#44 Purification and Intoxication as Teachers

I said at the start of the year that I’d be doing a dry year and listener Gemma Rogers wrote in to ask me how that was going and if I could do a podcast about my experience of having a dry year. Spoiler alert… I didn’t manage it. Listen in as I share my journey with sobriety, and intoxication, working with all the elements of the ride as teachers. 

I’m also aware of the irony that this episode is coming out during the week that I’m at Glastonbury Festival, where I’ll be making the most of the luxuries available to me by being on the Big Big Rock and partying like a mofu, as one can over there. But from July… I’m back on the little rock, and back on the wagon! Watch this space.

The music and artwork is by @moxmoxmoxiemox

Nonsense in the Chaos is available on all podcast platforms or you can listen to it here… https://nonsenseinthechaos.buzzsprout.com

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Thank you for all your support -x-

Transcript

0:31

The. Welcome to The Nonsense in the Chaos. I'm your host, Jolie Rose. So I said last week, if anyone wants to suggest a topic for a podcast to get in touch, and I had a message from my friend and listener, Gemma Rogers. She said, hi, just listen to your podcast, which I really enjoyed. Thank you, Gemma. I appreciate that you asked for any suggestions for topics of interest. I totally understand it may not be something you want to do, but I was wondering if you would speak more about going alcohol free for a year. As someone who's drunk and partied a lot over the years, I'm wondering how hard it's to give up and you know how pressurizing it might be from other people. I would be super interested to hear your experience, tips, thoughts of influence of alcohol. So it was really good to receive that because it gave me a bit of a check-in moment, which. Okay, so heads up. I haven't managed to do a year without drinking and I'm having, yeah, I'm having a really interesting moment where I can feel that I'm right in the thick of a crunch and it's annoying that I am because I'm about to go to Glastonbury again and I love going to Glastonbury and I see all my lovely friends and I love them to pieces. And I, last year I was in a crunch as well, so it is made me reflect on how. It's been a year, it's been a year of crunch, and that's okay. Like nothing is ever bad about any situation that's unfolding. You have to trust it and go with the flow. And there's been much light within this as well, you know, like, oh, it is, it's mind blowing. The amount of incredible things that have also happened in the last year, like walking to an opening boom town. I mean, it kind of began with d and i, getting married at Beltane last year was just the most magical thing I've ever done. And it, the love was oozing from everything like the earth was in love with us. It felt like we'd been brought together by the pilgrimage. And yeah, it just felt like the land was fully involved and it was wonderful. And then almost straight after I had some really shocking news that completely sent me. A like, it tops toppled me over suppose the way of putting it. But I had said to Dal that when one gets married, it's as if you've alerted the archetypes to your existence. And everyone I know who's got married within the first year of it happening, there's been a significant death or they've had to move house or something really big like that's happened. Like you get pregnant or like something life changing. An archetypal happens in the first year of you getting married. And I told D about this. And then we got married and within a couple of weeks someone I knew and cared about uh, tried to take their own life and I was it spam me out. And then I also had my first big knock in the experience of being in the government here on sarc where. Something I did just didn't land well and suddenly it felt like the whole island was after me with pitchforks and it was terrifying. And it, and then I, that was just before putting on the festival and putting on the wedding that that happened. So I was trying to put on the festival and our wedding with suddenly this like massive negative reaction from a large portion of the population on the island. And people made it harder. Like suddenly everyone was being less helpful, uh, than they had been before. And the children who were very involved in the festival suddenly didn't really wanna do it anymore. And it was, it was a really tough atmosphere to be working with him. And my, um, intention for that year was the mythos of love. And I did come away from it feeling like, wow, actually. The mythos of love is so, so complex and complicated compared to like, love is cruel in many ways. Love belongs to desire. And desire is always cruel, which comes from one of the Sandman comics by Neil Gaman. I'm gutted that Neil Gaiman's now problematic'cause his books, the graphic novels are basically my Bible. So that just makes all of that quite tricky, which is annoying. But, um, yeah, again, mythos of love. It's like, I love his writing, but there's the complication of thinking he's a douche bag, which I thought right from the offset of listening to him on Twitter. As soon as I start falling on Twitter, I was like, oh, never meet your heroes. He's not, he's, I don't like him. So I'd been aware that I'd thought that for a while. But yeah, I'm gutted. I still do love his, the Sandman comics and I feel like there's sort of something that's channeled and channelings been the thing that I've been thinking about lately. So what I have. I have an ability to channel. I don't really ever, I think it's probably the first time I've ever talked about this out loud. I have an ability to channel I have an ability to get out of the way and let stuff come through and it's, it works. That works and it's good. That's something I'm really good at doing. It doesn't come through and manifest. So well in my performing. Like when I perform, I sort of have too much pressure on myself to be a fool or a clown or an actress or whatever, and it doesn't come through as well as when I'm in a pre priestess role and I'm channeling divinity, whatever that thing is, I'm really good at that. I can play that role really well. I mean, I'm not a bad actor or fool or performer, but I'm not, I'm not as good as. People who I think are good. I'm, I'm it always feels forced and it's always kind of uncomfortable to be doing. I'm not really enjoying it. I, and it's not like when I'm channeling, I wouldn't say that I enjoy it. Oh no, I suppose I do. I enjoy it because of the ease. It just feels like a free flow. There's complete ease with it. Whereas when I'm performing and stuff, I have so much pressure on myself.'cause I want to be good because it's my life's, you know, it's, it was my calling is what I've always wanted to do. Although I trust the fact that it led me to what I do do now, which is more channeling in a I guess archetypal way or like spiritual way. I don't really know what any of it is, so I don't know. But that it gave me all the tools to be able to do that. So that's all a good thing. But I don't, yeah, I definitely cared more about the theater world and that had more pressure on it, and so it was less easy and fun. And yeah, it seemed like with creating this mythos of love, it put me through this real ringer of love experiences where I had the absolute highs, but not that absolute lows. There's definitely worse places you could go to in the depth of all that, but there was hate. There has been some hate and anger and stuff within that. I mean really if you pull it through to this year as well. So my intention for this year was the mythos of sound, and I wanted to try and free my voice and express my voice and yeah, learn to be more, sing better. And I did the Neti Gomez workshop, which did unleash a load of stuff and made me very emotional and got me yeah, got me into places that I didn't. Well, I, I did know we're there. They are there. It happens every time I try and sing. It's, it's my biggest block, like singing. Just don't make my voice go funny. Like it is my biggest block. Weirdly, I find wearing lapis lite again, I'm not like, I love crystals and I love working with the energy of crystals. I have them all around me and I know what energy they're meant to give off. And in a way I feel that, but I actually do have a clearer voice when I'm wearing lapis lali, which is so weird is, and I, it might just be psychological, but with all of these things, I'm so happy for placebo to, to do its thing because for me, as a theater maker. All theater is a form of placebo and all placebos a form of theater. And that was the only medicine we had before we had medicine. And it's actually a very powerful medicine. And our whole reality and delirium and dream and fake news madness that we are living in is all a placebo. It's all if you invest your belief in it. I'm just in awe and gobsmacked about how mad the world is about to become and is already becoming through ai. Because you know, like we noticed that a coffee sign that's up outside the, one of the pubs on the island is an AI generated sign. So one of the coffees is called text and another one's just a bunch of symbols and the cream coffee's black and it's, it's just made up. And it's like, this is just our reality now. Like signs that don't mean anything, that are just jumble, that are nonsense. And, and in a way it's better that we can tell'cause it's gonna get scarier when we can't tell, I dunno. It is mad. I'm not absolutely against it all. I'm, I also just think, just nothing to do about, it's happening. It's happening whether we like it or not. We just gotta like strap in and see what happens. And that's how I feel about life in general. So the whole thing's mad and it's happening whether we like it or not. So just strap in and put your hands in the air and scream and yeah, that's what's basically happened this year. So I had this mad. Moment with Beltane last year that went through this whole journey and I got anxiety for the first time or the first time that I named it and noticed it. Yeah, I think it's something that younger generations have been able to teach me as a, an older person now. Like I'm definitely in the middle-aged area and when I first heard about like all the anxiety and neurological conditions and stuff that people were living with, I. Definitely had a bit of a snowflake ness to me. I'm just like, oh, come on. Like, we just, I, I didn't mean, when I thought about it collectively in a political way, I was very supportive. I'm always supportive of where people are at. But with my actual friends who were younger, I was always like, come on, you're, you are gorgeous. What are you talking about? What you, what are you talking about? You've got anxiety or your, you know, low self-esteem. Like you are actually beautiful. What are you talking about? And then I realized what panic attacks and anxiety are, and that I'd been having them forever and I'd just been coping with them and had been living with them because I hadn't named them and I didn't realize that's what they were talking about. And when I realized that's what they were talking about, I suddenly realized that that's what those things were that I was having. And yes, I had. Coped with them and stuff, but it hadn't been pleasant. And actually it's a bit like when you realize that you can take renis for acid indigestion and you do and you're like, oh my God, why was I putting up with acid indigestion all these years? I took a beta blocker for the first time last year when I,'cause I was in a full blown panic attack for a week after the political thing had happened on the island that had freaked me out. And, um, and I literally, I couldn't sleep. I was just, I was in high anxiety for over a week and I took a beta blocker and it completely went away. And it was just, and it doesn't really do anything well, it didn't for me do anything psychologically. I'm also not promoting any of these things. I was just surprised at in myself how useful it was in that moment. I actually had a friend at university die from an anxiety attacks and I only realized that recently'cause he, he would talk about these harp palpitations, panic attacks that he had, but he didn't have the language for it. And we didn't understand what he was talking about. And he died of a heart condition, um, later on. So it might have been, he also had a heart condition. But yeah, he would like, we'd have to sometimes walk to go and meet him from the bus stop because he'd just suddenly frozen at the bus stop having a panic attack. And we were, it wasn't, we weren't meaning to be dismissive, but we were like, come on, this is all in your head. Stop it. And yeah, I, I think there's, it's really good that there's a lot more sympathy and support for. And language surrounding these things. I think there's also, it's, there's problems with how prolific and, you know, sometimes labeling isn't useful, but there's a lot that is useful about it. I mean, for me it's been useful to go, ah, that's what that thing is that they're talking about. Oh yeah, I can, maybe work with it in the ways that these younger people have been doing and that might be helpful. And, uh, yeah, I got really good tips from them and it just, it just changed everything. I was like, oh, right, thank you. Like, sorry, I was being so dismissive of it before and that was really useful. So that was a useful journey and interesting journey to go on. And then over the last year I've learn to cope with those panic situations.'cause I've had more of them. I've had more difficult moments being in government to the point where. My life was almost destroyed earlier this year. So building up to Beltane again this year. It went really full on, but it then was interesting and exciting in a different way because it felt like I was fighting the tendrils of the Trump administration essence. Like if it was a tree, the little mycelium root network, like the furthest reaches, I mean, we couldn't be more further than we are the literally the furthest reaches here. But the tendrils of it and the attitudes and the tools and kind of psychological weaponry that was being used was very similar. And I can't go up against Trump, but I could go up against the immediate experience of Trump us in front of me. And I did. And we won, which was great. It doesn't feel that victorious. Something about it doesn't feel victorious because there's something about it that's scary. I guess. It's scary because. It is still there, the tree's still there. We might have beaten that one little fiber in front of us, but also that fibers could come back. Do you know what I mean? Like it's not, it's not a hundred percent safe. And this was then mixed with putting on Beltane and it pouring with rain on the day, which was just exhausting in itself. And yeah, financially has been a, a hit for the festival. And then and then my friends fear died two days afterwards and I've given myself loads of space to grieve. I've been very openly grieving and it has been, it's been a process that I'm used to,'cause I've lost so many people since 2020. But this one has been stickier. It's been a really sticky grief. And I. I've my executive function has gone out the window completely like even today. And now I also get dyspraxic when I'm, my period's due and, uh, today I've cut my finger on glass. I literally did everything in the wrong order. I've knocked things over. I just got to the point where d basically had to come and just do everything for me because I was just like, everything I touched and breaking, I'm hurting myself. I can't do anything anymore. Could you help me? He's wonderful and he completely looks after me and has absolute, like he said, they're not your periods, that are periods, which I love and he fully supports my different hormone journeys. But yeah I'm. Aware that sort of on the surface level, I feel fine. I'm all right. But on the deeper level, I'm not, and this is a long-winded way of saying I haven't managed to not drink with you. I did manage up until Beltane up until May, and then on the weekend a Beltane I drank and then I didn't drink again until so I drank at Beltane, and then I drank at a wedding. I drank at the wedding that I went to recently. And then. I've been drinking a little bit here and there. Like I had half a bottle of, I mean we didn't even finish it. We opened a bottle of bubbly last night for a meal that I cooked for some friends who came over and we had a sauna to say thank you for all the help they gave us over belting'cause they were amazing. And we had two glasses of bubbles each, and then didn't finish the bottle and then stopped drinking and drank caco and had a sauna. So I did like five months without drinking and then I'm not drinking much. I mean, I'm gonna drink at Glastonbury probably this weekend. Well, they, to be fair, I can't really afford to. And that, that's been frustrating'cause I thought that by not drinking, I'd have loads of money and that didn't happen. And yeah, when it got to Beltane, the reaction I had was what was annoying as I started smoking, I'm annoyed that happened. In a way it's been good because I am. Fully addicted again, which sounds like a strange thing to be good, but what had been happening before is I've always, I started smoking when I was 10 and I started giving up smoking when I was 19. And I've been giving up ever since then. And I've gone through really long periods of not smoking, like six years, five years, four years. I've done huge stints. I mainly haven't smoked. I think most people who know me think of me as a non-smoker. Possibly not. They might say you are deluded, but I think on the whole, people think of me as a non-smoker. I am on the, on the whole, but I will slip in and out of it occasionally. And what my norm was that I would slip into it, have to like. Uh, kind of scratch the itch. So I would smoke for a week or two and I'd smoke properly for a week or two, and then I would give up again. And I'm, I find giving up really easy in theory struggling at the moment. So I would give up and then wouldn't smoke again for ages. But what happened recently since I moved to sarc,'cause Sark is like the nineties, so everything here is as if you're in the nineties. And so everyone here smokes in a way that people don't in the uk. So it was easy for me to not smoke in the UK in recent years, pretty much since the smoking ban because people weren't smoking around me all the time, and I could easily and happily not smoke. Whereas here everyone's, and we, we can't smoke in the pubs, but everyone's smoking, everybody smokes, and. And so, yeah, it feels like the nineties we're listening to Oasis playing pool and smoking and drinking cheap booze. So it is very difficult to not slip into that. And I'd unfortunately learn to socially smoke, which I'd never been able to do before, where just when I drank, I would have a smoke and I'd, years ago I'd made a very conscious effort to not associate smoking with booze. And so I hadn't done, my Achilles heel was if I was smoking a, an interesting cigarette and that would, I would smoke it because it was an interesting one. And then I would get addicted to the tobacco and I would, it would be the same pattern where I'd have like just a little go, and then about a week or two later, and it could be two or three weeks later, I'd have another oh yeah, I'll have another bit of that. And then. A week later, I'll have a bit of that, and then I'll be like, I don't actually want to be not sober, and so I'm gonna just smoke the cigarette instead. And then, and that was how it always got me before. So I associated it that way rather than with booze. And then suddenly, since I've lived here, I was finding that I could just smoke when I drank, but then not smoke in between. But I was drinking quite regularly. So I was still smoking quite regularly, but I just wasn't smoking when I wasn't drinking. And then at Beltane this year, I was so overwhelmed by everything that was happening. I just said, I need a fag. And I had a fag. I really wish I hadn't. And it wasn't even, I wasn't even drunk. I just did it. And then I've been absolutely full blown addicted. More like I was more in I mean, I'm thinking the nineties, I think when I read the Alan Carr book, I feel like that level of addicted. I first read the Alan Carr book, when I was 19. I was living 18, 19 when I was living in Sydney, Australia. And it was not long after that that I went and did Ayahuasca, uh, with my lovely shaman Kahui, who I adore from Columbia. And he told me how tobacco is the most powerful of all of the. Spirit medicine plants, and plants all have spirit and medicine. Plants have kind of stronger spirits and have something to give and share and are sort of communicating and connecting with. Us and with animals and, and other things that use them for medicine, work with them for medicine. And he said that the top of the power pyramid of plants was tobacco. And he said, and I was surprised, and he said, well, look, look at the power it has over the world. Look how far reaching it is, and I've thought that before about wheat, which I've talked about in the podcast before, that wheat domesticated humans and it's the most prolific life force on the planet. Living thing on the planet, and benefits significantly from us farming it, whereas we don't benefit from. Being suddenly having to work and getting a lot less nutrition than we used to. You know, we're, we are now bound to capitalism because of wheat. Wheat got us there in the first place and yeah, wheat used to be the first money was the original money. So wheat got us into those mouth and uh, yeah, tobacco is the strongest of all the spirit plants. So when I think of tobacco, I think of its being and its essence and its archetype and. And as a personification, I think of it as a relationship between me and this thing that has its tendrils in me or has its hooks in me. I. But um. I feel like when I give up this time, I'll be like, and don't ever do it again. And I can't ever say that I will never do it again, but I feel like I will be more rigorous with not doing it again.'cause I feel like I've got myself into a bit of a pickle with it. Sorry. We interrupt this podcast for a short, little delicious, silky temperatures fag break. I um, addiction. I am desire, and desire is always cruel. Worship at my altar. You can't resist. You are drawn to me like moths to a flame. You can't help yourself. I am want incarnate. I am your body aching and needing, even though you know I am poisonous, I am going to be your demise, but you cannot. And will not resist me. There might be a bit of a noise in the background'cause uh, it's daytime. I normally record in the evening and Dizzle just got in the shower and I can hear the noise of it, so you might hear a pump noise in the background. So yeah, I, I started smoking and then I started drinking at Beltane and I've been, yeah, I haven't been drinking much. And I, I needed it for the release, but what was useful, Gemma, and I appreciate you asking me, was you saying that to me and asking me, made me think, right. I'm gonna do a check-in with what's My intentions were for this year. So the reason why I didn't wanna drink this year and to not smoke was because this is a nine year in numerology, and nine is the number of purification in the alchemical process. So this is what, how I was thinking of it, was that 10 is the year where your magic, your power gets actualized. So you turn the lead and the shit into gold next year. Next year is the 10 year, and 10 is a fab number and a fab energy to be in. And this is the nine energy, which is really subtle and really mystic. And I'd say like the, the year of it's magic, it's a, a really magical year. Lots of masters die in a nine year, so the last time we had a nine year was the year that David Bowie and everyone died. And we've had a lot of masters die this year as well. We've had a lot of famous people, special, you know, important people. Die and move on. And what it does is it's like they've gone up a level and it gives space for other people to go up a level. There's an element of that and we're, yeah, it's a year for us to kind of purify our equipment and our apparatus before doing the big thing next year. And that's all great. And then I'm, I'm personally having a seven year, so you add your birthday together, your, the day, the month, the year, and then you add it to the year, which 2025 and I'm mine's seven and I'm having seven. Year seven is the number of prosperity and. When I look at the like, yeah, so nine is the master of all systems. It's just like you're fully ready to do the magic, which happens next year, but this is almost the magic happening. So this is almost like the purification the magic occurs in the next year is the year where you get the gold. And yet seven years the year of prosperity. I got my, um, I get a reading every year from someone called um, uh, Remington Donovan, and I've just messaged him to see whether I can interview him for the podcast.'cause I think he would be really interesting to speak to for various reasons, which I'll get onto in a second. But, um, yeah, this is your year of prosperity and. I, I got this out'cause I, I get a report, a numerology report from him every year. And I got it out today to have a look at in response to Gemma's question.'cause I was just like, we're halfway through the year and I haven't, well, I'm I feel like I'm in the thick of not doing what I was meant to do this year. So from January to May, I did my morning practice every day, which is yoga and meditation. And I was, I was doing the purification thing. I wasn't drinking. What I found though was that I am a workaholic more than I'm an alcoholic.'cause I don't really have a drinking problem. Like I don't drink too much, but I do, well, I've been drinking more since moving here because SARC is a really boozy place. When I first moved here, I got in touch with my friends who work at the Tudor reenactment that I work at Kenmore Hall where. Where we are. Very much a drinky thing there. Like when I went to Glastonbury Festival, I thought that we would act like we do at Kentwell, where people sit around campfires and sing, but they don't. And at Glastonbury it's, you know, party, party, party hedonism and people do sit around the fire a bit, but like, it's not, that's not what happens. This place, Kenmore Hall is the only place I ever go to where we sit around fires and we just sing. And that's what what we do. And it's totally booze orientated. It isn't party hedonism. It's absolutely booze and, bit of smoke, but that's it. And um, and it's just really chill and, but it's so boozy. Like we will fill a boot with alcohol and then. I think that's gonna last us the week and then three days later have to go back and get more. And it's like, oh, it's really funny. But we all, it is a bit much. And then when I moved to sarc, I got in touch with my friends from the Tudor thing and I was like, oh my God, everyone drinks like we do at Kentwell, but all the time and forever. And they were like, you're gonna die. And I went, yeah, I know. So I have been purposefully not drinking very much here because I, I can, I can't keep up with the level of drinking that people do here and I do not wish to. And I know that it's not safe. It has calmed down significantly. cause we now have prescription cannabis that you, you get as a prescription. I think you get the same in England. But I think because in England it's easy to get a hold of without having to get it on prescription. And I think it's more expensive on prescription that people, most people I think don't even necessarily know that you can get it on prescription.'cause it's, it's not really of. Interest or use because you can get it anyway. Whereas here you can't get it.'Cause it's a, um, pirate route, you know, it's a, a smuggling route. And so the whole reason the Channel Island exists is because Queen Elizabeth, I, I said someone go and stop those pirates from robbing our boats every time we go backwards and forwards to Europe. And so the whole premise of the Channel Islands is to stop smuggling and the laws and the punishments are severe here for any, anyone getting caught with anything. And so when I moved here, literally it was just didn't exist. It was gold dust, you know, no one had anything other than alcohol. And so people were drinking like it was. The only party option there was, which it was. And every summer I would be looking after lads who would've definitely been smokers in the uk who were just doing shots after shots after shots who were feeling suicidal.'cause it's a depressant. And they were just, because out their minds. And so since prescription cannabis has come in and most of those people have been able to get prescriptions for it people drink absolutely significantly less. Like we didn't have a day where we didn't do shots before when I first started working here. Whereas now it's only if someone starts doing shots that other people then do it. But we'll go nights, I can go weeks without doing shots, pouring out shots for people. And there's been a hell of a lot less violence. So, yeah, I just think it's, it's noticeable what a change it's made. And, um, and I'm, I think it's a really good thing. And, yeah, with myself, I just have kept a check on it by making sure I don't drink much and I just, I was interested to challenge myself to doing year without drinking. I'm not disappointed. I'm kind of surprised. Well, no, so what I noticed, this was the workaholic thing, was I realized that I have a propensity to work too much. And when I didn't have the off switch of alcohol, I basically just worked continuously to the point where I spent a weekend where I worked till like one, two in the morning every night for two days in a row. And I used to do that all the time. Um, when I was in my twenties, I put a stop to myself doing that. I made myself stop at five o'clock. I used to just work all night. And yeah, I basically slipped into doing that this year. And when it got to, I. The point where I had a drink, I was like shaking. I was shaking from the amount of stuff that was going on, and it was really, it was really shocking, my nerves to pieces. And literally someone just said to me, you, you just need to drink and relax. And I was like, I actually do. I actually really do. And I had a glass of wine and I just, my body just relaxed and I needed it. So this is difficult because I want to support people with not drinking. And what I would like to do is, find a way of doing this without having to lean on bees, which is what I have come back to and where I'm at. So I'm not, because I, I broke the thing. I, I had a drink and I then just wanted to drink that weekend. I was just like, that's what I'm doing, rather than beating myself up and feeling bad about it. I am. I'm giving myself pockets of time where I'm gonna drink, and then I'm going to not drink again for a chunk of time. And I, like I said, I don't drink that much anyway, so it's not, it's not like I'm concerned about my like it as an addiction. And I think the only thing I could say about advice for people giving up drinking is you've gotta find your way through it. My friend, who was a full-blown alcoholic had to, she went and spent loads of money on rehab centers and all these things, and they were just too softly, softly, and they didn't help. She was absolutely 100%. I didn't think she was coming back. She was full-blown, and I didn't think she was coming back. And in the end, the only thing that worked for her was to go into hospital with the NHS. And they literally strapped her to a bed, had the drips going in, and they were like, you know, this is gonna be bad for your body. Your body's going to we need to monitor you, we need to make sure you're okay. And they literally Turkey dry turkeyed her and had to, sustain her body through the process of it. Cold Turkey, her is the word I'm trying to say. And they did. And she's come through and she's, she's physically affected by it, definitely. But I didn't think she was gonna survive. I, I'm so proud of her. I'm so, so proud of her. And yeah, she's back. We've got her back. And it was the most amazing thing because she kept saying she was back before, and you could tell she was wasn't, it wasn't true. And then when you actually saw her and it's like, oh no, you are here. You are actually here. It's a horrible journey and it's the only drug I've lost people to, you know, having lived in Brighton and all, all the plethora of nonsense that's out there. I've had some other people go along the way from various things and incidents and stuff, but, I feel like they were sort of the people that you would expect it was gonna happen with and too, and it was almost like more to do with being young and silly if you got what I mean. Whereas to actually kill yourself through a poison takes time. And the only one that people have stuck at that I'm friends with, it's gonna be different for other people. But the only one that people have found the impossible to walk away from has been booze. And that's been the one that's killed a couple of my friends now. And so, yeah, you just, I just think it's, um, the most dangerous of all the drugs to be fair. And yeah I do feel like I have a healthy relationship with it. But what I want to explore and develop is to. Not need drink to be the thing that relaxes me so that I don't then work too much.'cause work is my issue otherwise. So that is something for me to explore. And it was interesting'cause when I was looking at the numerology report, it's been good'cause I really appreciate you Gemma asking me this question'cause it's made me check in and it's with all these things, with everything, don't beat yourself up. Like, I have to not beat myself up for where I'm at. I, I can't believe I'm smoking. I've been smoking since Beltane and I'm so full blown addicted and I know that I will give up. Uh, I won't be able to give up before Glastonbury. I'm about to go to Glastonbury Festival, so I'm accepting the fact that I'm gonna smoke till the end of the month and then I'm gonna stop in July and I'll stop drinking as well and give myself that time because actually I. From July, I will need to be in full blown training for the pilgrimage in September. So then it gives me July, August to get fit and healthy for walking September and October. And for me, that will be giving up wheat, dairy, and sugar, not smoking, not drinking, going for like going for it with exercise. And that will include me going to BoomTown. But I stay sober for BoomTown because I'm dealing with really delicate work at BoomTown and I don't wanna mess people up. There is ke well, and that's like another place where I like to drink and, and smoke generally, but I'm gonna attempt not to. And then I would've done most of the year. So I would've basically had a May and June that were the naughty months, and then I would've done 10 months out of a year. So that's what I'm. Recreating having looked at my Yeah. Report'cause the report's for seven year and this is your year of prosperity. And again, I'm the least wealthy I've ever been in my entire life. And to the point where the Yeah, I mean, I've been talking about it. The, the thing is, is I've been trying to be really jolly in my podcast.'cause I'm like, I just think that people don't wanna listen. And I have noticed that there's been a bit of a tail off in listeners and, but I also need to be real. I need to be authentic. I can't pretend and just put on a happy clappy show for when it's a lie. And I'm not, not okay, but I'm not all bells and whistles. Okay? I'm in the middle of a process. I'm in the middle of grief. I've lost executive function. I am in the PMT stage of my cycle, but that. That happens all the time. Um, but it means that the glum undertone of what's what I can gloss over at other parts of my cycle, I'm less able to gloss over at this point in my cycle, which is why I love working with my period cycles. Because you can't lie, you can't lie to yourself. You can for a week and then, and you can be like fabulous for, 10 days. And then the truth of where you are really at comes through and it's good. I I, I am pleased that it exists. My, my thin get, my skin gets thinner and I'm not able to put up with shit. And like yesterday I had a couple of things happen at the bar where someone's like, oh, you gonna gimme a pint? I was like, I literally just turned round and saw you. I haven't like ignored you and then you just catch yourself and like, you don't need to be rude, but yeah, I'm just like, no, don't you literally have just given me that and you are. Huffing me along, it's like, no, And it's quite funny. So yeah, they got told a couple of people off on Sunday at the pub and when normally I would've ignored them. And I just think it's good. It's my, I I used to really hate this phase because with my last relationship with my ex-husband, he was so unsympathetic and was so not o it was not an okay relationship. And I could ignore it for 10 days each month, and then I would go into this phase where I just couldn't ignore it. And that's when, you know, and he would make it out completely as if it was me and it was my PMT. And I, but it's not, and, and having worked with it more and then working with Diz who's a supportive and loving partner, it's not that I'm being awful, I'm just. Less patient and tolerant of things that actually aren't okay. It's good. IUI use it now to have difficult conversations. So when I'm, if I've gotta have a difficult conversation, this is the week to do it. Don't do it when you're all nice and happy. Crappy. Do it when you're gonna be real and authentic about it. And that's how I feel about talking with you guys, is that I, I need to be real. I can't just, I was literally just giving myself a little chat in the head the other day going go, you just need to be more peppy and be more happy and, and then you'll get more listeners. And I was like, I only want the kind of listeners that will support me in the dark times. Like, if you don't like me in my good terms, you don't deserve me in my bad times. No, sorry. How does that go? See this thing? I've got no executive function. If you don't like me in my bad times, you don't deserve me in my good terms. It was a Marilyn Monroe quote. So yeah, it was interesting when I was looking at this report'cause there was looking at the. Virtues, which was elevating, abundant, artistic, tasteful, sensitive, sensual, sweet, improve, a charming, helpful, generous tender. And the overall thing is prosperity. This is your year to level up, have a huge aura, be prosperous. And there is an element. This is the year of victories. I did have a huge victory. I did get taken on by a group of very well resourced very confident people who were used to getting whatever they wanted. And there was a group of us involved in stopping them. But I had quite a key, I think I, I'm gonna say it, if I hadn't put my thing out and said what I said. I think they would've lost. We would've lost. But we won. We were victorious. And I think that it was very much to do with me saying what I said at the right time. And it, that was very intuition. And yeah, it was intuition led. I just had a feeling that it needed to be done and I did it and it meant I put my neck on the line and it means I am vulnerable. This, I'm still vulnerable now, and I had a load of awful stuff happen to me because of it, but it's ended up being more positive than negative because the community fully rallied around me. They all joined forces and said no to the situation, which is what I was, I just said, if you don't like this situation that I think is what is about to happen, then you need to say, and people did and it got stopped So it was a victory. But I also feel under threat. I feel like at any point something could happen. I could get a something through the post, Like, I don't know, I just feel quite vulnerable at the moment, which is horrible. And then, yeah and then on top of that being so poor that like when someone said something the other day about Vietnam, I was like, oh yeah, I've always wanted to go to Vietnam. And then I spent the rest of the time working behind the bar trying not to cry because for the first time in my life I was like, and there is no way I can go to Vietnam. And I've never felt like that before. Since the day I was born. I leapt into this life thinking I can do whatever I want. And I've always felt like that. And I've never felt any fear or limitations on doing anything. And I moved to Australia when I was 18 and I've always just been like, and you can just do it. You can just go and. And I guess I need to reconnect with that mindset because I could just hitchhike, I could just go down to the marina and say, does anyone wanna gimme a lift to Guernsey? And then go to Sey and go to a yacht club and just be like, I'm up for going wherever. Like where you are going, I'll help out on the boat. And I could just do that. And you could do it without any money and you could just go and do it. And it's completely possible. And I need to remember that. And that's why I wanna do the pilgrimage again in September, October, because that's what pilgrimage reminds you of and teaches you, is that you can just go walk across the country with no money. But I also do need some money, and I need some money to pay to survive for that month and pay my rent and bills back here. And, um, it's being in the game. When you are in the game, you're trapped by the story of the game. And I'm on like one of the lowest rungs in Western society. I'm, I don't even know what the minimum wage is in the uk, but I'm probably earning less than that. And. Yeah, but we have less bills here. It's cheaper to live here but, um, but not, not enough. It means it's cheap enough for me to live on less than the minimum wage, but I only can afford to do what anyone on a minimum wage can afford to do, which is sweet fa. But what's interesting is here is the vices of the number seven is vapid, insecure, decadent people pleasing, charmless, selfish, emotional, vampire, and defeated. And there's definitely some words in there that I feel pretty. Like, So it's good to just check in because there's, it's not a bad thing to be going through a process. A process is a process and you will only elevate and learn from it. And that's not a given Wawa thing. I've said this before, that's not what I believe. I believe that while there's still hope, the one thing we have control over in this mad universe of nonsense and chaos and hurling through space in a lump of rock is what you make it mean. And what we make it mean is our choice and it's our process. So I'm happy to sit with the storm. The storm is your greatest teacher. As a friend of mine once said, oh, someone I might interview actually, Jez Hughes. He's a Charman Chappy nowadays. So funny'cause he was a such a different character when I knew him. But yeah, he's quite a well-known healer and Charman chappy. But he said that to me when I was at drama school with him. He said that the storm is your greatest teacher and it really, really, really is. When I think of life, I think of a tent and the tent fabric is the happy times and they're lovely and it's, nice. That's the nice bet. But the thing that makes the tent durable and watertight and has shape and gives it its character is the Tempe. But the Tempe hurt when you're being hit by a hammer into the ground, being forced into the ground. It does, it's not a pleasant experience, but that's the bit that is your definition. I'm in the process of having my head hit and that's just what's going on. And, um, there are worse things going on in the world. There are people having worse times than me. I'm very, very lucky in loads of different ways, and there are lots and lots of light within this darkness that is, like I say, brilliant light dizzle for, you know, is the most brilliant light there is. Living on Sark in Paradise is the most brilliant light there is. Being away from all the madness of the world is the most brilliant light there is. So I haven't really got much to complain about, but, um, I'm definitely in the middle of a process. But anyway I'm going to pull aro. If you enjoy this podcast, then please consider supporting me on Patreon, which is patreon.com/jolie Rose. I'm developing and building, and. Learning so much at the moment about doing online work. It's funny'cause this is so icky to me. If I lived in Brighton, I would not be exploring online whatever the influencer world of making money from social media and online stuff especially.'cause you know, any minute this could all go down. And, and also I think with AI and the amount of mayhem and fake news and just fake reality that's already infiltrating the internet. I think personally, if you want to, I don't even know how to do this, what you wouldn't know until you needed the thing. But I, I almost think it's worth buying an encyclopedia like right now. Although it probably would already be AI generated, but like, what I mean is I think we have probably 10 years before we are not gonna be able to function in the way that we function now. Because so much will be fake and history's gonna be rewritten by the people who are writing things. Now, you know Trump, like that rally that just happened for his birthday or whatever it was with the military procession that he just did where no one went and there were protests all over America and people were all at that instead. That's not gonna be remembered like that. I mean, it might be, but it'd be interesting to see in five, six years time how that's recalled. And yeah, I just think, I mean, he's been doing a lot of work with shutting museums and messing around with museums and he's trying to rewrite history at the moment and it just depends on how long he's around for and, and how far this goes. But I think. It's gonna be difficult for us to find information and use the internet in the way that we do currently. So it's also a bit of a losing game trying to build a career online. But I don't really have any other choice. I, for me to get my book out there and for people to buy my books, which is my main skill and talent, I'd say is, is writing. And then my other main skill and talent is doing ceremonies, which I do online. And then I really enjoy doing podcasts and interviewing people. I'd say that is actually a strong skill and talent of mine. I don't have audiences here where I could be doing that live or doing some other way of doing a circuit of touring or whatever that I could possibly do, or even a, I am gonna be setting up a radio station with Jimmy, as you heard last week. But, um, yeah, it's all small numbers here, so there's, it's not a money maker doing that here. So I have to do that online so that it's just, it's the tool that's available to me, and while it still exists, I'm gonna have to just go for it and keep trying to do it. I've been like working on developing my reels and like try and getting people to follow me on TikTok. And I met a TikTok recently who she came over, um, her whole holiday was paid for from her TikTok money. And I was like, what? Okay, tell me how to do this. So she gave me loads of tips and has given me loads of information and I've been playing around with it and it's working. I've had a lot of followers and views and uh, yeah, I'm just gonna keep building my accounts. Um, I've set up a few accounts to, to try out like different,'cause you Yeah. Different niche things and see which one sort of takes off and which ones do better and just do that. I'm just gonna have to go for it so if you want to be a patron, it's like being a patron of the arts in the old days. It's just supporting artists to function without this safety net of the Arts Council, which is slowly disappearing or is, um, increasingly just, I dunno it's just harder to get and, it would be great to be able to stand on my own two feet and not need that. And I'm trying to do that off my own talent and output and skills. And if you can see any of that in me and appreciate it and would like to support me, whatever you do, I would greatly appreciate it. And if you can't afford it, that's also awesome. Please just keep listening and please tell people about it. If you do enjoy it and you like it, just tell people that is so key. So get the word out there Okay. On with the show. Interesting. Okay, so I just pulled the same room that I pulled for the Sagittarius Full Moon. I did a run reading on TikTok to pull Arun for a reading for the Full Moon. And it was this room and I don't pull it that often. It's, uh, EOR, I dunno how it's called eor. It's quite funny'cause it's a horse eor that's a donkey. It's, it means a horse and it means courage and steadfastness. And there's something about Sagittarius energy that's very focused and blinkered in a way. I mean, it's not'cause it's philosophical and out there thinking as well. But there is this, you're shooting a bow and arrow for the stars. So there is an element of doing that and yeah. Okay. Within me at the moment. I'm a bit, I am defeated and it's been good to check in on this numerology report and to give myself a bit of a kick up the backside because I do feel defeated. I feel like I said this to this the other day. I said, I'm feeling a bit like I did when I was working in the call center doing IVF, where I was just like, this was not the plan at 35 for me to be working in a call center and doing this repetitive, awful mind numbing work and then for me to not be succeeding and making a baby. And I just felt like a complete failure. And I feel pretty similar at the moment in that I'm 46 and I'm cleaning toilets. And however, as at, oh no, 35 actually was at the, um, turning point of a chapter change.'cause I, I write a book every seven years and called Statin Returns and um, I. 35 was one of the years where I wrote it, and it's called Never Worn. And it really, it captured the moment of going through the last round of IVF and realizing it hadn't worked and wasn't gonna work, and that I was having to let that whole story go. And that was quite full on a journey, as I've mentioned before. And yeah, that was right. That was a chapter changing moment. Whereas I'm currently in the thick of a chapter, so I wrote my last book at 42, meaning of Life, and it felt like it, you know, I trusted the universe, I followed the pilgrimages. It led me here, it led me to Dizz. And that's why I keep having to kind of come back to is, and I don't necessarily think it's true. I'm, I am having a, um, what's the word? My brain is so not working at the moment. Loss of faith. What's the word for that? Conflict of faith. I can't remember what the word is. Someone used it at me recently because they're going through the same thing. And it's someone who I've who I've interviewed on this podcast and we ha we, yeah, they're in a similar place to me. They're having a loss of faith moment. Like I did a load of work with someone who works with your higher purpose, and they were talking about, they were trying to enroll me in the like, believing you can get money thing and it's meant to be a year of prosperity. And I'm just, I'm just fuck off. Like, yeah, you, you can sit there from your position of privilege where you've got money and tell people that all you gotta do is believe and money just makes money. It's like, yeah, but you gotta have some money to begin with to make the money. And yeah, I, I'm definitely feeling like how condescending and bullshit that whole spiritual, I dunno what branch is. I just, it, I'm, I've been doing it for years. I have got an interesting relationship with money. It is my Achilles heel. It's a big part of my story, but I've done a lot of work on it. I've done a lot of work on it. And, um, I think I mentioned this before, previously I realized recently the benefits I get from my position of being a working class hero kind of thing, because I definitely had the moral high ground in this group of people that were, coming at us and I've got nothing to lose. And that's quite powerful. It is quite powerful. I don't have to worry about a mortgage. I don't have children. I don't, if someone wants to come and, I mean, they'd have to put me in prison annoyingly because I've got nothing of, you know, if any debtor thing came to me, I don't have any debt, which is pretty cool. I don't have any debts. Um, I don't have credit cards or, or overdrafts or anything. I have. Zero, but I don't have minus, which is pretty good and different to when people do have money.'cause when you've got money, everyone gets themselves into huge amounts of debt with things. So I'm in a way really free, you know, and that, that's a good thing. But, um, yeah, it, the hippie thing of believing in money and just changing your relationship to it at the moment, I'm like, you can absolutely do one. I'm sick of it. I've been doing it for years and I'm not going to play that game anymore. And I'm not gonna I'm gonna own my. Benefits from being in the position I'm in, because also, like I've got the skillset to be able to just go get a job. I could go get a job in finance here easily because I'm good at admin. I know how to do stuff like, you know, I've spent years being a Swiss Army knife in the theater world. I can literally do anything. I can do marketing, I can do spreadsheets, I can budget. I'm really good at budgeting. Strangely, I'm really good at budgeting. I think because I panic so much about money. I'm really like tight with my budgets and I've also done enough budgets to know, to not be optimistic, be pessimistic. Uh, that's the key thing with the budget. Be pessimistic and then you're nicely surprised. Whereas if you're optimistic, you always just go, oh shit, why did I think that was gonna be that? So always be pessimistic. Uh, never promise more than you can deliver all of those things. So I, I've got loads of skills that would be useful, but I cannot work in an office. And that's my own doing and that's my own creation. And so. What I feel capable of doing is having some le level of freedom. And that freedom comes at the price of not having any income. So I also take ownership of that. But what I feel like this ruin is saying and will saying in the Sagittarius for Moon as well, is that shooting for the stars and believing I have to keep finding hope. I have to believe that it's worth me writing my books. I have to believe that it's worth me making this podcast. I have to believe that it's that I have to keep shooting for stars'cause it's all I've ever done and no one might not ever get anywhere. I've pretty much resigned to the fact that I'm not ever gonna get anywhere. And that's fine. I mean, I'm 46 at the time. It's not in the time of sports. I know that's not true, but you know what I mean, uh, every step of the way. I was like, oh, be this. Oh, this will happen. And it didn't. And it hasn't. And I just think that that's part of my journey. And maybe people will read my books'cause you know, they capture a point in time. Uh, it's an, uh, what's it called? A stream of consciousness dropping into the reality of a young woman growing up from my first book's 2006. And then I'll keep writing them into older age so it'll capture a life, you know, and they could all be put together into one book at some point. And that will be of interest to people in the future because it will be capturing a, a moment in time that went from analog to digital so that journey's captured. And we might be, already in the motions of World War iii and it will be capturing that journey and how we got into that mess.'cause when I look back and read my earlier books, it's always really interesting how. Simpler things were and hearing and seeing my perspective right from the beginning on political acts and going what's happening here is this. And then obviously so much nonsense has been woven over the top of it since then that it's actually quite relieving and interesting to reread how innocent and simple and clear it was at the start. And you go, oh yeah, that's what that was all about. I kind of forgot that's what was going on. So there is something about that with my books. There's a chance that. I might end up being really famous once I'm dead and I'll never know about it and I'll never know. But I have to keep shooting for the stars.'cause that is my hope. It's my little spark, my little hermit spark. It's the tattoo on my back. It's how I used to sign my letters as when I was a pen pal back in the day when I used to write letters and I had 30, 40 pen pals'cause of Kentwell Hall. I've got a massive box of letters. I used to write so many letters and I used to sign with my little fairy kiss star, which is what's tattooed on the small of my back, my little tramp stamp. It was, I got it done before. Tramp stamps were a thing. And it's my spark of inspiration. It's what career arts means. The reason my company and my theater company and arts company is called Korea is the completion of a. Journey or, I mean, it'd be the completion of a movement in yoga. Karma is the repetition of cycles is where you're caught in a leap and you, you're stuck with your karma and you're going through this process and career is the moment where you go, fuck this, I'm not doing this anymore. I'm changing what I do. And you change it and you change your reality. And my original name was Jolie Pierce, P-I-R-C-E. And that means pretty pierce, pretty pop. So it was a pretty transformation. It was like, just make it more glittery, make it more fun, Chuck a bit, or glitter on it. And so just the essence of me, my spark is to transform reality and to be able to just do that. And when I give up drinking and stuff, I'm coming from that place with it. And that, I mean, that's the only thing I would say is a tip, is that for me to achieve anything, it needs to be inspired. And I've just re-inspired myself now having this conversation. So I appreciate that Gemma rechecking in with my numerology report with all these things. Again especially where I'm at at the moment, it's not like, believe in them, but they're useful tools. So even though I'm in a place at the moment where I'm like, well, I don't fucking believe in any of this stuff. Just'cause I'm in a grump. And also'cause I think it's healthy. I've been listening to scientists recently talking about magic thinking and how we create that. But again, I, the conversation I wanna have with him is where is it problematic? Because magic thinking for me has been the thing that's made me feel alive again. And not just like a tardy old adult. That was what, how I was feeling. And then when I connected to magic and magic thinking, I felt like a child again. And I was in a world of wonder. And that was great. And I, I live for that. I'm, I'm well up for having that Again. I definitely don't have it currently, but I'm, I'm. Up for that. And I don't think it's a bad thing'cause it gave me so much, um, joy and energy, uh, that I think that's a good thing. I definitely think it's problematic when you believe in it wholeheartedly. And yeah, I just think with all these things it's with a pinch of salt, but it's not like the science or literal media reality is any more non-problematic. Do you know what I mean? Like with all of them, we need to more than we've ever done before, we need to trust our own compass. And so yeah, find a way of inspiring yourself to not drink. Something you talked about as well was people. How other people are about it, literally that they do disappear when you are really clear about what you're doing. And I think that's to do with the inspiration. And I'm always surprised at how much busier I am when I don't drink because you have energy and there's so many things to do, so don't feel like you'll lose your social life and stuff. Actually, your social life will seem like a very boring, tardy thing compared to what you are doing. With people who were full of beans and vibrant and up for stuff, so you don't need to worry about that. It, it fills up so quickly to the point where I'm like, I don't even know how I'd have time to drink. I'm annoyed that I haven't got more money. That's annoyed me. But, um, I dunno how I had time. And then I also have enjoyed and have benefited from wedging that time back in again because I was just so full of work and other stuff. You know, I filled it up so quickly that time that actually this couple of months where I'm wallowing in, poisons again, I am also enjoying going, do you know what? I don't care tonight or this afternoon I'm getting drunk. That's what I'm doing. And everything else has to go out the window. And, you know, sometimes that's not a bad thing to do. So I think with all of it, it's a balance. It's all about balance and trusting your own inner compass and, um. That's what I feel this room is about. It is a horse being steadfast and it's got its destination and it's not gonna be distracted by the noise and the mayhem either side. It's just gonna go for what it believes in and what it wants. So my Chaos Crusade for this week is for you to give up a thing do it as a 40 day practice. This is something that I learned from Remington Donovan as well, was to do 40 day practices. So maybe start at the beginning of July, give yourself a thing in July to give up just as an experiment, just to see whether you can do it. And it will just be for, for 40 days. I think this is about you testing yourself just to see what reality's like when you don't do a thing that you do all the time. So it might be giving up caffeine or it might be giving up sugar or wheat or dairy or booze or smoking or processed food, just anything that you feel is not good for you. And you're not saying you're doing it forever, but just do it as an experiment. And that I've done that sort of all my life. I've given things up. I give things up all the time. I don't necessarily give them up forever. But I just sort of test myself to see what it's like and then I'll give things up and be like, oh, I really liked that. That's really nice. And then if I do really like it. I tend to, it slowly works itself into being my reality. And then it might work into my reality that I'm doing the bad thing again, but I at least know that it's bad and I will work back into the reality not doing it again. Do you know what I mean? So it's like, with all of these things, I don't, I don't wanna be too rigid with stuff because I don't think that's useful either. So yeah, that's my suggestion is to pick something that you're gonna give up for 40 days and just do it as an experiment and write a diary about it, write about it, make it into a piece of art, make something creative out of it, and, um, just do it as a challenge. So, that's everything for today. Thank you for being here. I'm gonna be at Glastonbury next week, and I am going to attempt to, oh no. So I, when this comes out, I will be at Glastonbury and. Then I'm gonna attempt to record a podcast at Glastonbury and I'll be sharing that with you the following week. So, uh, look forward to that. And thank you so much, Gemma, for your question. And if anyone else has anything they wanna ask me to explore in the podcast, then I'm very happy to and, uh, sending you all loads of love. And I shall see the, an.