#63 Mercury Retrograde and Dealing With the World of Chronos

I’ve been having an absolute technical meltdown recently... computers freezing, files disappearing, batteries dying mid-sentence — all the classic signatures of Mercury Retrograde. It’s that trickster energy again, reminding me that control is an illusion and timing isn’t always mine to command.

In this episode, I want to explore what happens when the universe presses pause — when the messages don’t send, the plans fall apart, and we’re forced to stop running by the clock of Chronos time. That rigid, linear, ever-ticking structure we try to live within — deadlines, meetings, calendars — can feel like a cage when Mercury decides to pull the rug out from under us.

But maybe, just maybe, that chaos is an invitation. A doorway into Kairos time — the sacred, intuitive rhythm of the soul. The time of right moments, not scheduled ones. The time that pilgrimage teaches us to trust. Because on pilgrimage, the body moves slowly, the world widens, and meaning arrives when it’s ready, not when you demand it.

We’ll wander through what it means to surrender to necessity — not what you want to do, but what life is asking you to do. We’ll look at the shadows that surface when everything stops working, the discomfort of not knowing, and how those breakdowns are sometimes the exact medicine the moment requires.

So if you’ve been feeling tangled in delay, disarray, or just plain stuck — join me. Let’s step together out of the anxious tick of Chronos, into the wild, luminous now of Kairos, and find what’s waiting for us in the stillness Mercury leaves behind.

The music and artwork is by @moxmoxmoxiemox

Nonsense in the Chaos is available on all podcast platforms or you can listen to it here… https://nonsenseinthechaos.buzzsprout.com

I'd love to know what you think! If you want to get in touch with me about anything on the podcast then email nonsenseinthechaos@gmail.com or you can follow me on Instagram and Bluesky @kriyaarts or at the Nonsense in the Chaos Page on Facebook.

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Thank you for all your support -x-

Transcript

0:30

The. Welcome to The Nonsense in the Chaos. I'm your host, Jolie Rose. I have been back at home in SARC for. Two weeks tomorrow, and. Yeah, I'm feeling pretty disorientated still. It's been the Mercury retrograde has begun and my technology malfunctioning has been off the charts. So while I was away, my Facebook blocked me out of. It, uh, I can still post through Instagram, so I've still got access to Instagram, and so that's still instantly posting to Facebook, but I'm not able to respond to any of the comments being written on Facebook and. Yeah, just don't have access. I do have an old Facebook account, but it's really old and I stopped using it'cause it's all the photos of me in my twenties getting completely off my head. And I just don't want people to find it or know about it. I only have like a hundred people on it so I can get on and see my Facebook account to see that there are people commenting, but I can't respond. And if I respond with my old account, then everyone's gonna start trying to. Join that account and I don't want them to. So, hopefully I'm gonna be able to get access to that Facebook account soon again. Uh, but as it stands, I don't have access to it. And then my phone somehow, I guess probably from just being in the dam and going from hot to cold, stopped to charging. So the. The charging port said it had moisture in it and then, but kept saying it and sometimes it doesn't and does it and sometimes it doesn't. And so, since being back, I've had to get a new phone, which is a bunch of money that I don't have, being added to my bills each month. Plus the bills here on SARC have just gone up so much, nearly everything's gone up by a tenor, the electricity, the bins, and, Yeah, I'm just like getting a bit scared about everything. I haven't received the oil yet. Uh, yeah, it's all a bit scary, so everything's going up and my wages haven't gone up, and I was already on a very tight, living anyway. Uh. There has been other things that have been good news. So we've had some other positive things happening. Like it looks like we're gonna be able to build a house next, or yeah, next year, which is really exciting and was the kind of main crux of what I was talking about with, my fellow pilgrims when I was walking is. How and what to do about building a house and, and people that I met along the way who are friends, who are into that kind of thing.'cause I'm gonna be building an underground Hobbit house and people are excited about coming and helping and being part of that journey, which is really exciting. And I know lots of people who are, for example, dill, who is one of the pilgrims who's walking with us, is an experienced, Ecology farmer, I guess is the way, is that the right term? she studied ecology, farming, ecology, at, uh, I dunno if it was at university. She studied it anyway and then spent her whole life doing that. So she did that. I think it was college actually. I think when she's talking about it, she refers to college. So she studied that at college and then has been Sort of a sustainability farmer her whole life, and she's so knowledgeable about things like you could just talk to her all day long. Well, I did. I literally did talk to her all day long for eight weeks about the way the land that we were walking through was being managed and about. How to manage land myself when we get hold of it. So we're talking about coing and how to make sure we've always got enough firewood, but also, to create special gardens and exciting spaces to live in. And then also having a workshop and how to treat and create wood to work with and to make, things with, she just knew so much. I mean, she's, you can just talk to her forever about things'cause she does know so much. I will interview her.'cause she's fascinating. She's such an, an interesting lady and. I love walking with her. It was the fourth time I've done a long walk with her, and I've never got bored of talking to her, so it was a real joy to spend that time with Dill. but yeah, coming back here like, so Dill doesn't have a mobile phone. She doesn't have a smartphone, and we get really frustrated with her, but she, I mean, you know what, this. Pilgrimage. We actually got frustrated with her less than any other. I think it was only about two or three times where we didn't know how to get ahold of her. And she just has this amazing sixth sense of how to, like, there was one time, so when we were, along the canals, now's, I wanna say Devon. Devon Somerset way, We'd arranged to meet at a campsite that when we got there, it turned out it didn't exist. It was somewhere that was sometimes open in the summer, and it was a popup caravan site, but not a campsite. And the name of it was the name of a pub that was no longer an open pub. So there was a closed pub. that someone was living in now, it was only because this person had like a kind of spooky statue in the window. I mean, I guess it was getting a bit close to Halloween, but I think it was still September. Yeah, it would've been September still when we were doing this walk. So for some reason they had a sort of weird dummy thing in the window. They looked a bit like a guy, and I think we saw that the lights had come on. The lights were on. So we knocked on the door to see if they knew anything about. Where we could possibly camp or if there was any way of accessing the field that was there.'cause there was just a big empty field there, whether they owned it or it was something to do with them And we knocked on the door and this guy answered this old man, and he was like, oh, uh, yeah, no, that campsite's not open. And you know, no. Yeah, sorry. Unfortunately it's nothing to do with me. Uh, but don't say anything. But the neighbor's letting someone camp in her garden. And we were like, oh, that's probably deal. So we went and knocked on the neighbor's door and she was like, oh, thank God you found us. Thank God you, you did this because we, I just, I didn't know if you were gonna find. Us as in her and Dill, and she was a, a lady, an older lady, and she had just let Dill camp in her garden. I think Dill had gone and knocked on her door to ask about the campsite and she just said, oh, you can stay in my garden. So we all then camped in her garden, which was so nice of her. So we all got to camp there for free and we found dill. It was just mad.'cause yeah, she'd been ill. So she'd gone ahead. She'd gone ahead for a day and. It just does figure out like somehow, even if we don't have mobile phones, it just figures out, and that is one of the things that you learn from doing. Pilgrimage and being in what we call Kairos time, uh, which I'm, I've probably mentioned at some point on the podcast, I'm so lost now as to what's going on with what I've, what's been said on this, what's been said elsewhere. There was a lot of talking involved in the last eight weeks, but we talk about how kairos time is perfect timing, and Kronos time is chronological timing. So kairos means perfect timing. Kronos is the god, Kronos, who's the God of time, which is chronological. You know, your diary. Agenda for the day, all that kind of thing. And when you really get lost in Kairos time, which happened probably about week three or four for us, you are like, we no longer knew what day of the week it was. We no longer knew even really where we were geographically. It was like, I think especially once we got past, it really became very much so once we got past Avery, because I think from Cornwall to Avery, like first of all, Cornwall and Devon. Cornwall went on forever. So Cornwall felt like it was 90% of the pilgrimage. Um, and it went on forever. So there was an element of time getting lost there. And then we were into Devon, but I think Devon and Somerset, we know quite well in that we know Glastonbury, we know Avery, and then we knew we were getting to Dragon Hill. So there was a sort of element of, a series of events that we were expecting and we knew were gonna happen. But then from. Dragon Hill onwards. It was very unknown terrain and I mean, I knew it, but also you're up on the Ridgeway and for many days the Ridgeway is just the same. It's this like you're in the same landscape day after day and you dunno what towns or villages you're walking past below you and. You just get lost and it was very misty and it's wonderful. You're just lost in this, this soup of time and it's so magical and it's so peaceful. the podcast that I recorded and the moon ceremony that I held. Up on this monument, uh, on the Ridgeway for one of the dark moons. And I was, I had two hours to wait before the ceremony was gonna start, and everyone else had gone to bed and I was just sat there on this monument for two hours, literally just sat there I didn't have enough battery on my phone'cause I needed for it to last so that I could do the moon ceremony. So I couldn't listen to anything, I couldn't scroll. I literally just sat there and it's really unusual to do that. And again, that's a very real kairos time thing to be forced to sit in the dark and just sit there for two hours, quite a long time. And, I was just overcome by how. Peaceful. Everything is in the world. Peace is everywhere. It's just not anywhere near us Like we are not peaceful, but everywhere else is peaceful. And so that was interesting to be like on a pilgrimage for peace and peace to be so available and so abundant. But all we have to do is just get away from each other and our, and ourselves, I guess, and our distractions. So. Yeah, that's something that I once, uh, heard recently about our attention is the main commodity. So, you know, scrolling, social media, all these things, they, they want your attention and the more they have your attention, like tv, all of the stuff wants your attention. And the longer they've got it, the more they've got it, the more they can mind you for information that's useful to them and the more they can advertise at you. Yeah, your attention's actually really valuable and so to spend two hours giving nothing attention other than just the darkness and the silence and the peace that is there was an amazing gift and really hard to do and not something that would sort of happen easily. I was, I was sort of forced upon me and I just sat with it and I was like, well, I'm just gonna sit here and this is what I'm gonna do. It was a, a really powerful experience of peace on a, on a pilgrimage for peace. And then, yeah, I've come back and my technology's all completely broken down and I've been in, in a mix of wanting to rest, but then I was really ill. I got really ill when I got back and. Integrating what's happening, but also wanting to see everyone and having to catch up on stuff. There's lots of pressing things that I need to do. Like I, I need to do an evaluation for BoomTown, which was meant to have been in while I was away, but I, yeah, I mean, I love BoomTown, but the admin for BoomTown just doesn't stop. The only window of time that BoomTown isn't asking me for anything is. It was still asking me for stuff in September while I was away. So it's October, November, December, it starts again January. So you get three months off a year before the, the list of, uh, deadlines and stuff starts kicking in. It's, it is quite crazy. considering Glastonbury, we normally don't know who's coming and what we're doing three weeks before the. Festival. I've turned up to the festival many times with no idea what I'm meant to be doing. And so I'm used to that. And then BoomTown's the absolute opposite. So I want to write an, an evaluation of how the festival went because I want to support them and give them feedback and help'em develop and, you know, support that journey. And. I want to also write an evaluation to the Arts Council for the work we just did, because we didn't get that funding. I applied four times for the pilgrimage and we didn't get it, and it's insane. We didn't get it, and we achieved so much and. You know, one, one case study on its own was worth, we only asked in the end for like, I think it was eight grand. Eight grand is nothing to them. You know, like 30 grand is a normal, bid. And we asked for eight grand, which was just for four people to cover their costs and. We didn't get it, which is heartbreaking. And. the case study of something that, you know, on its own, I'd say is worth eight grand was, while we were in chafed, we performed in a school. So. Uh, over 59 days, I think it was, we did 24 performances and we stayed with 31 people. So that means we've directly connected with 31 communities where we stayed with them and we are gonna send them postcards and say, thank you for letting us stay. but obviously we connected with more communities than that because we also. Visited pubs and, interacted with people in towns along the route, which also will have had a connection with that community. I also think there's the audience of people that you just randomly walk past or drive past you and see you and are just questioning what on earth was that all about? And then there's the other audience of people online who were following us from afar and the inspiration and kind of hope that generated for people. But this one school we performed in Shafford, there was this. Lad there who had, hearing difficulties, visual difficulties, quite severe, SEND learning difficulties and English wasn't his first language and he, for the first time ever asked a comprehensible question, Comprehendible question. Sorry. A comprehendible question where he asked us what our names are, and it was off the back of him being really engaged in the play, thoroughly loving it, asking constantly what was happening and just, you know, trying to follow what was going on. But he couldn't very easily see all of what was happening. So, the teacher was explaining some of the things that were happening and what was going on, and he loved it so much that he said, what are your names? And the teacher came and saw us in the evening to tell us. That that had happened and she was crying as she told us about it. And just for that, I think that alone is worth the Hots Council funding of getting some help for taking this blooming thing on the road. But yeah, that was, that was wonderful. And we did achieve so many amazing things, and I'm. I'm assimilating it at the moment and, I kind of, I suppose, am frustrated with myself in a way that I am feeling a bit grumpy, but my period is due, like my period is due in the next three or four days. So that's the main reason my period's due and I'm tired. I'm, I'm. Deeply tired. It's why I want the pilgrimages to, always happen in the autumn is because I do need time to get over it and to mulch and to go in and to kind of hide in my cave. And I, I am in a sort of, a bit of a quandary as to whether I should be doing a digital detox now, because that's what it seems like everything's. Indicating like, I'm grumpy, I'm tired. My technology's all breaking down. in a way I probably should stop now and not be putting myself out there into the world. And, uh, yeah, give myself that break until. the new year, but normally I stop in January, February, so I feel like we're halfway through November now, and then it's Christmas. I think I probably can push on through till Christmas, and then I'll have that time off in January, February again, and, and the podcast will have a break and then it'll come back for season three because I, yeah, I'll, I'll see how it goes. I might stop a bit earlier, but I feel like. During Christmas and the run up to Christmas, there's a lot of buzz, there's a lot going on. So, and I've also got an amazing interview with Fiona Williams next week, although unfortunately, we recorded it and it was sounding great to us. Like, so our first attempt didn't work at all and my microphone wouldn't work, and it was, echoing and then I switched it off and I couldn't switch it back on again. So we had to cancel and reschedule and then we rescheduled and everything was working and it sounded fine. But when I listened back to the recording and I've been editing it. There's a echo still on my audio, which is so annoying. I just, I feel like there's a lot of, this is really annoying moments going on at the moment and so I beg you to, uh,'cause it's a really good interview and I don't wanna have to try and do it again'cause it will actually be the third time.'cause there was a glitch when we did it. The second time we lost a bit of it, and then it, um, had to start again. So I just, it's gonna, it won't work. Trying to do it a third time, I think we'd have to have like a big break and do it again, but then, you know, it's relevant to the pilgrimage, so it feels like it needs to come out now. So please be patient with it next week to, to the fact that there is a bit of an echo on it. I've tried to edit out as much as I can, but it's only a little bit now. But, yeah, that was annoying. For a minute. Why is there so many things that ran away? So, yeah. but it's been really lovely being back and seeing Dizzle that's been incredible and just so lucky to have a roof. I mean, that's one of the things that I feel so strongly is, on the way back I was going through London to get home and just seeing people's beds set up underneath the bridges and just thought, God, I'm going home now and you guys are still out in this and this is your reality. And it's savage. And I really, really want to get to Cali to go and help the, refugee camps there. I would like to go and do it the week between Christmas and New Year, probably I'm not gonna be able to, a bit of a behind the sky. Thought, but I, it is something that I want to do as quickly as possible is go over and, just give my time and energy to giving stuff out like blankets and tents and that kind of thing. it's something I would really like to do, but we'll have to see. And, just being so aware of how hard it is to get dry when you are wet and get warm when you're freezing cold and. But also I'm interested in, I'm interested in how when we walk the pilgrimages, the amount of generosity and kindness and absolute angels out of nowhere doing stuff for us blows us away. And I just wonder and hope that, that that's still true even when you are homeless or, or vulnerable and in need in different ways. Bad things happen too, and, and you know, you find yourself in horrible situations and people can be really horrible to you and it can be quite scary. And that's, that's also there. But more often people are amazing and do amazing things, and I just hope that that is still true when you are vulnerable and of a darker skin color or. You know, your life, I dunno, just your situation is that you, you're not choosing to do this. It's a place where you are more stuck, you know, being homeless or something. I think, I think that probably they're still having incredible acts of kindness and generosity being shown to them because it feels like it's an impulse that humans have for people who are vulnerable and in, in need and need help. But I also know that. You know, homeless people can become invisible and, refugees and people in need of being called immigrants and sponges and all that kind of thing. And so, that's my hope is that people are still kind. it feels very nice to be back home and in the arms of my beautiful man who is just so loving and kind and never ceases to blow me away with how brilliant he is. And to be in my lovely warm house and to have possessions again, and clothes and a washing machine. And yeah, we're so lucky to live the lives that we live and to be in as much comfort as we have. And I know times are getting harder, and I know things feel crazy, but I definitely am less scared about all that out there now, like I. I don't actually feel like World War II's already begun. Now I, I did. I mean, things did change a lot while we were on the pilgrimage. Obviously it wasn't because of the pilgrimage, but it's interesting that you are out there doing something that at least feels like you're in action and it happens that while you are out there doing that, things do really change and shift. It does feel like you are part of that energetic shift when that happens and you know, things have deescalated a lot and that feels good. just from meeting and talking to so many amazing people and being met with so much kindness from strangers for so long, uh, my, my faith in humanity is fully renewed, so that's wonderful. my tiredness and grumpiness is just really my period basically, and also integrating everything that happened'cause it was hardcore and, I've done, five pilgrimages now, and that was in the top three for, in terms of how powerful it was and how hard it was. there's a lot to unpack from this one. It was, it was up there with the one I did on my own where my ex-husband split up with me, which was hardcore, and the one that I did walking to Cop 26 with 30 people. This is up there with them. I wouldn't even be able to say in which order they go. It is just that they've been three big, powerful, hard hitting ones, and the other two were much gentler and more of a kind of pleasant experience. I'm injured this time as well. I've got something wrong with my ankles. My ankles are pretty. tight. They were the whole way through the pilgrimage and they've, they're continuing to be now. so as soon as I sit still for a bit and then get up and try and walk my my ankles are just completely tight. So if anyone knows anything about any physio stuff or any tips on it, then let me know'cause they were very sore. I mean, I basically need to do yoga really and stretch'em as much as possible, which I've been doing a bit. I needed to get the bedroom sorted'cause it's amount of mold and it, it took me till yesterday to really unpack and get everything washed and get everything clean. But yeah, it's that time of year where everything's getting a bit moldy and damp and so I wanna. Back onto doing exercises and not lose the fitness that I've currently got. And I want to stretch everything out and do all the right things, but it's just, it takes a while. You know, you think, oh, maybe it'll take you a few days, but it always takes a few weeks. And then the next thing you know, it's Christmas and then blah, blah blah. So yeah, uh, I'm gonna be on it and see what I can do. but yeah. Now I'm gonna pull Arun and see what the universe wants me to talk about. If you enjoy this podcast, then please consider supporting me on Patreon, which is patreon.com/daily rays. I am ticking along working on a new book, which is gonna be coming out as soon as possible, walking with Autumn. And, after I've got this one published, I've got the second one that I will be bringing out called Listening to the Land, which I'm gonna be writing this winter very much looking forward to. And yes, that does mean that the creation hibernation season is upon us, which is when I go into the digital detox. Period. I will also be offering, some spaces for us to meet up online to write. And what we did last time, and probably we'll do again this time, is alternate each week. One week we would just meet up and write online just so that we made sure we sat and did writing at least once a week. And then, every other week, Have some exercises and things to use to inspire us to do writing, and I find them really useful. I often get a lot of my text and interesting ideas from something like that, so I wrote my whole book, walking With Autumn, just as a first person narrative and then through a. Nature writing workshop gave voice to the spirits of the land and the energies and the earth energies and the, the hedgerows and the plants and things, during this workshop. And then was like, I need that in the book. that should be in the book. And I fed it into the book. And. It completely changed. Walking with Autumn is, autobiographical, but it also has this big fictional element in it as well where I'm giving voice to the plants and everything and I love it. It's really magical. So, these exercises I think add to whatever writing you're doing. So definitely be offering that. Again, that would be opening up and, We will be continuing the moon ceremonies online and the moon articles. the podcast will pause from whenever the digital detox starts until, be the end of February, and then, I will be advertising the. In bowl co conversion weekend, which already, I think we've already got four people signed up for, and there's only seven spaces. So if you want to do that, you need to sign up for it, ASAP, because it will be filling up this time. so that's, yeah, that's all that's, ahead of us and much of that is free. So the immersion weekend, you. Pay for, but otherwise everything else is a free offering that I just put out into the world. And so a way to say thank you and support me if you are someone who has got the income to be able to do that, is to put some money towards my Patreon every month. And it's hugely appreciated. And it just means that I'm able to carry on doing this work and that I've got that money trickling in and I really do appreciate it. So if you're able to help, it's amazing if you can. And it means that. Those who can't afford to still get the free offers, but someone who's got more money is paying for them and it's a really lovely cycle of generosity and support, which is hugely appreciated. So if you can help, that'd be amazing. And otherwise, I just hope you enjoy what I'm putting out there. And huge love to all of you. And now on with this show. Okay, so let's see what the universe wants me to talk about. Ooh, ooh. Necessity. Well, God, well, I mean, Interesting. Yeah, I was about to go off down. My usual very old. I mean, I haven't thought about these things for a while because I haven't been quite so connected to my rooms as I've just done eight weeks of having as little things to carry as possible. So I even sent my travel rooms home while I was away, and so I didn't have my rooms with me. Um, but necessity on my old neural pathways was always like. One of the most negative ruins. I used to always draw a beggar with a begging bowl out, which, a big part of me feels like that a lot. She's like, please, someone help me. and I do get annoyed with that. It's boring, it's a boring narrative and not totally true as well. For example, we aren't gonna be in a position extra year to be able to build a house. So obviously not quite as skin as, Not being able to do that. but that is because of my partner being able to do it and. We are married and we're gonna be building it together. And his grandfather, because the family had been here for 500 years, is able to give us the land, which makes it a hell of a lot cheaper. And I know people who are really good at building things and That's amazing. So together we'll be able to build something, hopefully for as cheap as possible, because. Obviously manpower is one of the most, expensive parts, and I would love to build a hobbit house and for it to be as off grid as possible so that we don't have any bills. And then that changes everything, because of, then we won't have rent or. Water costs'cause we'll have a borehole and if we put solar panels in, then we'll have electric. And then that means that our only costs are the, the tax, the island tax and the bins. so the public works bill. And that that means that whatever it is we are then doing work-wise is just money in our pockets. And that means that I can go to Cali and help out there with the refugees and I can. Come to events and things in England more easily, and I can spend time writing and not have to worry about paying rent at the end of the month. Like I can just lose myself in the process of writing and all of that feels incredible. So the new meaning of this room to me in recent years has been when you are tired and you are strung out. Which is definitely where I'm at now, that you only do what's necessary. And so that is a bit like the universe saying you do need to do a digital detox and it is time to stop. I am listening to that. I do have next week's podcast already recorded, and then that would mean me doing one on my own again after that. And. Yeah. And if, I guess, there is someone who I would like to interview that's sort of, there's a, there's a few people to do with the pilgrimage that I would like to interview before we wrap up for this year. And then when I come back in the new year, the pilgrimage would be sort of old news. So I guess, yeah, I would like to pursue doing the podcast for another few weeks, but. In terms of, yeah, what's necessary, what, what do you need to be doing right now? And if you don't need to be doing it, don't do it. And that's what this room means to me. And I think it's important for all of us because from coming from Kairos time back into Kronos time, and I say this, in the conversation that I'm having with Fiona, and I will probably say it a million times again. Everything about this life feels wrong. I mean, I don't, no, I don't need to tell you that, dear listener. I am sure that you feel exactly the same, but when you are walking on a pilgrimage and you are walking side by side with people and you are foraging from the hedgerows, and you walk till you are done and you stop and you rest, and then you get up again and you move and, and it's not like you're. Disconnected from the land because you almost certainly in a hunter gatherer, reality, would've walked back and forth along the same route. when I walk the Michael or Mary Lines now, or when I walk the spine of Albion, the Ellen and Bellus lines. I know those lines. I know them as beings. And yes, it's the length of the uk, it's the, the length and width of the uk. But I still love it passionately and deeply. And I know the land and I know the landscapes and I'm, you know, the more I do them, the more I'm gonna know specific trees that are abundant with berries, and I'm gonna know. Places to get water and I'm gonna know beautiful trees that I'm in love with and humans that I really enjoy meeting up with. And landscapes that are stunning and that is already happening. there were places that I saw this year that I hadn't seen since 2020, and it was very emotional to be in them again and see them. And some of them, there was one landscape. Uh, I with Park, I'd missed it out in my book. I'd, it hadn't captured it in my journal. And so I and I, and I didn't have any photos of it, so I'd forgotten about it until we got there and I suddenly saw this landscape. But what's mad is that I had been there again since that pilgrimage in 2020. Which cannot have happened because I've been living in SOC and I come back to the UK like once, twice a year. Normally going straight into Boontown or straight into Glastonbury. So there's no way I've gone to this place again and yet. I have been there and I took a different route to the one that we took, which actually I remember from the pilgrims in 2020. I did the same route this time with the pilgrims'cause that's the way you go because that's the direction. So this route that I took, which was in a different direction, went a different way along a wall that I never got to see and I don't even think exists because what I realized is I must have dreamt it. So I'd completely forgotten this landscape, and yet I returned there in my dream. And instead of going the route that I went last time and went again this time I went right instead of going straight on and, and walked for ages along this path and it went along the side of a wall. And I'm pretty sure, although this might have been my brain changing it now, oh, what is it called? a crinkle crinkle wall. Now. I think my memory is now. Misremembering the dream as having a crinkle cr wall in it because I wrote a poem for the pilgrimage that had the crinkle cr wall in. So if you go to places with really old red brick Tudor buildings, sometimes the walls. Wave in and out and it uses less bricks and it makes the wall stronger. And it's called a crinkle crinkle wall. Dill told us that because Dill knows these things. but I wrote this poem. I did, share this on one of my posts on social media. I don't think people realize that I wrote it, but I'm just gonna read it out to you now.'cause this is the Pilgrimage for Peace poem that I wrote at the end of the pilgrimage. So. It goes like this. Waves crash in violence through plummeting rain. Heather and Gores lie marbled, wind cropped contained slender paths slither, where blackthorn squeaks sanctuary calls where the energy peaks. Through the darkness. We travel compelled and undone, drawn to the lines where the earth currents run. Hunky punk grinned down from church columns amused. We walk on sore feet, hill bones, calloused and bruised, crinkle, crinkle, brickwork, ripples and flows. Vistas un unfold from our labors below at the node points where earth's deep currents meet. Our spirits are lifted. Our pulse finds a beat. Ancestor slumber in roots as they hide beach master are crunching beneath every stride. Brisk winds shiver to a chirping of birds. A loveliness rising of tickly lady birds. The world stretches softly preparing to dream held in the shimmer of Autumn's gold Gleam. By night, we lie hidden where wild hedges grow. Owls call their mysteries through the misty blue slows woken by dear through the shade, by their bark, which sets heart rates pulsing alone in the dark, a hush held for pilgrims asleep in the night. Then the soul finds such beauty in morning's first light. As the veil grows thin, our ancestors draw near seagulls, call out and the coastline grows clear. Antes, iceni. Old tongues, whisper and speak through floodplains of jetties. Where old Timbers creek we weave through the valley. Norfolk and Suffolk span along the hemispheres of the brain. A sleeping giant landman. I was quite pleased with that. So that was, a poem that I wrote for the pilgrimage and the giant landman was Graham was talking about in the last podcast where he saw Suffolk Norfolk as being the brain of this giant sleeping land man and the hunky punks of the. stone work heads that you get that aren't gargoyles, but ones that look like normal people, they're normally parishioners who invested in and put lots of money towards the building repairs or, make extinctions and, and add new bits to the churches. If someone put a lot of money in, then they'd be, their faces would be added to it and they're called hunky punks, which is something I knew, I dunno how I knew that I learned that many years ago. But yes, basically, Necessity got very distracted. But yeah, only do what's necessary. Only focus on what needs to be done. Allow yourself these flights of fancy and, and be in that space because that is what I was saying is that. Being in Kairos time for so long, and then having to come back to this Kronos time where everything has to make sense and everything has to be in order, and everything has to fit into a structure, and it's really hard to push yourself back into it. And it does feel like we are meant to be hunter together as, and we're not meant to be sitting opposite each other across tables, staring into each other's eyes. No wonder there's so much conflict, like pilgrimage for peace, walk alongside each other. If people, it doesn't matter how you feel about someone, if you're walking, you walk things off. You might have an argument, but it was three days ago and then 30 miles away. you just walk things off, things move, they move through you. You, you have moments of peace and beauty and love with whoever you are with, and it just, it changes everything and. We would all be so much happier and the land would be happier and the world would be happier. And yes, we do enjoy our caves in winter and we want to go in, but then we would go in and we'd hibernate and we would have this time off and we wouldn't be having to do anything. We wouldn't be farming, we wouldn't be, we would just be going in and we would have whatever stores we've saved and, Right. It'd be scary. There's, there's a lot about, it's. Got issues. We're not gonna just completely fantasize that the whole thing's great, but. I like the idea of going in and being quiet in the winter and being somewhere warm and indoors in the winter and then spring, summer, just being out there walking and fuck this farming malarkey. Like just hunt together. I'd much, I'd much rather it personally and that be what my time is spent doing. And then in the winter, you go in and you create art in the caves. Paint the walls of the cave and you make music and you come up with plays and I'm up for that. Anyone wants to join me. It'd be nice, wouldn't it? And so for a chaos crusade, I do feel like a lot of the chaos crusades are walking related, but I don't think that that's an accident. I think that. The reason why people keep coming back to walking and walking outside is because it's so important for us to be in that space. I think. I think I'm rather than coming up with another walking thing because that's always there for me and, and has been done a lot. I am gonna suggest the exercise that I have planned for. The, the Dark Moon, the forthcoming Dark Moon, which is a Scorpio Dark Moon. because I think a lot of what's coming up for me and is affecting me at the moment is also, not necessarily because of, but happens to also be very relevant to it being a Scorpio Dark Moon. Scorpio is all about the real nitty gritty and the real truth and the shadow work and the. Dark recesses work of the psyche so that you make room for transformation. And I think when I first started thinking about shadow work and talking about shadow work, it seemed like this, I dunno, like you're gonna find out you're a serial killer or like, you know, it feels like. Scary stuff, but when I sort of clicked that it's, you know, I've done, I've done that kind of stuff before, like as a teenager, I took an awful lot of LSD and I spent some of that time really going there with myself, challenging myself to be as dark as I could and to just be like, go on, then be really dark, and then. Eventually going, do you know what? You're not very dark. It was actually quite nice. It was quite a good thing to do in a way.'cause I was like, you're not you, you're not that bad. and then as I've got older, I have realized the things that are my darknesses because I think when I was doing that as a teenager, I was imagining like serial killer levels of darkness and. Monstery kind of stuff. And actually it's subtler than that. our inner work is much subtler than that. And there are things now that I do know in my, we like what our, my darkness is, is, being a bit narcissistic. and narcissism is something that comes up and I've been exploring. Life in general. And, I'm really comfortable now with where I am on the narcissist spectrum. It's not, I'm not anywhere near narcissist level. I am confident and I am self-expressed, and I am self-obsessed, but I'm not a narcissist and I know that 100%. And I'm comfortable with that. And if anyone else is like, well, I think you are. I'm like, well, that's your, that's up to you. But I, I'm comfortable in myself with where I'm at on that spectrum, but that's work that I've had to do, that I've had to explore. And I'm glad that I have because it's, not. Easy and not fun because you look into it and you're like, oh yeah, how? I mean, how do you know? I do know now. And if you want to talk to me about it or, unpack that with me, I would be very happy to do it in a, ceremony or, moon ceremony or something. But I'm not going to share that in a, just a random podcast at the moment. I might do in the future. But, yeah, as it stands with where I'm at at this current moment in time. it's been good to really get clear on that. I'm like, oh, okay. I can see where I am on the spectrum now. And, and that was even hard at the weekend.'cause actually when I, I was talking about this with my friends here ins, and I was like, do you know any narcissists? And they were like, well, the most narcissist person I know is you. I was like, oh, great, thanks. But, you know, I know why they're saying that. It's because I'm the only person around here, especially in the Channel Islands that does. This kind of work where you're having to self-promote yourself. there are other people that do as well, who are artists that perform, but they're more in bands and things. But you know, as an actual individual having to promote the work that I do, there aren't many people over here having to do that. So, I get where that came from, but it was funny. but yeah, it's just things like that. It's like the other thing that I worry about in myself that's like shadow work is the. Not wanting to be stuck as not being able to develop, because I'm getting a bit older now. I'm 46 and actually, what is it? So it's 7 14 14 28 56. It is, it's 56. So in 10 years time, that's your second big, Saturn returns. So the first one is, is 28, 29, and that's you becoming an adult that's becoming real in yourself. settling into yourself and becoming actual. And then 56 is. You can't teach an old dog new tricks, and so that doesn't mean you're not gonna learn anything, but you have to have been up until the point of 56, someone who is open to developing and growing and will challenge themselves and will, See where they need to challenge themselves. And one of the places where I can see I need to challenge myself, well, two big ones stand out for me. One is this fucking conversation about money. There's someone I really want to interview about money, who I met on the pilgrimage, who I think is really interesting. so I'm gonna see if I, I'm reaching out to him to see if I can speak to him, but I, I need to. Keep exploring this relationship. I have to money, I feel like it's moved on a lot and that's great except the, but, and then things have moved because this house situation, so maybe, it might just be that I need to drop the narrative and that's interesting and that that's something that maybe I need to do. And then, A stick I beat myself up with is that I'm not very good at anything. Like I, I do a lot of things and I have. Definitely got some talents at things, but none of them do that well, none of them do. Well, I've written books, but I'm not a famous author. I've acted in things and I'm not a famous actress and I've not been in anything big and. I'm good at this sort of thing where I just improvise stuff and, did fooling and was, was pretty good at that, but not great. I wasn't one of the really good ones at it. yeah, I'm like an all right artist. and I know that's subjective because someone else might be listening to that and, and I know how frustrating it is listening to someone. I, it just depends. I, I, I appreciate people listening to whatever anyone is saying and being frustrated by it.'cause when I listen to, Madonna or Prince or someone like that, um, I remember us growing up that they say things like, I just always knew. I just always knew I was gonna be, you know, big or famous or whatever. And I have always had that feeling. I always thought that I was gonna do well. And then that's, that sounds like the narcissist. That feels like a narcissistic thing, but. But then you look at people who have done it and have achieved these things, and are they all narcissists? And is it that they believed in it and they just happened to be the lucky ones where it happened? How many people are sitting at home listening to the radio like me that are going, well, I, I knew that too, and I believe that too, but it didn't happen for me. And how much of it is a lottery to do with where you are born and how much money your family have and you know, the, the, um, lottery of circumstance? And I dunno the answers to any of those things. Uh, you just have to keep going. I, I, but I'm, I've had to just keep going, uh, because I would die if I didn't. I, I can't fit into a office job situation, so I just have to carry on chucking away. And. Yeah, that gets, goes through waves of being really hard sometimes. I'm like, you know, especially when you've got a thing to do, like going off and doing the pilgrimage, you've got a thing to chew on. But, but I, I do worry about like, not getting better at things. Like, I don't want to just be okay with being okay at things. I want to keep developing and learning, and growing, getting better at stuff. And, but then there's always the, there's an interesting, relationship between being the student and the teacher. Because you can get stuck in always being the student. And there was a big, um, step for me when I stopped. Being a student and started being a teacher. I took control of it and was like, okay, I am this now I am a writer, now I am a fool. I am a performer, I am a journalist. I am these things, broadcaster, whatever. It's like I'm just gonna do it and I don't need to keep learning. But then I think any professional in any capacity should always keep training and developing whilst they're there. And yeah, I just don't wanna, oh, I, it's things like, you know, I'm a performer, but I don't know. That many things off by heart. Although I do know the whole of Richard, the second off by heart, but not, I haven't polished up on that for a while. So some of it, I, I, it came back to me while I was on the pilgrimage.'cause it was like, that's how I fit. Like it stirs that up in me while I'm walking. I suppose it's just letting them things bubble through, but at the same time, like I want to have these practiced sonnets or bits of Shakespeare or poems that I, that I know, so as a performer I can pull them out. And as a writer, I wanted to keep getting better as a writer and as a fool to not be scared to just get up and improvise. And yeah, it's to keep challenging myself. Like I definitely need to go and do another fooling. Workshop hit again soon, and I'd love to do some more writing training and all of these things. So yeah, it's, it's to keep challenging oneself so that you don't get stuck. So that's the kind of shadow work. So it was a very long way of saying that my, chaos crusade for you during this Scorpio sticky time, maybe you are feeling similar to me. Where things are coming up is to really sit down and investigate them and write them down so the questions I've said are my worst attributes, my biggest regrets, my biggest mistakes, the places I feel stuck, and if you just sit and write them down, and then what I've said to do. Is, I mean, I'm cheating a little bit because this is what you'd be doing on the moon ceremony. So if you're planning on coming to the moon ceremony, don't do this until you're working with me. But if you're not gonna come to the moon ceremony, then this is something that you can be doing at home. And I'm, I'm saying this rather than doing a separate one because it's just. So prevalent for me at the moment that this is how I feel, that I feel like this is what needs doing at this moment in time with this Scorpio energy. So, what you then do is a thing called riffing, which is where you write channeling someone. And you can do it with anyone. You can do it with Frida Carlo, you can do it with, Eve, you could do it with God, you could do it with time, you can do it with anything. You could do it with peace. But what I would suggest at the moment, because the veil is thin with this Scorpio energy and it's coming up to the dark moon, is that if you. Do it with, an ancestor that's someone that you love that is passed on, that you know has your back. And if you're lucky enough to not have had anyone you know or love pass on, then are there any people that you look up to like Frida Carlo or. Einstein or your teacher or someone, anyone that you know isn't necessarily a loved one but isn't here anymore, even if they're not necessarily dead. Like I dunno if all my teachers are alive or not. but if there's someone that you just feel had your back and supported you on your journey and channel them. to respond to your list. And it could be an overall general response or it could be them going through the list with you and it could be more than one person, so it could be that certain things, certain people come through, and just to give yourself that feedback and support because we are the froth at the moment, the living froth at the top of this. Infinite ocean of, of grief. And we are the culmination of all the hopes and fears of our ancestors, and they're so glad that we are here and we are alive and they've so got our backs and they're really supporting us, and they're just pushing us forward going, go on. You can do it. You've got this, you've got this. So let them come through and let them help you and let them go. Jesus, shut up about blah, blah, blah. Stop worrying about this, or life's too short for blah. just let them speak, let them come through and give you the advice that you need, with that list. And then what we're gonna do in the ceremony is burn the list. We'll write down the advice and the support, and then we'll burn the list, put it in, burn it into a bowl of water, and then that ash will take out and pour to the roots of a beloved plant that's somewhere outside. And then it will. Decay and mulch into the earth over the winter, and then that plant will grow in the spring. And, and we keep the, the advice of the ancestors to hand put it on our altar or just put it somewhere where we'll look at it and Remember it so that we remember to support ourselves and give ourselves that, that love and support that our ancestors are giving us. So that's what I'm gonna be doing in the mean ceremony. I won't be using mean ceremony things, every time for a chaos crusade.'cause I definitely feel like it's cheating. But I just, yeah, I, I, it just feels like that's so relevant to me right now with where I'm feeling about things, that that's what wants to be shared. But if you're coming to the moon ceremony, wait to do it with me, then that makes it easier, doesn't it? So I hope you are all well and it'd be nice to hear from you. like I say, I can't respond to you on Facebook, but I can respond to you on Instagram and if you want to email me, you can email me as well. Nonsense in the chaos@gmail.com and it'll just be lovely to hear from you. So hope you're all well take care. And I shall see the anon.