Nonsense in the Chaos

#65 ‘She Who Eats Filth’ and the Duality of Light and Dark

• Jolie Rose • Season 2 • Episode 65

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What’s the treasure at the heart of your life right now, and what do you feel called to make in the coming year?

Three things steadied my nerves this week. First was The Emerald episode ‘Carry That Weight: On Mythic Burdens and Cosmic Supports’, where Joshua speaks of the old comfort in believing something larger could hold the weight of the world for you. It stirred a deep memory of how light life once felt when I carried that belief.

Then I drew an oracle card: Tlazolteotl, the eater of filth, the cleanser of what weighs us down. She appeared just as I was spiralling about my to-do list, and her presence cut through the self-punishment.

And finally, I stumbled upon the Church of Burn, with its wild promise to “guide you toward an experience of the ritual sacrifice of money.” Their approach flips my long-held patterns on their head, and something in me lit up at the possibility.

As we move towards 2026 — a ‘10’ year — the call is to step into our most expansive, radiant selves. This is the moment to alchemise the muck and mess into gold. With Sagittarius now in the skies, there’s a fire up our backsides, urging us to dream with real audacity as we cross the threshold into a new year.

The music and artwork is by @moxmoxmoxiemox

Nonsense in the Chaos is available on all podcast platforms or you can listen to it here… https://nonsenseinthechaos.buzzsprout.com

I'd love to know what you think! If you want to get in touch with me about anything on the podcast then email nonsenseinthechaos@gmail.com or you can follow me on Instagram and Bluesky @kriyaarts or at the Nonsense in the Chaos Page on Facebook.

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Thank you for all your support -x-

The. Welcome to The Nonsense in the Chaos. I'm your host Jaylee Rose. We have just come out the end of Mercury retrograde and we have lots of other retrogrades going on at the moment as Uranus retrograde and Saturn retrograde. So it's been a big thick soup of quite negative energy. And then also the Scorpio, dark Moon and um, Scorpio very much. Requires you to be like coly truthful with yourself. So when someone's coly truthful with you, that's quite hard to take. But this is about you actually being really cutting through the bullshit with yourself and being honest about how you feel about things, what's working, what's not working. It's quite big. We've just had a big energy that we've gone through, and I can definitely feel that things have shifted. I don't know if you can, but. In my world, they have, it was, uh, the volume was turned up on the whole situation for me because my period was due and brewing the whole time and I'd been away for the pilgrimage. So I hadn't been taking the usual supplements that I take. So I take ashwagandha and I find that since doing IVF and totally messing up my body with hormones, with synthetic hormones, ashwagandha seems to. Balance me back out again, and I really notice when I don't take it. And so I just didn't take it for two months and came back and it, yeah, just obviously very tired, like I'm physically tired still and hadn't taken my supplements, had my period brewing. And then we're in three retrogrades, might even be Pluto, might even be retrograde as well. And. And it's Scorpio Dark Moon. So it's okay, well we're gonna probably have to just go there a little bit, aren't we? And what going there looked like for me was, well, I talked last week about well not last week, the week before, about failure and the feeling of failure. So I went through that phase and then yeah, my health, uh, my, I, I did some exercise that made my body really. Really not be okay. Uh, you know, like if you do exercise and you haven't done it for a while, you get the lactic acid and the, the aching muscles. I had that, but like it, I could tell it was worse than it should be, and it felt like it was because of the pilgrimage. My body was too tired for me to be doing that kind of workout. Which is frustrating'cause I feel like I should have been, or should be really fit. I mean, I feel like any fitness that I did have is probably, you know, it's been three weeks now, so it's starting to ever weigh. But yeah, it's, it's frustrating'cause you're like, oh, I wanna stay fit and I do want to stay fit. But at the same time, my body. Uh, is very much requiring rest and my ankles are something's wrong with my ankles. I think, I think we have worked out that I've been overstretching my ankles for the last two years riding a bike that's too high for me. And I think that I'm hoping I haven't done long-term damage to myself, but my ankles hurt the whole of the pilgrimage and. I've got a feeling it's because, yeah, well I'm pretty sure it's'cause I've overstretched them for the last two years and I dunno whether that's gonna be long lasting damage. Hopefully not. Fingers crossed. Uh, so I need to find out about that. Uh, which is something I'm looking into at the moment. Um, I'm not sure what one can do to put back stretch ligaments. Uh, if anyone knows, let me know. And then yeah. Feeling. It was very I was very much, I suppose, not trusting dle, uh, which is completely unfounded and not fair, but just feeling. Vulnerable and worried that, you know, he wasn't still in love with me and just doing all the kind of girly thing that one does at one's partner, but completely unwarranted and unfounded. But he was also absolutely supportive of me because he's awesome like that, and he supports my, my, my menstrual journey, which I very much appreciate. From him. So we went through that altogether and, he supported me. He's wonderful. And I came out the other side and as soon as I did, I felt such a relief. And so I feel like it was interesting. today, this morning I do it, I have a morning practice where I wake up and I do I wake up and I get my mat out and I spray it with nice smelling sprays. And then I let a jost stick and I light a candle. And then I put on some like meditation, like chill out music, some sort of the sort of music you get massaged to, and then. I do a 20 minute yoga workout, and then I do 10 minutes of meditation and I pull a card for the day. And the card that I pulled this morning the goddess of filth, and I kind of absolutely love this goddess. I pulled her quite a lot when I first moved here and. When I first moved here, I just split up with my ex-husband. He'd split up with me and I, and there was obviously a lot of feeling around that to do with shame and failure and you know, loss of all of the world that I'd just given up my whole life. I'd just given up and so there was this feeling, yeah. Of failure. I don't think anyone can go through a divorce and a breakup of a marriage without feeling like you've absolutely. Screwed up and I kept pulling this godes then how do I say it? My heart is a flower. The Corolla opens, ah, it is the mistress of midnight and she has arrived. Our mother, the goddess, so she's, she eats filth, so she eats garbage. She's, she eats all that is worn out and deteriorated and dirty and I just love, I love it, the eater of filth. And she'll eat up all of your. Shame, your embarrassment. All of the things that are most disgusting and what I love. And this is something that's been a big, uh. Learning from what has just happened in this last chunk of time. So I was doing quite a good job really overall of trusting the process with this retrograde moment because I knew I'd got back from the pilgrimage. I needed to assimilate everything that had happened. And there was quite a big, like, there was a big thing that did happen on the pilgrimage, you know, out of all of the pilgrimages that I've done, it was quite, it was hard. It was wonderful the, with pulling this card today because something I've been. Reflecting on listening to thinking about there's an amazing podcast called The Emerald, which I highly recommend. It's quite a long meditative podcast. They're, they're quite long, I think they're longer than an hour. And they've incredible music and soundscape and it really takes you on a journey. And he takes you into very deep places that are. He, it's a piece of poetry. It's a, a long form poem and I highly recommend it. It's a really good podcast. The Emerald it doesn't come out that often, which is good'cause it's quite a, it's quite heavy. Like you almost need time to digest it, so it's not like a regular, sort of, weekly thing like what I do. It's much, there's a lot of work that's gone into it and it's very deep and it's, yeah, there's a lot going on in it and. The one he just did that just came out was to do with responsibility and how we are being asked to carry so much stuff ourselves that we never used to. So like the community used to carry. Much of the stuff, it might just be that your job's, the water bearer or the stick collector and that's literally all you were expected to do. And not only was that just the only physical thing you're expected to do in your community, like that was your role and, and one to be proud of and was appreciated and celebrated within the group. Like, thank you for being the stick collector, that's your, you are really good at it. But also. The existential angst and the bigger things you didn't have to deal with.'cause the gods dealt with that. And then we took away our faith and belief in things and in religion and spirituality, in, in gods and goddess and the pantheon of gods and or the singular God. And. And now we are expected to deal with all of that ourselves as well. So through individualism we've taken on the weight of the community and the weight of the gods and how massive that is. And it was really interesting to hear,'cause I was a Christian, I was a born again Christian when I was younger. And, um, I, for a very long time was just an atheist. Best part of 20 years. I was a full blown atheist and that's all I was. And then. It was only really in 2020 that I realized that I thoroughly missed having something bigger than me. And what that gave me,'cause what it did give me was someone, something else was responsible for the world and for how the bigger stuff, like for how things were unfolding for. For the movement of the heavens and the this, the events that happen and the meaning of it all, and the connection between it all and all of these things that I just I'd taken all of that away and it was now like landing on the shoulders of myself and humanity and this kind of scientific way of thinking. It was like, oh, this is all, it's all gotta be very literal and logical and rational. But loads of things didn't fit with that. Like so many things aren't rational and aren't and are completely illogical and, are chaos and nonsense and I can't control them. And it's a, yeah, it's a crazy journey, isn't it? So many things that I've been out of control of people that I love passing away. Not having children from the IVF and things like not working out the way I wanted them to, and just being like, but I did all the science, I did all the things, and I even, and I did even pray to the gods and the goddesses. I, I prayed as well. But all of it was just like, you can't force things to happen and you have to just accept that. And that's part of, um, the fool's journey, which I feel like I went on through all of that. But something I got from this podcast was. The gods and the goddesses have their roles and responsibilities and that, that you can kind of lean on them for that, which I, I sort of, I have been doing that, but I think it nudged me towards giving more of, uh. Belief to it than I have done since not being Christian. You know, when I was Christian, I fully believed in it, and I, and I know there's an element of having to be careful with these things because, you know, you, a lot of things have gone wrong from religion and a lot of things have gone wrong from superstition and things like that. And so I'm, I'm always. I, I am always half, I'm a Capricorn. I'm half goat. I'm half fish. So I'm half practical who's on the mountain? Give me a, gimme, a scientific, rational reality where I know exactly where I'm at and my, my who's are clacking on stones and rock. And then the other half of me is the fish in the sea of infinity game. We, I don't know, this is all made up. It's all imagination or whatever. It's all spirit. And yeah, I just, it was part of me felt really relieved at the concept of the gods and goddesses are there to hold the things that are so big that how could a human possibly hold that? And just also, yeah, just the amount of pressure that we put on ourselves. It's so nice to be told you're not, you don't have to do everything. Like it's not your job to do everything. And that really felt. Useful during the whole retrograde and Scorpio doc moon time.'cause I knew I was in the buff crying my eyes out to my mom on the phone. I was like, I know it's PMT. I know this is PMT. I know it's my period. I know as soon as I have my period I'll be fine. But I also do find that thinning of my capacity to. Like the thinning of my skin, at any other point in my cycle, I'm very thick skinned. Like right now, all of the things that were bothering me last week do not bother me in the slightest at all, completely. Don't, you know, I don't, I not, none of the things are worrying me. I trust all the situations. I know it's all fine. But last week it really, really wasn't. And even this morning when I pulled this card, it was brilliant because I felt I, I'd had one of those mornings where I woke up and just started listing all the things that I'd done wrong. And that is, it had happened because. I'd had a bit of a hedonistic weekend, so I'd had three days of drinking and hanging out with Dizzle and spending time with my friends, which I needed to do because part of what I'd been playing up in the week before that was feeling like not quite connected to Dizzy since I got back, like it being away for two months. It, we always have to renegotiate our. Relationship again, like how do we click back together again? And I'd got upset about stuff that actually is not a problem whatsoever. But I just got upset about things and fell like we weren't quite there and gelling and you know, and then it made me paranoid and made me get more and more upset about stuff that doesn't, wasn't actually true or real. And so this weekend having, you know, my period had started. The hormones had changed, the script had changed and I, I just needed to spend those three days with him just having fun and just being great together. And I needed to do that so that we would connect. I dunno if I said this last podcast. I feel like I did, but my natural default setting is far, so I'm a very far person and pilgrimage, especially when it's for such a huge intention as peace allows me to spread out as far as I can possibly go, because when I do that. I am, I'm doing world peace, I'm doing peace in myself and peace within the walk and the, the kind of messiness of the pilgrim pilgrimage and the day-to-day stuff of the pilgrimage, but then the people that we meet and then the energy running up and down the whole line of the whole pilgrimage route. And then I was there with Greta Thunberg. The Flotilla emotionally. I was following that. I was with the Palestinian prisoners and the torture and, and then I was with the Ukraine and I was with War everywhere and any, every, all the other wars and things I was hearing about that weren't on the news enough because they weren't at the center of attention and I, so we didn't know about it, and the refugees and the immigrants and people coming to England and being. Turned away in people on boats and, and I could feel all of it. And that's where my energy was with all of it. With everything at the same time, which is hugely far. It's a, you know, it's spread out around the world. I can, I can do far across the universe as well. I'm happy to spread myself that far too, and. And when I come back and you don't spend time even as someone who's a far person like that, I don't spend time doing that level of far often. So when I get there, like before I left for the pilgrimage, I was really scared about. What was going on in far because I hadn't gone there and I hadn't spent time there for a while. It was full of demons and shadows and darkness and fear, and then when I went there and spent time there and really spread myself out, and I felt myself all around the world. Going into these spaces. I was nicely surprised and heart warmed and inspired by how much love and kindness and support there was out there. And so I brought that all back in with me, or like that meant that I spent that time in far and I've come back from it again. Oh, you know what? That's, it's all right. Actually. It's, I mean, it's not okay. There's loads of stuff that's not okay. There's, we all are aware of that. But there is also the other side of what's going on, which doesn't get reported on, and we aren't hearing about every day, which is the incredible acts of kindness and, and generosity and, inclusion and warmth that comes from most of humanity. And so, yes, this fucking awful shit is happening. Absolutely. But it's not the whole story. And we just have to keep, we have to keep trusting and we have to keep doing our thing of being part of the positive and be one of those people, and we need to just keep doing it. And there's much work to do and there are many things we can do and to keep doing them and put them all in the mix, but trust that it's not as bad as it seems overall. So that. That means I felt like I sort of dealt with far. But then because I'd done that, I came back and my middle and close were a mess, and my close was Diz. Um, and also my mom, I had a huge meltdown with my mom. Like I said, in the bath about Christmas and Christmas arrangements again, really wasn't the end of the world, but it was at the moment of the conversation. Hormone led to the whole way. But also middle, which is my work in the government. Uh, my job in the pub, uh, my, my work as an artist and money, all of these things were just like an absolute mess. And I can only do so many of those things at the same time, like, try and do a little bit of all of them, but. Especially if you feel like the close is, if you feel like there's something wrong with the close, that's gonna be your priority, isn't it? So, so that has been, that was my priority during that whole retrograde Scorpio hormonal soup. That was my like, ugh, this is everything. And it was, and it should be. And that is all in a much better place now as soon as the hormones are cleared. But at least it all got talked about. You know, I don't, I don't, um. Think that the hormones are making you talk nonsense. I think they're making you be more honest, more brutally honest and have thinner skin and so be less able to just pretend that everything's fine and you really have to go there and you can't like suck it up or not say the thing. That's a bit. Uncomfortable to be saying which I actually appreciate. I appreciate it. It's not fun, but it's useful and honest in a way that as a Capricorn I'm not very good at being emotional and I'm not very good at having awkward conversations. I'd really rather not. But it makes me do it. It makes me go there. And I actually really appreciate it. And now that. That's put in a better place and everything's kind of calmed down. I feel like I can get on with the middle. And so pulling that card today was good because I wake up this morning and just was beating myself up for all the middle stuff that I hadn't done. And then I got a load of it done. I, and what was good was I pulled the card and it made me go, oh, it's okay.'cause this goddess is holding it for me. And. And I'm gonna let that actually in a much more faith driven way than before listening to the Emerald Podcast go, you know, I actually, I'm gonna let her, she's gonna eat my filth. And you can eat this filth because that was filth. I was just beating myself up. I was just feeling shame and, and I felt sick. You know, when you get that feeling where you feel sick in yourself for like being such an idiot, for being so useless and being like, oh my God, you fucking really fucked up. And then. To have that car just be, no, I'm gonna eat, I'm going eat all your, all your shame, all your embarrassment, all your, I'm not good enough. I'm going to eat it. And I was like, yeah, there's a goddess to, he's gonna do that for me. So you knock yourself out. That's your bag. You can do that. Thank you very much, much, uh, really appreciates it. And um, yeah. Uh, yeah. Giving you my, my worship in response to that. Thank you. And then to then let it go. And then I did my morning practice and I met,'cause I also was very close to not doing my morning practice'cause I felt like I didn't have time'cause of the amount of things that I felt like I needed to do. But I still did my morning practice having picked that card. And I did my yoga and I did my meditation and then I went and got. It all done and I, I finished the day today and had my government meeting tonight, and it's all okay. Everything's fine. Literally everything's fine. And I've got other things, you know, I've still got bits and bobs to do. I still have things to do, but it's, I don't feel behind or overwhelmed anymore. And that feels really nice because yeah, I nearly just completely descended into. Meltdown. So yeah, and now it's Sagittarius Energy. which it feels like to me this moment now building into this forthcoming full moon of Sagittarius. And then Capricorn, I'm ruled by Sagittarius. My personality's Sagittarius, but I'm Capricorn. Sun, moon, and Mars. Like I've got a lot of Capricorn in me, but I'm kind of actually a Sagittarian in a way.'cause that's my rising science, that's the sign of my sky. Whereas Capricorn's, my planets of Sun, moon, and Mars amongst all the other planets, which are other things, and I've got, A real love for people born. It's weird. I have so many pe I've got six now. 1, 2, 3. Yeah. Six. beloved family and friends. All born between the 22nd and the 20 fe. Well, it might have been the 19th. Well anyway, basically 20 to 25 of November. Just like on the cusp, on the Scorpio, Sagittarius cusp I this huge density of people that I really care about. And so I've spent a lot of time observing what that cusp is. And I do. I do really love it. I love it. There's like,'cause you've got all the juiciness of the truth of Scorpio and then all the bravery and the let's go, let's just. Get out there and go for itness of Sagittarius. And I've, I really love it. And that's the energy that I'm feeling right now. It's like, we've done the work, we've eaten the filth, We're cleansed, so it's this absolute purification, which in numerology 2025 was the year of purification. And we've sort of reached the point within the year of that energy of we've purified, we've gone, we've done our things, we've done the journey of the year, and we've got to Scorpio and Scorpio's just like burnt and washed the. The stuff, the dirt. And now we are purified and now in the energy of fiery Sagittarius in that fire, gonna shoot our fiery arrows out into the next year to see what we're gonna create. And next year is a 10 year, which is real Leo vibes. What it gives me of. Like being out there and being seen and being visible and being gold and like turning of turning into gold. So next year is the year of the alchemy. So in terms of the alchemical process, we've gone through different aspects of the process. So like eight was very much soaking the fire of the passion and the, it is, it's, um, venous energy. So it was this real like burning of like getting the fire going and then nine's, purification's, very subtle energy and the subtle body. And then 10 is the gold turning it into gold. So big energy next year. It's really. I, it is the year to make things happen and it's the year to be seen and to be out there. And then the reverse of that can be as people being quite shy and hiding, uh, which I see a lot in Leos. That's why it does really remind me of Leo people I know who are Leo, who are. Not living in their higher power of leonis take up a lot of space, but through negative attention. So they're like, don't look at me, don't look at me, don't look at me. But they literally are saying, don't look at me really loudly, nonstop in the middle of a pub, like covered in really strong smelling after shave. And you know, it is just like, well, we're all looking at you'cause you're saying don't look at me, but do that. Whereas when they're in the positive aspects of Leo, they're just singing like Frank Sinatra and just being fabulous. And I feel like that's the energy of next year. It's like you can hide or you can just get up there and sing. I did it my way, full blast. Waving a top hat in your hand. So I, I wanna go for that, but it is interesting'cause I'm coming off the back of quite a, not feeling like that pilgrimage. It was just a, it was an interesting pilgrimage because. It felt there was, so yeah, there was an element of darkness in it that I've not experienced before. And I think it's because of the, well, I mean, it is, you set the intention for peace. You're gonna have to deal with the, the darkness that comes with that. It's not peace is, it's the same like I just said with Leo. Everything has a, a light and dark aspect. So the light aspect is peace, which I got an abundance for. Sitting for three hours in silence, waiting for what it was, two hours waiting for the moon ceremony to begin. Just sitting in the dark, in the cold on my own, on a monument, looking down over devices, glittering in the distance up. And I was right up on the Ridgeway and it was just silent and it was so peaceful. And then the flip side of being on a pilgrimage where quite a lot happened, that was very unpeaceful in terms of our dynamics. And then. And then the world, you know, like I thought that when Greta Berg's Flotilla was getting towards Israel, that it was going toward, Gaza, where they were heading to. But I, I thought that was gonna trigger World War III and just sort of holding that space and seeing what happens. And then it didn't, and then meant to be a ceasefire. I know that it's a very, um, loosely, not really sfi, but at least some aides got in, it felt like some positive energy. S. Air got in there into the world in general, which is good. But yeah, the flip side, it, it's like love and hate. It's like peace and war. You don't get one without the other. And that's the, that's what really all of this is of ours, that there's a, a duality to everything and. You can't have one without the other. You need both. You need the shades. There's no such thing as conflict being conflict's not bad. Conflict. Conflict makes things happen that we need drama for things to happen because otherwise nothing's happening. And so for the story to progress, for anything to happen, that conflict and drama is required. It's about. Yeah, kind of just going with it to an extent, but it doesn't mean that you put up with where the narrative goes. You, you, your character and your avatar are fighting for the side you are fighting for, and you're fighting for the. The things that you care about and hold dear, whether that be love or peace or kindness and all those things that you are pushing your energy of that forward. And I suppose that's a key thing next year is to really push the things you care about next year. And don't hide thinking you're not good enough, like. Push for the things that you actually, what's the real gold? Don't go for the lower version of the gold. Go for the highest version of gold for the thing you care about most. And that's what we want to start planting the seeds for. Now with this Sagittarius energy, it's like, what are you gonna create next year? Start shooting those arrows out. Into the stars, you know, shoot for the stars. And then Capricorn is like nuts and bolts practical. How are we gonna do this? So you've shot, it's almost like you've shot the arrow up and the rope's fallen down attached, and you've shot up into the stars, and then you've got the rope there and it's like, okay, so I'm gonna climb this rape. What do I need to take with me? How long is it gonna take me? The practical things is the Capricorn. Okay, we're gonna get up this rope now. Sagittarius is shooting the rope up there and what is that? What is it that you are creating? The lower version would be, I wanna be rich and famous and blah, blah, blah. The higher version is, I wanna, I want to, oh, I mean, I, for me, I really want to go do stuff in Cali. I want to help, I want to meet. The other that's being othered and be able to say to people who are doing the othering, I know who you are, I know these people. I've been there, I've seen with my own eyes. And what you're saying is wrong and you are getting the information you're getting from billionaires who are trying to trick you and are trying to. Control you and they're doing a good job. And I'm a normal, everyday person who has physically been there and has physically met the people you're talking about. And this, this is my story about what that encounter is like. That for me is like a big bit of gold for next year. Is something I really wanna do. And this off the back of the pilgrimage and. To give up my story around money. Generally that feels like a huge piece of golden work, and I'm interviewing someone next week. I, His name's John. I cannot wait to talk about money with. it's very exciting. we met on the pilgrimage who runs a church, the Church of Burn, where he burns money and the philosophy and everything that he is sharing on his website and just with the ceremonies and things that he does, I'm really intrigued. And again, it's a bit like with Oli, the goddess. Something about the filthy to just made me feel so calm, like the emerald saying the gods and goddesses have got it. You don't have to worry about it. It gave me this sense of calm and hearing and seeing that John is burning money in a church of burn. Just burning the godlike attachment to money just feels so, like my whole body goes, oh, it does something really interesting to my nervous system that I can't wait to explore further with him. So I'm super excited about interviewing him, but what I'm gonna do now is see what the universe wants me to talk about. If you enjoy this podcast, then please consider supporting me on Patreon, which is patreon.com. Forward slash Jolie Rose. There are lots of things coming up that I'm excited about. there is an immersion weekend coming up at some point. I'm not sure yet if it's gonna be at in bulk Ideally it would be in bulk, but I think. The accommodation, the place that the venue where we normally stay might not be possible for in bulk. Also, the weather is, I've got a feeling this is gonna be quite a harsh winter, and the weather can sometimes uh. Just completely ruin a weekend where you can't get over at all. So possibly a star is maybe a safer bet.'Cause that's Easter time rather than February and it probably will be easier to get here. And yeah, so that will be confirmed. I will know by next week. And then I'll, um, be putting the Instagram posts and I'll be putting up on social media to share that. That's happening. So watch this space for that, that they're in development. And then I'm also offering buy donation readings between now and the new year, in fact, even into the new year for either for you to buy for yourself or as a gift voucher. So I'll send you a voucher for Christmas present, and the donation is whatever you want to pay. The reading will be a reading, whatever the amount is you give me. I have tarot cards and runes and oracle cards, and I can do the readings at different sizes. So if you don't have huge amounts of money and you can only donate a certain amount, I'll just, I'll do a shorter reading. The more money you donate, the bigger the reading will be, So that you can just sign up. If you go onto my social media, uh, you can find out how to go about that. I mean, basically just message me if you message me and let me know what you want to do, whether it's for you or someone else and what you want to donate. And then we can work out. It'll be a one-to-one, but it'll be recorded as well. So if it's one-to-one over video call, we'll record the video call. If it's in person, then I'll record it on audio. Send you the transcript and, and the actual voice recording of the reading and, oh, creation hibernation that's coming up. Can't wait. So I probably would've already advertised for creation hibernation before this comes out. So yeah. Yeah. In the next few days I'm gonna be putting that together and, and sending it out. I can't wait. I just wanna get back into the process again and we'll be doing the same as we did last year. So we'll be alternating each week. So one week and it will be writing focused again. Um, I have done them before where it's a bit more like anything creative, which is wonderful and I do really enjoy doing it, but I've got so much writing I need to get done that it, it is writing focus for me at the moment. So the first week will be us meeting up and doing. Writing exercises. And then the second week will be us meeting up and just writing. But we are together and so it makes us stay together and do it. And so we just keep doing that. We keep alternating. So we're either on the we're either doing exercises or we're meeting up just to support each other. if you are interested in any of those offerings, then. Definitely get in touch. I do all of the work that I do in ways that are as accessible as possible. So most of the stuff I do is for free and you supporting me on Patreon just means I'm able to do this. And if you are someone who's got the funds to be able to do it, I mean, I'm really on tight funds and I support Two artists through Patreon and then other people as much as I can. I just support'em through word of mouth, so that's another thing you can do. If you're not able to support me on Patreon, then please share and. Tell people about what I'm doing, word of mouth is key. So it's extremely useful for you to do that. And if you were to just post, oh, I love this podcast, give it a listen, that's also really useful. So whatever you're able to do that's gratefully received and I just hope you're enjoying it. And it also, it's always lovely to receive messages saying that you're enjoying it. So that's also lovely. Thank you ever so much for your support. No one with the show. Joy. Yeah that really is where I'm at now that I'm not on my period PMT anymore. So that is what, yeah, it just feels like it, it is just, it's interesting. D actually said to me yesterday. Being a woman is just mad, isn't it? And I love it. He said to me once, it's not your period, it's our period. And I, what more can you possibly want from a partner? Most beautiful thing I think anyone's ever said to me. To be fair, I love that he supports me and holds space for me to go through the different phases I go through, but I just laughed when he said it. I was like. Every step of the way, you keep finding out about another layer of fucking bullshit you gotta deal with from being a woman. I do really believe it's playing the game of life on a harder setting. I've got a man in my, I'm, I am trans in that. I have a man. In my body. That means that I know I've been alive before and I believe in past lives because I know that I have been a man and am a man. Not overall. I think overall we're a mix, but I think I've spent the last couple of lives, or at least the last life. As a man. And so I was surprised when I got here and found out I was a woman. And when I do the pilgrimage, I very much feel man, like my man just comes out. So I feel really unsexy on the pilgrimage and I, I don't, I'm not saying that I'm not sexy as a man, but I don't feel sexy enough female way at all. Which I, it's because we are gross and dirty, but. It's, yeah, I feel very much a man which is quite nice to have that time where I'm in that space. But yeah, I, if I'd grown up now as I, if I was a child now, I probably would've transitioned. I know I would've done, I would've definitely been part of that scene and that would've been its own journey. I don't think there's anything right or wrong about. That. But what I have got from not doing it is I've learnt to be female and I really, uh, love it, sort of. I'm intrigued'cause it's definitely play. I feel like, okay, I'm playing the game on the harder setting. I mean, obviously I miss the easier setting because it was easier, uh, but. Obviously you always wanna get better at games, don't you? You don't wanna just play it on the easy setting the whole time. You want to get better at playing it on the hard setting, and you're like, oh, this is a challenge. Oh, this is interesting. This is kind of fun. And that's how I feel about being female. So as much as it's a just a bloody nightmare, right? It's a bloody nightmare. However, wow, what a privilege and a journey and experience and aren't we incredible? And, uh. Again, like the light and the dark. I, I appreciate how relaxed and light and joyful I feel now having just gone through the week that I went through last week where it was literally the end of the world, just, it was so the end of the world. So it's quite funny to be now this way round and nothing to have changed other than my hormones and how that teaches you so much about. Just how our perception of the world is mostly what's happening. You think that it's happening at you. You might do, you could think it's happening at you, but in reality from a different perspective, the situation's completely different. So it's so much to do with how you are looking at it. And that's what I find so intriguing about the female experiences, that the hormones can completely change your everything. And yeah, I'm now currently in joy and just like, ah, everything's great, and nothing changed at all other than my hormones. So I find that amazing and yeah, this lovely Sagittarius energy that we are moving into and to be also going for the next. 10 year energy of, um, 2026 and the numerology of that. So I'm, I'm feeling positive and optimistic and up for next year and what's coming and to start creating fabulous things and gold well up for it. So yeah, that's, um, let's embrace it and just, uh, yeah I'm feeling good after quite a dark. Space and how, therefore, I feel so much more joy and light because of how dark I just went. I mean, my, I cried to my mom down the phone. I don't think she's ever seen me cry like that. I don't even know if I've ever cried like that. I think it was the most cry I've ever cried. It was a big cry and it wasn't just whatever was going on for my mom. It was about us making. Plans for Christmas and I thought she, I thought we were doing something like, I thought I was gonna be staying with her from, you know, the dead period after Boxing Day, between Boxing Day and New Year. And she thought I was going to Brighton and I just totally took that as like, she doesn't care about me, she. Doesn't want me there. What am I meant to do? Why does no one ever think about me? Boo hoo hoo, hoo hoo. And I cried, and cried and cried. And I felt really bad for how bad I, made her feel.'cause she felt awful. And I felt awful for feeling so awful about it. And. It wasn't really just about that really. It was the tears of the pilgrimage, which needed to come out, which were about, you know, world peace and world war and torture and all the sly shit that's going on. And so that was what, what was really crying about, but it was through the prism of day-to-day nonsense and hormones. As a Capricorn, I do find it really hard to get emotional. So in a way, I kind of need that hormonal release to give me the space for it to happen. Otherwise I wouldn't. This version of me now where I'm in my joy phase, where I'm thicker skinned and happier, in myself I, it would, I don't think you could make me cry in this situation. I mean, I don't want that as a challenge. I'm sure if I found out someone I love died or something, of course I would. But this is, it's pretty much unheard of for me to cry during this week. It's only in my just before my period week thought I will ever shed a tear, so I appreciate having it too. Push me to places that I wouldn't go to otherwise. And then I very much appreciate, have having the time afterwards where I'm in my joy phase, where I'm embracing the light and, uh, and I get to enjoy it so much more having been in the dark. So that's what that means to me today. So what is my chaos crusade for this week? I would. Like you to, I'd like you to do something really brave. So the saying, do one thing every day that scares you is one of my favorite sayings, and it feels like very strong Sagittarius energy. So I want you to do something that is completely out your comfort zone and just see what happens. Going for a cold swim or, oh. Going and knocking on your neighbor's door and offering to do something with them over Christmas or doing something like, something nice for someone that you find problematic, like doing something Christmas spirited. Think about lovely things you could do for charity or something that's, yeah, something that's outside of your usual comfort zone. Push yourself and challenge yourself and then. See what happens and whether you, well, especially this year and also, I mean, this is what the whole point of this podcast is, is to get used to the unknown. But we are about to go into this exciting moment of alchemy where we're gonna turn the shit into gold. The Filth Theater is gonna throw up the filth, and we're gonna turn it into gold. So it's, we are turning the shit into the gold. This year coming 2026, and so it is time to throw yourself into the unknown and out of comfort zone and all of that. It is time to do it. So that's what's coming. And I'm, I'm only, I'm, I'm noticing that I'm finding it quite hard to talk for this podcast. Like I, it was I didn't know what I was gonna talk about. Like, normally I have a rough idea of what I'm gonna talk about and I didn't know this time. And I think it's because I do feel like I've kind of just plopped out the end of a really intense process and I'm gathering myself and the positivity's coming back in and that joy's coming back in. But I'm. A bit like, oh, okay. And so I'm sort, I am thinking as I speak, I'm speaking as I think I'm creating as I speak. So I'm creating the world that I'm now stepping into having just been reborn out of this process. Like I'm this sort of stumbling wet. Covered in after birth fo that's just stumbling around going, oh, I don't know. But it's good because it's trusting the process. Like this is all unknown. I don't know what I'm saying. I didn't know what ruin I was gonna pull. I didn't know what Chaos Crusade I was gonna say. But what I feel like is it's time to fucking go. Just fucking go for it and be brave and it's less, in the last year, and just generally, I've been much more like we need to be brave about facing the world and facing the challenges and stuff. And that for me is the far stuff. And, and I just went and did that. I went and faced that and, uh. I'm less worried about it now, doesn't mean it's not a problem and it's not going on, but I'm less worried about it Now. The thought of talking to John next this week, so I'm gonna be talking to him in a few days. But for the podcast next week and to be looking at burning money and to be looking at changing that whole conversation when that's my deepest wound, like that feels really scary and really exciting. So that's the thing I'm gonna be doing for my chaos. Chris Aiders. Talking to John about money and then doing something to do with it, maybe burning some money, whatever it is that I'm gonna do. Like just the thought of doing that fills me. It does to fill me with terror. Very interesting. Uh, but I don't wanna make that the Chaos crusade because possibly that'd be what he comes up with next week. But, um, yeah, I wanna do something that is pushing me outta my comfort zone, but that is for more like deeper and spiritual than the. I guess the simulation nonsense drama that the billionaires are trying to distract you with. It's, it is true and it is happening but it's also a distraction and it's a lie and we need to. Be more than this. We need to be really strong in ourselves so that we can be the woke motherfuckers that we're being accused of being, but really kick ass woke, like, we're gonna be woke, be really woke and really confidently, proudly woke and just on a completely different vibration without fear and with joy and just like clearly a better option. Like that's the, that's what. I would like to see happening. Is it just be like, well, I'd rather be one of them. So, yeah. I know I would, I've just spent a whole fucking two months walking through all the different worlds of that strip of land, you know, I mean, there were, there wasn't any of the northern cities or anything in this journey. There are, when I walk the other journey, but walking through this journey, walking through Luton, which is a rundown. Really multicultural city. And then walking through like, fancy villages, posh villages, sort of thatch cottages, and then like slightly more rundown towns and cottages and villages and things that are covered in George crosses. And, and then the trailer park and Hopton on sea at the end of it, which was covered in George Cross'. And just meeting and walking through all these different people. And I wanna be with the, um. Multicultural brigade'cause they were bloody great. That was the most friendly and and open community that I walked through. But also just like the woke hippies much, they were having a much better time than the angry red-faced, thugs. Yeah, pick your adventure and if you're gonna pick your adventure, really go for it with your avatar and just give them so much oomph. And I suppose that's what I mean by doing things that scare you and challenge yourself and get out there.'cause that's what we're gonna be doing next year. It's really getting out there and playing our part. Absolutely. Full blown. So let's do that. Well, I really dunno what's going on with my word today. I can't really talk, but it's because I'm where I'm at in the process and that's fine and I don't mind. And uh, I'm still enjoying being here talking to you. So thank you and I will speak to you again next week. See you the end on.