happy, gorgeous being who very James Stewart. Very James Stewart. Very Harvey very, it's a wonderful life vibe where he was just like, yeah. But I'm gonna still be lovely. I'm still gonna be fun and lovely. And it was such a lesson of this is how you could be. But when I was there and I got my hands in the soil I realized how much I loved the actual land of Australia, and the land of Australia was different to the culture that had been put over the top of it. And that spirit and that magic and that power of the land was not part of everyday Australian culture. They couldn't let it in because if they did, they'd have to admit that they just destroyed the last there's no archeological evidence of there ever being a war. Between Aborigines, there's been, they were skirmish and getting annoyed with each other kind of thing, but not, not war, not like, not even like we have medieval war, you know? I mean, obviously they didn't have tanks and things, but even the equivalent of medieval war or earlier, like neolithic war, there wasn't. Any arche, there isn't any archeological evidence of that. So that's 60,000 years of peace. Even with the landscape, like we are always saying how Australia's so dangerous for all the animals. It's not got lions. It's not like, it's not like Africa. Scary. It's like little spiders and things that when you know the land and you are part of the web of life and you actually are one with the animals and you know, you know them and respect them, it's actually extremely harmless. You don't really have particularly dangerous beasts. It's just sort of, uh, poisonous bity things. But if you respect the animals and you know them, but they're a lot less scary and they also had antidotes and, you know, they, they knew how to exist in that environment. Actually, it's very gentle. You are not gonna get eaten by something, you know, you might just, you know, get accidentally bitten by something that you've pissed off, but you're not gonna get chased down and eaten. You're not, you're not prey to anything and. Yeah, I just, I, I, yeah. And it's devoid that, that can't be allowed in because the only aborigines you see are homeless and the only homeless people you see are Aborigines. And it's just, it's, it's horrendous. And the things that we've done to those people, and I, it was one, I mean, it literally does break my heart. And being in Australia and in that kind of settler culture gives me anxiety. So it feels like there's something deeply in there in my being somehow. And then obviously I've got the strong tutor link with being a tutor and living as a tutor for 36 years. Uh, a reenactment in Suffolk and Kewell Hall, and this drowning vibe going on the 16th century drowning vibe. And then. More recently, I feel like I was a male in sort of Lord Byron esque times. I don't think I was Lord Byron, but I think during that time I think I was some sort of dandy who thought that they'd nailed it. So I, I came into this life, I think quite a cocky male who thought that he'd figured it all out and you know, he'd been the dandy, he'd been the bachelor. He'd done everything the way he wanted to do and thought it was quite smug and thought that he'd smashed it and then came back as me got in. And then I also think there's something with runes and that era as well kind of Saxon Saxon times. It's another era that I have links an interest in that feels like it speaks to me. But also I'd learn to read readings when I was eight and have been able to read readings my whole life. So there's, part of me feels like I've got a strong ruic connection from my past as well. It's interesting. But what I love is that we are here in this life for this whatever period of time and that we do leave so many ripples. And that's one of those things that you are trusting, you know, as an artist, it's part of the practice of being an artist is that you write your books and then you let'em go and you dunno what effect they're gonna have in the world. In fact, I was sat at the pub the other day with one of my best friends who's a lot younger than me and I love her to pieces. She's fabulous. Um, but she, she doesn't remember quite often where she got things from, especially'cause I've known her, I've known her now since she was 13 and I was 29 when I met her. So she'll often quote stuff to me that she got from me, but she doesn't remember she got that from me. And it doesn't matter, you know, it's one of the privileges of being old is that younger people quote you back to yourself and it's like, oh, that's quite nice. But it was quite funny'cause she literally was quoting my book the other day, we're having a conversation with someone else and she was saying how me and her had come up with this theory and I was like it's actually in my book that you read that I wrote when you were 12. But it is that, but um, yeah it's nice to be acknowledging the ripples that you have where you're affecting people. And, and I am thinking and reflecting on how much Ben has, affected me. So even if you're not being an artist, this happens, and it, it ripples out. And when we do the pilgrimages, we are meeting people and we're talking to people and, or people just drive past us in their cars and see us and it might completely change their life. That person might be suddenly realizing that the world isn't just the way they see it and that reality's not fixed. And they might go home and think, right, okay, I'm gonna move to somewhere, or I'm gonna quit this job, or I'm gonna go become an artist, or I'm going to buy a van and live in a van and live on the road. You don't dunno what it is, or I'm gonna get out this violent relationship or whatever. You just don't know what you are doing. And then, I love that that ends up becoming, that we're all one in that we are just one great big symphony, rippling and connecting with each other. I said the roomy poem. Oh, it was actually on my, um. Astrology reading the Rumi poem. I'm gonna read it to you. This poem is one of my favorite poems ever. And this, I think this is for them and for all of us to remember that our lives are precious and meaningful. God picks up the reed flute world and blows. Each note is a need coming through one of us, a passion, a longing pain. Remember the lips where the wind breath originated, and let your note be clear. Don't try to end it. Be your note. I will show you how it's enough go up on the roof at night in this city of the Soul. Let everyone climb on their roofs and sing their notes. Sing loud. Oh, I love that poem. So I'm gonna pull Arun. If you enjoy this podcast, then please consider supporting me on Patreon, which is patreon.com/jay Rose. It's coming up to the Capricorn Dark Moon and also the winter solstice. On Sark, we are gonna have a winter solstice solstice celebration where everyone's, uh, invited. If you can be bothered to come all the way to sarc, then you're also invited. It's a celebration of community. Summer solstice is the celebration of nature at its height. And then winter solstice is the celebration of community at its height because it's when people had to come together to support each other, if the harvest had gone badly or whatever, like your neighbors crops had failed for whatever reason, and you are sharing your food with them and you are looking after them. So all of the coming together and eating and all of that, and getting fat and going to hibernation for the winter months, it's what we're meant to be doing at this time of year. So yeah, I just, I, I want, I always want anything to do with the winter solstice to be as inclusive as possible and to welcome people in. And then it's the Capricorn Dar Moon the night before and the 20th, and that's really exciting because Capricorn is all about building and creating. For the year ahead, you know, so Capricorn's the last sign of the the last sign of the year, not of the Zodiac, but of the year. And then we go into the new year and it's the sign I'm a Capricorn. It's the sign of building and creating and laying foundations for what you wanna create. So the dart moon, which all about setting intentions is perfect for that. And we are gonna do the chaos crusade that John Harris asked, suggested that we do last week of burning money. We, um, we, as in the women who have women's circles here with me on soc, we all have got our notes. So mine's 10 pounds. I'm doing a 10 pound note. Uh, I didn't spend it on meat draw on Friday. So instead of buying raffle tickets for the, the meat raffle on Friday, which I normally do. I didn't. And so instead I've kept that 10 pounds in my pocket and I keep getting it out and looking at it and just like reading the things that are written on it and writing the serial number down, which I'll share with Jonathan Harris to put in the book of Burn. And I've said to everyone else who comes to the women's circles to do that. And on the 20th we're gonna do a burn here in sar. And then it occurred to me how it would be really good to get the business world in the Channel Islands to get into doing the Church of Burn. And I said to Jonathan, it'd be great if he could maybe come over and do something here because if the world was one being and thinking of things like that, which I like to do in, is kind of what I'm talking about here, is that tax haven places like the Channel Islands are almost like vital organs of the being of the Earth. And if we can change the view of money here and so many people,'cause there isn't many job opportunities here. Other than working in finance. So there's the hospitality industry where you don't really get paid very well. There's entrepreneurial digital nomads, but they're normally from elsewhere. And then there's the finance industry. And if you're not someone who wants to do kind of more menial, lugging or vocational work like being a plumber or a carpenter,'cause there's lots of building work as well. Then if you're gonna be at a desk, then you are probably working in finance. And that means all the people that would never in a million years want to work in finance are. And so there's a lot of depression and a lot of burnout and yeah, a lot of people who are making huge amounts of money and are really unhappy and it's not what they want to be doing. So I think for us to do work over here, there'd be many people who would really benefit from it and would. Really appreciate it. And I'm just really excited about doing something to help and support that. And I'm really excited about burning the money on the 30th. So it feels weird, weird to them be like, so could you gimme some money? It, I don't feel bad about asking for support because I do need it. And, if you're able to offer it, that would be great. Some people can, some people can't. And if you can't, it doesn't matter because I do all this stuff for free and you can access it, access it without paying, and those who can afford to pay do. And so you are all getting a podcast and you are all getting astrology readings, each full and dark moon, and you are all getting moon ceremonies every full and dark moon, and you're all getting articles in the press, every full and dark moon. And yeah, these things are available for all of you for free. And then if you are able to give something, then that means you are paying for those who can't afford it. And that's brilliant and that's a fabulous way of treating money. And that's, it's a different model. So yeah, if you're up for doing it, I would thoroughly appreciate it. And especially as maybe a Christmas gift to yourself or as a gift to someone else at this point in time in the year, it would be great because obviously you've got lots of bills and tax and Christmas and everything, so, anything at this point in time would be great. And it's also a really nice thing to give to yourself. I've, gifted myself a couple of things to do with people I follow and that kind of thing. I'm also offering by donation card readings, and I love doing them. And I've done a few and it's, it's brilliant and this is a wonderful thing to be doing. I love it. And I've done readings for people over Zoom and I've been doing them in person, so, and you can do it for yourself or you can give it as a gift and you just, you choose, you donate what you can and what you want, and then I'll do the reading for you and or as a gift to someone else. That's on offer. You just literally message me. Uh, you can message me on Facebook or Instagram or email is nonsense in the chaos@gmail.com, or you can message me through Pat. And then we also have Creation hibernation, which is gonna be starting on the fifth, Monday, the 5th of December. And that is a writing immersion where we give ourselves that time and space to lose ourselves in the writing process over the dark winter month. So I'll stop doing the podcast after, not next week, the week after. So we've got two more weeks and then I will have a break till March. And during that time I'll be in an immersion writing process with a group of people. And we alternate weeks. So one week we'll have a workshop where there'll be writing prompts, and then the next week we just go online and sit and write. But it just means we hold that space for us to sit and write and. It is brilliant and I love it and it's kind of where I get my books written is over the winter months. And then I'm also holding an Astar immersion weekend at Easter, which is the 20th to the 20 21, 22 20 to the 23rd. So it's um, three nights. It's a long weekend, Monday to Friday to Monday in sar and we'll be doing so many gorgeous, yummy, a star themed witchy practices. We'll be going on nature walks, we'll be going swimming in the sea. You don't have to, but it's fun. And we generally go skinny dipping and it's great. And eating nutritious food. And we've got kooky lifestyle doing alcohol free cocktails that are. They're more like Botanical Delicious. They're beautiful. They're so good. We just do so many lovely things. It's like a spa weekend. It's a spiritual retreat, and it's so nourishing and it's within the beauty of Sark and the cozy delightfulness of the Chilling, which is a wonderful location to be held in. So if you'd like to come to that, then get in touch and check out. It's on Instagram. I've got a post on Instagram, and just get in touch again with me if you wanna know more about that. So all very exciting. And there's, uh, some things coming up in January as well, but I'll talk about them next week. But yeah love for you to get in touch and connect with me somehow over the next winter period. And that's it for now. So, back to the show. I think, oh yeah, I've pulled this screen a few times. It's perha and it's the ruin of pregnancy. It sometimes means to me, or it's like I've,'cause I, the way I describe it's schrody as cat. It's the potentiality of something. So when I think of pregnancy for me, the reason why I ended up reading pregnancy was to do with doing IVF where I kept doing IVF and I didn't know whether I was pregnant or not. And when I pulled this, it sort of, it kind of sort of meant it was pregnant, but it wasn't'cause I didn't end up being pregnant. It was more like the potentiality of it. And so it's, uh, lots dice. It is, there's a gambling game that we play at Kentwell called Meyer, where you have two dye and you shake it in a pot and then you look in the pot and you wanna make two and one a bit like pontoon, but it's, yeah, you wanna make two in one, but it. Yeah, this, I'm not gonna go into the full rules of it, it's quite complicated, but it's sort of like poker. You are, you are often lying, but you dunno what's in the pot until you look in it. So you're taking a gamble and sometimes you can shake the pot and not look in it and just pass it on and just lie and say what it is. And you might get lucky and it might actually be what you said it was. And that's what this cup represents. It's this gambling cup and it, it means potential and possibility and I think of it as like create or be created, which is our saying in fooling where you don't know what is in this cup. You dunno what the dye is gonna say, but it's up to you to create it. It's up to you to create our world. And that was the lesson from the Gemini full Moon that we've just had, which just changed everything for me. I was in a, I was in a really dark place and. Yeah, just I was tired. I've had some physical issues from the pilgrimage. I was quite emotionally, uh, drained from the pilgrimage and we dealt with some pretty dark stuff. Pilgrimage for peace, you know, there was a lot going on in the world with everything and taking that on energetically. And yeah, just, it was a big journey, that one, and to come back and feel quite heavy and low and things were a bit tricky when I got back as well, it took a little while to get kind acclimatized and fully feeling safe and landed and something shifted with the Gemini full moon that was so noticeable. Just suddenly everything started to flow and in a extremely positive way. Some stuff's happened, which I'm can't really tell you about at the moment, but it's extremely exciting. And yeah, so we got some news yesterday that we're very excited about, but it's still just part of a process and the process needs to carry on unfolding. But step one in the process has happened and was successful, so that's very exciting. And yeah, just the lightness, something just lifted and I feel like things are going the right direction and positive things are gonna happen. And what is, what I'm loving is at the Capricorn Dark Moon last year, and I will be doing this as part of the practice for this Capricorn Dark Moon coming up is the act of making a mood board, but I call, it's an icono stasis. So an icono stasis is what you. Have on an altar. So you might have like the Virgin Mary or like a, a bunch of saints and it'll be in this almost like a book that's been opened up. So it'll be like a wooden panel at the back with two smaller wooden panels that open up from it. So they would shut and kinda meet in the middle, but they open up and make this wooden thing that you can put on an altar. So it's like an open book with these pictures on that will be of saints and that's called an icono stasis. And what I do as a spiritual practice, and I do it at the Capricorn Dark Moon because you are creating what you want for the next year. And that's what this is all about. Capricorn is all about what is it you wanna make, what is it you want to tho those foundations that you wanna lay for the following year. To feel into that, to be feeling into that now, and then start collecting images of it and start printing them and collecting them. And then as a dark meme practice, I then make an icono stasis and stick them all on. And then on a bit of cardboard. So it's just a bit of cardboard that has a big back panel, but then has the side panels that fold out that you then fold like tabs on the bottom of so that you can put it standing upright of its own accord. And I put them on my altar and I don't always have it on my altar the whole time. But actually this one, this year because it was a nine year, we've had a nine year this year in terms of numerology, it was very much to do with sound and purification which I, yeah, I forgot. Well, I hadn't, yeah, no, I had forgotten that I was planning to do a dry year and not drink all year, and I managed till May. I didn't drink till May. And I've been drinking. Yeah, I mean, I drank, what I used to do until this year was I was a lot more, like I'd give up and then I'd drink and I'd give up, and then I'd drink. Whereas this year, actually I didn't drink for five months. And then over the rest of the year, I've been a lot less binge drinky and a bit more chilled drinky. But that sort of meant that I sort, drunk more. I don't drink on weekdays. I'm only drinking at weekends, but sometimes I'm like, I, I drank some wine at home on my own for the first time. I probably in a decade, like I, I don't ever do that, ever. And last Sunday I just, the Sunday just gone. I had a lovely day where I made Christmas presents and Yu Yu logs, Yu logs for Yule on the 21st on the winter Soltice. And I just did it whilst having some wine and it was lovely. It was only one glass. In fact, it felt like a drunk load. Oh. And a Bailey's coffee and it was really nice. So yeah, this year was the year of purification in terms of numerology, but also especially'cause Pluto Pluto's gone into a Aquarius. And yeah this nine year was about like the moment before. The, in terms of alchemy, it was the year of like purifying your instruments before turning things into gold. But it meant that it was so, and it's quite subtle energy. So it was a lot to do with subliminal messaging and subliminal like using your subconscious to dream the thing that you're gonna turn into gold next year. And so I used the icono stasis, like I just had it at the end of where I do yoga. So every morning I have a practice where I wake up, I light a candle, I light a jaw stick, I put yoga mat down, I spray it with nice smells, and then I pull a card for the day, um, a goddess det card. And then put some rose cream on my heart and I have some rose tincture that I put in my mouth to open my heart up. And then I'll do a yoga session, like 20 minute yoga video thing. And then I'll do a. 10 minute meditation and, um, and I had my icon stasis with what I'd created for this year at the foot of my yoga mat. So that, so while I was doing yoga and I was like going down and doing the cobra and things like that, I'd be looking up at this image of what I was creating this year. And I got it out the other day and literally everything on it I've done, which is pretty fucking cool. And today, and yesterday, the last few things that I wanted to create that hadn't yet been created, happened. So I, I feel the Capricorn in me is extremely proud of itself for achieving all the things that it wanted to achieve this year. So I'm extremely excited about that. And yeah, it just feels good. It feels really good and. I've got such amazing plans for next year and next year is a 10 year, which is when you turn the stuff into gold. And I think I talked last week about the Leo Energy of that. So this Lots Cup is all about the potential of what we're about to create. So what is it you wanna create next year? And to start gathering those images and start thinking about it so that we can make a Capricorn Icono stasis for the Dark Moon, which actually will probably be around the time of the last podcast for this season. So next week I'm interviewing someone who I'm very excited about interviewing, but I'm not gonna say anything about it until, uh, it happens. And then it'll be the final one with me on my own. And, uh, let me feel into it. But it'd be nice if we maybe did some kind of intention setting thing for it. I'll feel into how that's gonna be and yeah let's see what potential we can create for next year and that Leo energy of being on show. We're gonna be very. Very visible, very gold, very proud brave and courageous. Not proud, brave, and courageous. Don't try and hide'cause it will just be a nightmare. You'll be visible anyway, but in a negative way. So you might as well be v visible in a positive way to step into our gold and into our power and into our spotlight next year. It doesn't have to be big and loud. It can be in whatever is your style. You haven't gotta do it like anybody else, but to just step into it in yourself and be the best, brightest, most bodacious version of yourself and to. Really go for it next year. And I feel, so it's something massively shifted.'cause two weeks ago, no. Yeah, two or three weeks ago. My mom was on the phone with me while I was howling with tears and she was saying, I think you are perimenopausal, which I think I am. Um, but I'd also been on the road for two months without any ashwagandha, which is what I take. I've been taking it since doing IVF'cause the IVF sent me completely batty and so e so there's not, the ashwagandha's just stopped me being batty since then. And because I've taken it that whole time, there hasn't noticeably been a period where I haven't been batty in between IVF and now where I think the battiness is coming from perimenopausal nurse. But what is noticeable is when I don't take ashwagandha, I go completely crazy. I'm not saying that Ashana will work for everyone. But it does work for me. I know some people who find it can make them feel quite testosterone and aggressive'cause it kind of hormone balances you. So yeah, for some people it can make them feel quite aggressive. It, it totally is gonna depend on you and your body. But for me, I it's noticeable when I don't take it and I hadn't taken it for two months and I came back having had a quite a difficult time and then coming back to quite a difficult moment when I got back to suddenly just like really not having it in me to cope with anything at all and I fell apart and I needed that. I think I, all of these things are meant to happen and a part of the blessed of the cracked for they let in the light. I love cracking. I'm very Teflon because I'm a Capricorn and a Capricorn Moon. Capricorns don't do emotion, so I'm. Outward. You know, my sun is Capricorn, my moon is Capricorn and my Mars, so I'm so Teflon. I'm just like, I only cry when my period's due. It's so difficult for me to cry. I didn't even, I cried a little bit today when I found out about Ben, but I, I just struggled to cry and, and my period is due like due any day now and not crazy. This time I've been taking ashwagandha this month. It's just so noticeable that when I take it it changes everything. But yeah, I just, um, I was on a big journey. It made me feel really, really hard getting back here. And then just this shift has been amazing and so noticeable and it feels like something, some. I dunno, like a, um, what they call the travelators making me speedily fly into New Year. And I just, it suddenly feels like, yeah baby, let's go. But what's great is in the new year, I'm gonna be doing an interview with my tarot, and he's not really astrology, but more like tarot and numerology teacher. So he's been my teacher for. At least, yeah, for five years now. It's been quite a long time. So he is been my teacher for the last five years and he is the person who's taught me Perot and numerology and uh, and an understanding of as Astro. He's not an astrologer, but it, they all tie together, you know, they're all, um, linked to each other. So yeah he's been my teacher and I'm looking forward to interviewing him, but I'll interview him in January, but actually it won't come out till March, but it'll be my first podcast, like my, you know, first interview podcast when I come back in the new year. And that will be about it being a 10 year. So that's really exciting. And I know we'll already be a bit into it, but that's kind of good.'cause it means you can reflect on how it feels different and what started to happen. And it'll be in time for spring.'cause you shouldn't try and get everything done, you know, it's not like you do your new resolutions and then January, February you crack. No, January, February you chill out. I I don't at all even think about it until a star the end of March 20th. Yeah, which is 20th, 23rd of March. This year is when we're doing the immersion weekend. That's when I'll start going, right. Okay. What am I gonna do to get this ball rolling? Um, before that, I just take it as gently as I possibly can, and it's important to do that because seasonal affective disorder affected me so badly for years, and I noticed it because I was at drama school in Brighton in a school that was down near the coast. It was like one of the sort of side roads that just came off from the front drag. And two years in a row, I was gripping the barriers out to sea, just wailing at the sea, crying, just absolutely wailing at the sea. And I, I sort of clocked that. I'd done that. Exact same thing the year before and that it had also been in January. And I was like, oh, hang on. Oh yeah, hang on. This seems to be the time of year when I do this thing. Then I thought, oh, maybe it's more to do with it being January. And that was ages ago. This was 2007 that that happened. And ever since then, I've given myself permission to stop in the winter. So I do creation hibernation, and I do a digital detox. And I've, I mean, I wasn't doing a digital detox in 2007'cause I only just joined Facebook in 2007. But I started to give myself permission to stop in January, February, because here in SARC you can't ignore the fact that it's deepest, darkest winter. You are, you know, I can be here in the house with an absolute howling wind outside. Storm. Like you, you would not, you shouldn't be leaving the house in these conditions. And I have to get on my bike and I have to go to work at the pub and there's no street lights and no tarmac between me and the pub. And it's a over a mile, I think over a mile away to get there. So I've got a ride along dirt tracks on my bike for a mile in the howling wind and rain. The other day I left the house and it was coming straight at me, like the wind and rain was just in my face. I got there and I was absolutely soaked to the bone. You have to put on full waterproofs. It's really funny, you know, and you've got a head torch on because there's no street lights. Like I don't leave the house with car keys or anything like that. I leave the house with a head torch, uh, have to my waterproofs, my head, torch my phone. And that's how I, that's how I live. And. It is good because it makes you much more appreciative of the seasons happening and it makes you more hibernate. And my house is so cozy and I love being here and I love my own company, so it is nice to just lose myself. Like this weekend on Sunday making presents and drinking wine and just being on my own all day long. I loved it at the best time and it's important for us, I think, as individuals to learn to be able to do that, to enjoy your own company and Actually that brings us on nicely to the Chaos Crusade. So Chaos Crusade this week is to have an artist's date with yourself, and this comes from the Artist's Way, which is a brilliant book that I do recommend. Julia Cameron, I think she passed away recently, sadly, but she's. Written these books. She's, she's done quite a series of them. But the Artist Way is the really famous one where I don't even know if it's in the first book, but it might be in the second book, which is walking in the woods or walking in the wild or something. She tells you it's go on an artist state and the artist state is about you taking your inner child. Or if you've listened to other podcasts that I've done, talk about Cain and Abel, like the twin that your parent to these twins. Cain is your chatty loud twin that talks all the time, is your outer world being, and then Abel is your ability, and that's your inner world twin. And there's the bit of you that makes art and is the child. Is the fool is the bit that falls in love. It's the bit that makes love. As long as your head gets outta the way, it's the bit that gives birth. It's the bit that you need to get your head out of the way to get to that we all love, but we don't spend enough time with it. And that's why the world's gone to ship. And that's what I love about our Aborigine culture is that Aborigine and more indigenous cultures the inner and outer world are one. So everything's sacred. Everything's an act of worship. Everything's creative, an artistic expression. And we, whatever you are doing, it's not work. You don't go to spiritual place on a Sunday and do spirit on the Sunday and then Monday to Friday work, which we do. Which when you say it out loud, just sounds absolutely fucking mental. And it is. And that's why everyone has mental health issues, the every day Monday to Sunday. But they don't measure time in that way anyway, but. Every moment of existence is sacred, including sleep, and the dreams and the dreaming. Your dreams mean something. They're important, they're messages. And then you wake up and it's a blessing that you're alive and you go about your day and whatever it is you do is a sacred act. And if you hunt and kill an animal, then you, you revere that animal and there'll be a whole ceremony around it, and then you'll take it back and you'll use that animal and you'll use every bit of it. And all of that will be ceremonial. And then you'll make ceremonial things out of it. And then there'll be food, and then that will be a feast, which will be a ritual and a celebration that you do in community. Like, why are we not living like that? It's just absolutely. Batty that we don't, and then you like, hang out in the evening, have a fucking dance, take some halls and fucking talk to the ancestors or like the spirit of the forest. Like, don't wanna come home and get fatty and crisps watching come dine with me and like, oh God. I mean, it's just mad what we've chosen when we could do anything. And we used to do other things that were more fun. It's like, oh yeah, no, I've swapped all of that for this. Like, oh cool. Looks great. Well done. Slow clap. So yes, your Chaos Crusade is to go on an artist's date with yourself, and it's to do something with yourself consciously, intentionally as a date with your inner self, with your, your silent child twin. Now that can be going to an art gallery, it could be going to watch a movie. It could be. Doing something at home, like making something painting. Do a finger painting. It doesn't have to be good. There is nothing about do something really shit. Uh, and that's a good way of treating it is set out to fail. Set out to do something bad. Don't try and write a masterpiece. Like say, I'm gonna do something. Really. I'm gonna do a finger painting. And go to the art shop and go to the stationary shop and buy things. Buy stationary and don't leave it pristine and never use it. Fucking draw over it. If you've got a journal or you've got some stationary that you bought that it's so special, you never wanna use it. Take that out and use it and write a letter to your twin. Write a letter to your child in a child. Write a letter to Santa Claus. Write a letter to your favorite ancestor who's no longer here. Yeah, just do something that's a date. Go and make a fairy door and go and put it at the bottom of a tree or go wild swimming. Be careful if you're doing that. Yeah, maybe don't do that. I would suggest that if we do do that's great, but don't do that. Yeah, go star gazing, go on a picnic. Like do something with yourself that is an absolute treat where you are not on your phone and you're not distracting yourself, but you're doing something that would just absolutely send your inner child into a gleeful squeal. So that's your chaos crusade. And yeah start collecting images and start thinking about things that you wanna create next year. And, uh, we'll make an icono stasis and maybe that will be a video thing that's separate or maybe I'll share the video that week of the podcast. And we do it together. I dunno, let me fill into that. I'll fill into it. But start collecting images.'cause even if it's just that, that's a dark moon thing to do, that would be great. Do it as a Capricorn Dark Moon practice. That's probably what it will end up being because, um, I'll be doing it in ceremony with people. So yeah create your icono stasis. Create a mood board that you're gonna have for this amazing tenure year that we're heading into. And just think about being brave and being seen and turning the shit into gold. And the shit is like the things that happen to you that are rubbish, that have upset you or have been bad over the years. The, that's your medicine. That's the stuff that you share and impart to people when you are giving people advice. That's your medicine. So we're gonna. Take that medicine, all the things we've learned, all the things we've been through, and we're gonna turn it into gold next year. And that's our journey. And it's extremely exciting and I can't wait. And yeah. Yum, yum, yum, yum. So got two more podcasts left, and then that's the end of this season. And then we're gonna have Creation, hypen Nation digital talks, lovely, yummy, dark period for January, February. And then I'll be back in March. So lots of exciting things ahead, but um, yeah, watch this space. All right, love you all. See the anon.