#38 A Meadow of Delight; Filling the Cup of Grief With Rainbows and Sparkles

In this deeply personal episode, recorded in the wake of the Beltane fire, I share reflections on the recent passing of one of my dearest friends - Sophia - a soul woven into the fabric of my life. A Meadow of Delight is a gentle wander through memory, magic, and mourning, honouring the ripples she leaves behind and the light she still casts in my world.

Grief is often feared, tucked away or silenced. But here, we cradle it with reverence. I explore how grief and love are two sides of the same coin. How to fill the cup of sorrow with rainbows, with sparkles, with tenderness. This episode is a ritual, a remembering, and a reminder that the ache of loss is sacred. Join me in celebrating a life lived brightly, and in finding beauty within the breaking.

Listen, pause, breathe—there’s treasure in the tears.

The music and artwork is by @moxmoxmoxiemox

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Thank you for all your support -x-

Transcript

0:31

The. Welcome to The Nonsense in the Chaos. I'm your host, Jolie Rose. Tonight we are going to be talking about grief, so that's a trigger warning for you. If this is a subject that you are not interested in talking about, then absolutely feel free to skip this episode because grief is the subject of the day, and I know that this is a difficult thing to discuss for many people. If it's something that's never crossed your path, then I invite you to stick around just to learn a little bit about it. It's something that probably, almost certainly is going to cross your path at some point. It's the beautiful thing that connects all of us. You are either one of the ones that exit early, in which case you leave behind the people who grieve you, or you are going to be. Possibly slowly watching everybody, you know, at some point pass away. And so therefore, the sooner you get used to this feeling and connect with it and understand it the better really, because it's good for you to connect with a, it's good for you to face it at some point and actually doing a little bit of preparation prior to it crossing your path is not a bad thing. I didn't, I think most people put it off as much as they can and want to put their fingers in their ears and la and pretend it's not gonna happen. But in reality, it's gonna happen to all of us and it's a shock to the system. And actually there are societies and cultures where it's so much more part of everyday life, and I think that it's not healthy the way that we are. Ignoring it in the West, I believe. I heard that the reason why we are the way we are about grief is because of the Second World War, that it was so overwhelming.'cause before that, Victorians used to be obsessed with it. They would, have photos taken with the dead. They would dress people up, they would spend time with them, they'd spend time with the corpse. There were many things that were done differently prior to the Second World War and then second World War. I just think there was such bad PTSD. Everyone was so overwhelmed by all of the loss and sorrow that there just wasn't room to put it anywhere. Which we've undergone a very slight but similar version of that in our recent years with the pandemic in the. The whole world went through a thing that actually had an incredibly negative effect on an awful lot of people. And a lot of mental health issues have come from that. But it's really difficult to talk about it with anyone because you've got no idea if the person you're going to see as a therapist or counseling or anything like that, like the person you're talking to, might have had a worse experience than you. You've got no idea. So when there's something as collective and universal and experiences the second World War or the pandemic or something like this, it does make it difficult to find somewhere to turn to because where do you just don't know if you are gonna be triggering or the person you're talking to might have gone through hell compared to what you've gone through. So yeah, it's I think that the shock from the Second World War put people off of talking about grief. It changed the habits, it made it a lot more sanitized and a lot more at arm's length. But actually, when you look at Mexico in the Day of the Dead and many other cultures where it's part of everyday light it's at least once a year is invited into everyday life. And there's traditions such as the ancestor meal where I think this is a Celtic tradition, but it's definitely part of the kind of more esoteric witchy world where you'll set a table for you plus your loved ones and you cook their favorite meal and you sit and eat in silence and you sit together and eat that meal with your lost ones. I love that. I've started doing that. Really enjoy doing that. And yeah, there's a few things that I'm gonna share with you tonight that are experiences or, techniques and models that I use to work with grief that I've found really useful. So I'm gonna introduce you to some people writers and sources, resources, that's the word, resources that I found helpful. So that's the subject for this podcast. And that's your trigger warning and I hope that you want to look at this square on and explore this, hard but so beautiful in so many ways, emotional landscape with me. So yeah, welcome to the nonsense in the chaos. I am going to tell you a story about a gorgeous person who recently passed away. So her name is Sophia, and Sophia means wisdom. Her father is a druid, he's a head druid and an intellectual a philosopher and a writer. He's written many books. He's a fabulous person, and he comes to my moon ceremonies and I love him to pieces and I've loved his daughter Sophia and his other daughter Helen, known them for a long time. I was much closer to Sophia than any of the rest of the family, but I also know the mum, Sue. She's also lovely, and I met Sophia because she started going out with my ex-husband's best friend. So it was one of those foursome relationships where you all hang out with each other and you go out for meals together and do things together and hang out. Socially. And so they were together for quite a few years, like three or four years, and she was just wonderful. I, I adored her. I adored them as a couple and really enjoyed being part of that foursome together and hanging out with each other. We just connected immediately on a spiritual level. She was a beautiful lady. She had long, curly pre raffle light hair and big dazzling eyes. She had a very sort of wild animal caught in headlights filled to her. She was extremely Kate Bush. She was the hippie end of the spectrum of Kate Bush. I once at New Year's Eve, put on. Kate Bush running up that hill because I knew that my sister-in-law who's also very Kate Bush, but more the jumpsuits and kind of mad eighties avant-garde performance art side of things she fully thinks that she's Kate Bush and so did Sophia. And so I put on running up that hill so that just to witness the Kate Bush off that I knew was going to ensue. And lo and behold it did. And it was so funny'cause they weren't even aware that the other one had done it. Like they just went off and did their Kate Bush performances. One was completely hippie and the other one was like leg kicking in the air in a jumpsuit. And they didn't even realize that there was anyone else there being Kate Bush. And I was dancing around them, comparing them like it was all in mine, but I was like indicating to them and pointing them out and it was brilliant. I thought it was hilarious. And so did everyone who watched it and saw what was going on and. She always wore Bindi and she always wore like SREs and she always had chains hanging in her hair, and she was just really lofty and floaty and gorgeous, and she always smelt divine. And her flat was absolutely beautiful. It was full of trinkets. Like we have quite a similar aesthetic in terms of my house is absolutely full of mad witchy, bohemian clutter spiritual clutter. She was much more into Indian spirituality than my world. So she was into chakra healing and sound, sound bowl, music healing and color healing. And I, when I met her, I was only really just getting into all of this. So I only fully embraced my craft as a witch around 2017, I wanna say, because. Up until that point, it was very much in me. People had always called me a witch. I did do spells for people like as in if someone needed us, like for me to hold a space for them and for us to do something to help a situation. So if someone was feeling emotionally, I. Distraught about a thing. They would come to me and say, we could, you, could we do a ceremony to help this situation, to help my dad in some kind of situation? Or there were other things that people came to me for and I'd be like, okay, and we just make it up on the spot. It was like a creative act, but it felt, it just always made you feel like you had a bit more control over something that you maybe were out of control of. And also, like I've often said in podcasts, I think the way I see spells or yeah, basically spells physically doing a thing, is that you are physically moving the world forward in an outer world way. So you are making your inner world desire move forward in some physical way in the outer world, and that just gets the wheels turning. Even if it's psychologically, it's a placebo thing. It just gets, it makes it feel like something's happening and or it's. It just makes you feel a bit better because you feel like you've got some kind of control. So it calms your nervous system, which means that you are then maybe in a better mental space for making the right decision or working through the problem. So I don't, I'm not w Wawa about this stuff. I am quite practical about it, but I also see that it works. And I'd worked with all of these things for a long time, but I'd never learnt my craft. And it was only when I was writing a play called Sisterhood that I have talked about in the podcast before which was about three women, 16th century women, one age 21 age, 41 age 60, who are locked in a church in the morning. They're gonna face their trial for witchcraft. And I was planning to share the soundscape of that at some point. And. Sophia's involved in the soundscape. But when I started researching sisterhood, I bought a book called Wicker, the solitary practitioner by oh, Scott Cunnings. I don't know, I'll put it in the show notes. He said he did like the 13 Commandments I think it is, for witchcraft, and all of them were things that I did. So it was like, think before you speak, make sure that your words are in that you recognize the power of your words that you look after your body and you look after your health, that you connect with nature and follow the cycles of the seasons. And all of them, I was like yep. And then the 13th one was, know your craft. And I got to that and I was like, yeah, I don't know. I don't actually know that. I don't, I've never studied any of this. I'd never explored it from a place of study. I just intuitively followed my nose and been open to, and given myself permission to be the things that I was. But at that point I went, yeah, do you know what, actually it's about time that I learned all of this stuff. And so astrology I did already do divination. Tarot and ROEs had come to me throughout my life from a very young age. I'd started doing ROEs when I was like eight. So those things were already in me, but astrology, I didn't know. I didn't actually know anything about. I'd been very, don't believe in it until around then. And then I started looking into it more and, yeah, learn how to dress an altar, learn how to cast a circle, all of these things that I'd have been doing anyway. But I just didn't know actually what the techniques were that you were meant to do that are not that old. That's the reason why I hadn't bothered looking into them much was because when I had, I realized that they were quite recently created, sort of 18, late 18 hundreds, early 19th century. And I was like, actually, yeah it's all new. Can I? And then I was like, yeah, but that's still quite a long time ago. And it is what practitioners of the modern day use. So it doesn't hurt for me to know them. I might then play around with them because I do believe it's all about being creative. And so I then explore and play with them. I'm not fixed with any of it, but and I don't believe in it in a like religious way. I just thought it would be useful to know. And I have found it really useful to learn my craft. So that was something that I went off and did and when I created this play sisterhood. I was reading all these books about witchcraft and stuff, and so when I met Sophia, it was around that time and she knew about things like chakras and stuff like that, that I hadn't, because I went more wicker. British based, Celtic, pagan vibe. She was much more eastern esoteric stuff. And so she fed loads of information into me and I fed loads of information to her that she was quite excited about because her dad was a druid and she, she hadn't really been down that journey herself. So yeah, it felt like I was teaching her stuff that she'd heard a bit of through her dad, but it was helping her to understand more what he did and what his practices were. And then I created sisterhood and she did the sound bowls for it. She was amazing at creating soundscapes. And so she would do these beautiful prayer bowls, soundscapes in the background of us doing sisterhood, which made it very eerie and spooky. And then. She also was involved in the creation of the La Luna Coven. So the La Luna Coven is my public coven. It's the open source public, anyone can join Coven that I create the video content for on YouTube. It's a Facebook group. People come to the ceremonies online. It's it's not that locked down in terms of branding. It's a, in my head that's what it is. It's an open source cover that anyone can be part of and at different points I've pushed it, it used to have its own Instagram account and things like that. And then I've just found over the years, it's easy to just put everything in one place. So I do everything through career arts more now. But La Luna Coven was created with Sophia and three other priestesses and we. Started off by it being a live thing that we used to do in Brighton as part of the Brighton Fringe Festival. And it was an invitation for people to come and be in a coven for the evening and sphere had this key to Sussex Square Gardens, and we'd let ourselves into the gardens and there was a beautiful circular walled garden part of it. And we'd invite people in and then we would hold this circle and we did the four moon phases of May throughout the Brighton Fringe Festival the full moon, the Dar moon, but the first quarter and the third quarter, and associated them with the seasons and also the ages of women and, all of the different associations that go with it. So like the phases of the day and all that kind of stuff. Then we, each priestess took a thing. I held it overall as spirit, but then the other four priestesses would take one of the ceremonies and they would put their time and energy into coming up with, what spells we cast or how we worked with that energy. And then I'd just hold the space and support them while they did it. And Sophia did one of them, and she did, I think she did the dark moon. And we sat there in the dark and we had this beautiful sound bowls with her doing the dark moon. And it was beautiful. Yeah, she was the dark moon and, she just has such a wise, beautiful soul. And then off the back of that, we also went to Edinburgh. So she came to Edinburgh with me, with sisterhood and did the soundscaping for it. And then we did a tour where we went to all the places where Matthew Hopkins, the witch finder, general torture, executed witches. And we would do the play and then we'd do a cleansing, healing ceremony there. And then we created an actual coven. So me and Sophia and my friend Scarlet and Cara and Josie created the hedge shark coven, which was named after Sarc.'cause we began, our first ever ceremony was here, although this was when it was just me, Josie, and Cara initially. And we did a ceremony in Sag and then we saw five hedgehogs and we saw five butterflies, I think it was. And we just knew that there was meant to be five of us. And we then initiated Scarlet and Sophia into the cover, and we did it. Initiation ceremonies for each of us. So it was like a wedding, but it was like us marrying our higher selves, but also marrying into the coven. So she also was like, I've married Sophia in a way. But she was definitely a sister. She was my soul sister in terms of being in the coven together and all the work that we did together. And we had so much fun. And she was great to be around. She was really fabulous. She was very darling and talked a bit like Joanna Lumley and we'd have, was very good at making cocktails and was entertaining and was brilliant fun to be at a festival with. And I just loved her to pieces and I wanted her to be in my life more. But she did struggle with mental health issues and the veil was very thin with Sophia and she could see entities and had experiences that were not visible to people on this plane. There had been times where that had been pretty. Like problematic. And the veil had got so thin that it was becoming something that she could've would've, if she'd been snapped up by someone, be institutionalized for the family. The father especially geared her away from that because she probably would've been, she was very gentle and sensitive and spiritual, and I think she would've been destroyed by that process. I think that, I think he was right in not allowing her to go down that route, but to just hold space for her to work it through and with, support. He knows loads of intellectuals and he knew amazing psychiatrists who worked more with spirituality as part of their practice and worked more in that way. And I think that was the right route for her. But in recent years she'd had a few episodes and also partners that were. That because she was just a hopeless romantic and she hopelessly fell in love with people, which was a beautiful thing and not something that I think anyone should ever stop themselves from doing. I think she was a romantic and she kept falling in love and they kept being the wrong person and it eventually is what's killed her. So that's what's ended up killing her. And she just had a relationship with someone that was in, wasn't with the right person. He was from the sounds of things, just nowhere near emotionally intelligent enough or non narcissistic enough to give a damn about her wellbeing to the point that she needed it to be cared for. He, it was all about him by the sounds of the situation. And so when they had an argument after he'd already been asked by the dad to not go anywhere near her because he could see that. He wasn't looking after her or taking care of her. He ignored the father and carried on having a relationship with her and took her off on some holiday for a month, I think it was in a van, and they argued and he went and dumped her back at the flat, but didn't tell anyone. And everyone had said to him that you need to let us know what she's doing at all the time. Like we need to be in constant contact because her mental health isn't well, it wasn't, they're being controlling or, manipulative or whatever. It was the, and she had a good relationship with them. She possibly was saying, oh, don't worry, they worry too much. But she loved them. She loved them all and got on really well with them. For, she, I don't think she would've been badmouthing them. They had made it clear that there needed to be radio contact, that there needed to be communication so that they just could make sure that she was okay. And, they, this person ignored it, dumped her at the flat and then just went off and was like, I don't need to, I don't wanna speak to you for a bit. We need a break. But didn't then let anyone know, and even when family members then reached out saying, we haven't heard from her. We dunno if she's there. Do you know where she is? They weren't informed properly that she was there, so they didn't know she was there. And basically she didn't eat and drink and just died. It took three weeks or two or three weeks, we dunno how long, but it eventually led to her passing away. And that's a horrible way to go, is a very slow, drawn out way to go. She was probably not having the best mental experience through all of that and was probably not having, yeah, it was probably a horrible time. And it's been heartbreaking to hear. That's what's happened. And yeah, it just, it's it blows my mind that it's even possible for that to have happened, to be honest. As someone who can't even imagine going a day without eating food, I can't imagine that happening. But, she had very strong voices that said things and told things and ideas of purification and fasting. And I think, yeah, it just, she just went with this feeling that she should just stop. And I, yeah, I don't know how to process that. It's horrible. And this is the thing, this is why I wanted to talk about grief, because grief is just tragic and unfair. And I have a list on my phone of the people that I've lost since 2020 and Sophia's number and 18, and. Only one of those people have died of old age. The rest have all died from unfair reasons that are just, some of them are as harrowing, some are more harrowing than that story. And many of them were young. Sophia was only 37. Yeah, lots of them were young and many of them were very delicate, sparkly rainbow people. And I feel that the last two weeks with everything that happened in the government just for Beltane and then putting on Beltane Festival, which was incredible, and it torrentially rained for the whole festival. And then two days after that, finding out that Sophia died has been so intense. It's been such an intense couple of weeks and I felt. Very close to the edge of depression which is an old friend of mine. It's something that I was in for seven years a long time ago in my mid thirties, and I've not slipped into since, but this year I've felt the edges of it again. I feel like it's like a crease when you iron a shirt and you accidentally iron a deep crease in and it's impossible to get rid of it and you can. I found that the closest you can get to giving it a full wash and getting rid of it again, is doing for passions where you meditate for 10 days. That I found really useful because then it was like, okay, that's actually a buffer between me, myself choosing to take my own life, which I have. I literally thought about all day, every day for seven years. That was like a loop or literally a scratch record in my head. That's what I call depression is a scratch record, and my brain just soon as it was left to its own devices, just slipped into this neural pathway and. When I did a vipasana where I meditated for 10 days, I could feel that it was like this iron just continuously going over the crease with steam, just ironing it out. And it was undoing like social media, scrolling and all the things that we do that tighten up and knot up our ego and get us caught in this trap of depression and negative thinking. It does increase all of that, and it's amazing. So I've always had a sense since then that I would go become a Tibetan monk and meditate forever. If I ever got to the point where I felt suicidal again, I'd be like I'm just gonna go do that. But I have had, these, I have had so like the odd suicidal thought in the last couple of weeks where I've just been like, sod this. Like I'm, I don't wanna be doing this anymore. Wouldn't do it. I love the, but this is the thing I. It just takes a split second of a decision, but I don't ever get that close, and it's only just like a flash of a thought. I'm really forever grateful for the love and friendships that I have. So I, they will always keep me away from that cliff edge. But that cliff edge, once you've experienced it, you can smell it. It's almost like a, when you're getting near it basically. And I can tell when I'm skating near to it, and I am, it's geographically, it's not that far away from me at the moment. And in the last two weeks, I've skated much closer to the edge than I have done in years. And yeah, it's just, it's one of those things where it's like. It's so hard when it happens and people do it. When people say it, or religiously it's seen as the most selfish thing you can do. Of course. It's not when you are in that place, you are not being selfish. You are, you want the pain to stop'cause it hurts being an adult. It's difficult and it hurts. And we have you, there's so much pressure to be successful. There's so much pressure to be perfect to hit these expectations that you are putting on yourself. And sometimes you just think, God, it would just be, if I ended it now, then it would be a tragedy and it, but I wouldn't be failing anymore. I wouldn't be, I wouldn't be feeling this pain anymore. I wouldn't be in the mess that I'm in. I wouldn't be as like, it would just stop. Like for me, sometimes it's the. Level of chaos that I create in my life, or the level of intensity and insanity that I'm just like, and I could just stop it. And so I, I get how these things happen and I would never feel resentful or angry with anyone for reaching that place. I totally get how it happens. I trust myself in that situation that I won't because I do care about the people I care about and I'm grateful for the support and love that I get. But I absolutely can see how, I don't think she would've meant to have died. She just stopped. She wasn't eating and drinking, but I don't think she thought that people would leave her there for three weeks. It was totally by accident. No one meant for that to happen. Of course, everyone now is absolutely beside themselves that it happened. I think she, but obviously only after a short, I dunno how many days it takes with not drinking, not eating, that you're gonna be. Even more delusional and your brain will be swelling. And yeah. So there would've been a point where she couldn't have helped herself anyway. And I don't think she would've expected to have got to that point. And how do we deal with all of this? Like, how does one process it? And I have been thinking a lot about Howard's words from the previous podcast of I could go down, which is this depression thing. I could let it swallow me down that plug hole. And when I do, I know how it took me seven years to get back out of that. I don't want to do that. So I'm trying very hard to avoid that. And so then there's the choice of going back up. And what's pulling me back up personally is that I will make this world a better place for people to live in so that the glittery, sparkly rainbow souls have. Protection, have support, have safety, compassion, kindness. And I'm not gonna put too much pressure on that because probably gonna lose more. I know a lot I'm very drawn to sparkly rainbow souls. That's what I'm drawn to. I've married one and yeah, I don't want to get too attached to that because how many of them can I lose before that will break me? But that is the string that's pulling me up at the moment. And I widen that to everybody. It's let's make this world a better place. Let, we need to make this world safe and beautiful and loving and kind. And we are nowhere near through the storm yet. I think the storm is only just beginning. And so we've gotta really look after each other and work together to take care of each other through this journey, because it's not. Who knows how I pretty it's gonna get, but we've seen how I'm pretty and awful. It can get, and there are parts of the world as we speak that are in these kind of levels of atrocity and despair and pain. And we have to keep striving to be better. We just have to keep striving and moving forwards. So grief is complex. It's beautiful. There's a book called The Wild Edge of Sorrow, and that is the book that I read when I lost my first glittery sparkly best friend that I lost in 2020 called Lee otherwise known as Sand Crab. And he's so dear and precious to me and. Wild Edge of Sorrow was a brilliant book of rituals and ceremonies and ways of looking at grief that so helped me through that process. So it's one I would recommend to anyone who's in a similar position or situation at the moment. And one of the things I remember from it that touched me was talking about the fabric of grief. That you have your thread, that when grief comes into your life, you are handed this thread and you feel completely alone and isolated. But actually when you start to follow that thread and move forwards, you reach the edges of this fabric and you look up and this fabric reaches out across the whole planet and not just. Everyone who's here now, it reaches back throughout the whole of history, throughout the whole of time. You could read a story or a book or a diary entry from someone hundreds of years ago, a thousand years ago who talks about their grief. And you could feel that it's the same grief that you are feeling that you both lost a son, or you've both lost a best friend, or you both lost your partner and you've, you hear in their grief the same feeling as you. And it releases the emotions in you, and you cry with that person. You know it, it's the thing that binds us, that unifies us, that connects us all. Donald Trump will grieve the loss of his daughter. He will grieve the loss of his partner. Someone will grieve him. People will grieve him. We, it doesn't matter who you are. You will feel grief at some point in your life? I think it's something that unifies all of us. I think it would be very rare for there to be a human that doesn't feel it. the more friends you have, and the more people you know, which I am aware of at my own expense, the more grief you're gonna feel. I didn't really think about that when I was doing my youth. I have a lot of friends, not because like I'm great and popular, in fact, quite the opposite. I was not a popular person. Something that I've found triggering being here in the Channel Islands, where in a way I'm popular in a I'm inspiring and I touch a lot of people's lives, but in a way I'm not popular in the local community, which is more neuron normative than the Brighton community. And what I left in Essex was a neuron normative world because I am slightly neurodivergent. I dunno exactly how I think I'm a touch autistic. I think I'm on the spectrum with a DHD that. When I'm in neuron normative places, I don't quite fit in and it's quite awkward and clunky. And I'm the town island weirdo, and so I'm not like mis popular in the like flicky blonde hair of, whatever name is in Wicked. I'm more the green witch in Wicked, so it's more been that vibe. But I am a social butterfly in a very far way. So I've been a member and am a member of lots of different groups of friends. So rather than being the central, entrenched person in a group of friends, I'm the fls in and out and comes and parties and then disappears again, friend in lots of different friendship groups. And that means that I have best friends in a myriad of different friendship groups. And beyond your best friends, there's the. Best friends. And then there's a really good friends and people who are really good mates. And then there's people I just like totally connected with because we had a soul connection, like Sophia, I'd say Sophia was never really part of a friendship group other than the foursome of my husband, his best mate and her being his partner. She was then in my initial witchy world friendship group, like the Cove. But out of the coven, she's the one that's been the less connected to us since she split up with my friend Darryl. She went, I, a def and I can understand why he had to do a bit of a separation from me for a bit and then went off with these people that. You could sit because of her mental health. She wasn't very good at staying in touch with people and she wasn't very good at staying commun communicative. But we were on a WhatsApp group and we would chat and we would, have moments where she'd come back into my life and she came to some of the moon ceremonies and things, and whenever she did, we always reconnected and it was like nothing had changed. But she's one of my best friends and soul sisters and also I have hardly seen her for five or six years. So there are people throughout my life that I've had these deep connections with or moments with who I'm not necessarily that close to now, but who I will greatly miss when they're gone. And one of the ways that this wild edge of sorrow got me thinking about it was ritual and ceremony and creative ways, of honoring the person but also. That they're not. If you are religious, you've got that brilliant. I'm not, I was, I have been a born again Christian. I, for me, the somewhere else over there, vibe doesn't do it for me. Also, because, and her father said this in the ceremony, he can't bear the thought that she's in the hands of some demonic forces because she was in the hands of demonic forces here in the outer world. That's what she was seeing, that's what she was experiencing. And she was also experiencing it in the people that she was picking. That the thought that maybe these demons took her is horrible. So that's actually the heaven and hell thing in that situation does not bring any sucker or comfort at all, because that's not, that doesn't feel like what happened in that situation, but that isn't what I feel. Would happen with her or has happened with her because I don't believe in a separate other place. I believe in us going back into the mix of this thing. I don't know at all what's going on. My faith is very humble in that I do her. I don't know. I've got no idea. I like ideas that I've heard of. You get what you believe in because possibly your consciousness just floats off. I dunno, it goes into ether and you. I dunno if you've ever fainted. I fainted and had a dream as I fainted, and I lived a whole life in the split second that it took for me to faint and fall off of a sitting on a washing machine. Not in a sexy way, but I was sitting on a washing machine and fell off the washing machine. And in that time, I lived a whole life. And so there's that thing of, it might even just be the second of the oxygen leaving your brain and the electrical impulses leaving your brain, and then that is you are dead and you're gone. But that moment could last for a billion years. Like it could last forever. You have no idea what, how long that, you know. So it might be that we have the afterlife that we choose, that we've created, the one that we believe in and that we've created might be what our consciousness then, just trips into and stays in forever. It is experienced us forever, but. Actually it was the end of it existing. Who knows? I'm just like, literally I'm pulling these things out the air. It could be that it's a computer game and that we're enlightened beings that have chosen to come here and that we're playing this game. But with that, the reason why I believe in past lives or a allow that to play out in my belief system is because I don't think that the end of this life necessarily means that you finished the game and then you're out of the game and back into whatever. It's, and I don't think the game's necessarily a game as in just something to play for the sake of it. I think it's. My, my made up faith is that we're enlightened beings choosing to come and have a mortal experience to remember or process or work through something. So if in an enlightened state where you're completely zen, something does trigger you or something happens that you like grief, like you lose someone and there's something that you need to work through or you get heartbroken or something that you can go through this mortal experience play or game or whatever it is to work your way through it and that once you've worked your way through it, you'll go back into this light enlightens non-physical state. Having processed it or it, it could just be something that you do as a sort of health spa every millennia you go okay, I'm gonna go back and have a mortal experience, whatever that be. With all of it, I dunno what it is, but I, for me, the being of Sophia. For me now is in nature. That's where she is for me. I don't see her as in heaven or hell or any of these things. I see her as being within nature. And I've done this with all of my friends and they've become birds specifically. So I have birds that I associate with my friend. So Lee is a gold finch and I don't see them often such a treat when I do. And then there's a beautiful song, the Goldfinch, which is part of the Lost Words album. Robert McFarland wrote the book, the Lost Words, which are the words that are being lost from the English language that are children's Oxford English dictionary that are words about nature and were being replaced with words, digital words about computers and tech. And one of them was Goldfinch and I, the song came out and I heard the song. I think the day that I found out that he died. I. And I can't, I don't really remember what triggered him to be associated with it. My, I think it was the song. I think I heard the song and I, it was during lockdown and I basically spent a load of time dancing round to it and crying. It was the song that I cried and moed to. I couldn't hear it without crying. I still can't really hear it without crying. And I did a whole dance with him where I then felt like he was there and we were actually dancing with each other. And I recorded it. It's a YouTube video. It's in my La Luna Coven YouTube account. And we danced together. And then when I did the pilgrimages when I finished the first pilgrimage where me and my ex-husband split up, and I literally, as I was finishing, I was crossing the Mary line and was a, was the end full stop. It was right at the end, a charm of goldfinches, which is what the collective noun is for. Goldfinches flew past me and fluttered by me, and it was stunning and it was so beautiful. It was like Lee just came and said, well done. Well done. I love you. You're doing the right thing. This is all gonna be okay. And now I do see Goldfinches in sarc, not that often, but they do appear and it's just lovely when he does. But then I've also had a sexy moment with him where at the last immersion weekend at the. Commercial weekend. I don't have a bath in my house, so whenever we do the immersion weekends at the chilling, I always have a sacred bath. I have a goddess bath and it's beautiful and I love it. And it's filled with candles and crystals and the girls are used to me doing it now, and they spoil me and they put lovely things in there and it is really lovely. And I have this beautiful time and they often become sexy, like not always, but they often become a bit sexy. And I end up like having a bit of a sexy time and I was just like rubbing oil over my body and was just enjoying my flesh. And part of, I'll go onto this, but that's been the intel that's come from another friend who passed away is to love your body and enjoy your body and to enjoying and relish this physical experience. Because like I say, we are enlightened beings. This is what I believe in, of being enlightened beings. Having a physical experience is to enjoy your body, to, this is so precious. Sophia's not got a body anymore. She's still here. But not in body form. And yeah, I was doing that and then the Goldfinch song came on while I was doing it, and I was like, Lee, you are not allowed in here. Naughty. And then I was like, oh, right then. And I just, instead of crying to that song I just arrived around rubbing oil over myself instead. And it was like we had a little passionate moment together. And I did, I told DLE afterwards, I was like, I'm really sorry. I did have a, like a naughty moment with me. And he was like, I can't believe you cheat on me. I was like he's not physically here. But yeah, I did tell Daron about it. And it's the fact that it feels like people are, like, they're not alive, but they're still here. The story continues, like Anne, clark who's house I squatted, never met her, but I've impacted how her daughter thinks about life. How her daughter remembers her mother. Now people know her story. Her story has gone all over the world. In performance form. Things have changed. Her portraits on my wall in soc, she's come to soc. People are gonna be like, who's this drawing of in years to come when I'm dead and gone? They're gonna be like, who the hell's this little girl? She's not from soc, she's from Brighton. And her pictures here in, so her life and her story have continued. And Matthew is my other friend that passed away, was also one of my absolute best mates. Married to my friend Heather, one of my best friends. And he stopped drinking having. Been drinking way too much. It was all cheap cider. He drank like cheap cider'cause he is not wealthy and was bringing up kids and he was, not drinking spirits, but he did drink a big bottle of cider every night and would get drunk on it. And they were trying to get help about it and they were trying to support him to stop it. But it, it wasn't addiction, it was at that level. Albeit at a very sugary, cheap cider level. And when he stopped, his body was not, yeah, he was prone to what happened, which was that his organs shut down. So all his organs just all shut down. So him giving up drinking killed him and. That was heartbreaking as well. Obviously he left behind two really young children who absolutely adored him. He'd been a stay at home dad. He was such a goofy, silly, funny man. And they absolutely adored him. And it was really heartbreaking. And I asked him because Lee had become a gold finch, I went out for a walk. He died on April Fool's Day, of course. And Heather had to explain that it wasn't a joke that he died. And, I went around and I was walking around sock and I was like, what animal do you, what bird do you want to be? Then Matthew, and then I saw a pheasant feather coming out of the bush and I was like, oh, amazing. It was like a beautiful long pheasant feather. I was like, awesome. So I went to pick it up and then I just saw this little BDI poking up through the grass looking at me and I was like, ah, you are attached. Oh, hello Matthew. Of course you're a giant ginger bird. He was a really tall ginger guy and was hilarious and had big mad bd eyes and literally was just like this pheasant. And so now when I see a pheasant, it looks like a big old ginger Matthew streaking. That's what it always looks like. And I told dizzle that, and he's always I saw Matthew streaking today across the field when I was doing the washing up. And he's just part of our lives, like Matthew's part of our lives in pheasant form. Dizzle never met Matthew Dizz, never met Lee but will always know Lee as sand crab and or as, as a gold finch. And then also we made a fort pillow fort put googly eyes on it and we called it for Fort Sand Crab. And we watched avatar the Airbender, which was Lee's favorite series and drizzle's favorite series. And we watched that with Lee, the sand crab fort, and loved that. And Dle feels like a, the love child of Lee. And Lee's best friend Roe, who's a dear friend of mine who is still alive, also used to go out with Darl many years ago. And yeah, they were just so brothers and sisters, they were so connected. Lee and Roe Lee was gay. And Li and Roe, if they'd had a child, would've been dle. And so I see a lot of Lee in dle, which is lovely. But yeah, my friends who dis has never met are part of our lives and live on through. Our nature connections with them and Matthew as the pheasant. On the last pilgrimage that we did, as we did the closing ceremony, Scarlet was there and Scarlet was friends with Lee and Matthew. And so was fully aware of the pheasant thing. We did the closing ceremony at the end of the pilgrimage and this pheasant streaks across our circle. So my first pilgrimage ended with Lee being there, and my last fourth pilgrimage ended with Matthew doing a streak across it. And it just, it makes us laugh, we all laughed and it was like Matthew was there with us and that was wonderful. And yeah, Heather had an amazing. Vision dream with Matthew in it, where he came and visited her. She said, oh, you're dead. He said, yes, I know. Said okay. Sorry, I a bit abrupt. What's it like? He said you can visit whoever you want, but if you wanna visit people that you don't know so well, if you, celebrities or anything, it takes a while to sort out. But he said it's much more organized than you'd imagine. He said, it's really well organized, which I'm like nature is that for me. Is nature's really well organized? Like nature knows what it's doing. It might seem like madness and chaos to us, but actually nature fully knows what it's doing and. Yeah. So if you are close to and connected to people, you can see them easily. But if you are not so connected to people, then it takes a bit more to go and see them. And he said, but Einstein's annoyed with me and she went, why? And he goes, I've been spending a lot of time with his sister and Heather didn't know Einstein had a sister. And he said, she said, are you flirting with Einstein's sister? And he was like I've just been hanging out with her. And then me and Heather looked at photos of Einstein's sister and she looks exactly like Heather. Like he's got a type ma that was mad. And that was interesting because Heather didn't know that he had a sister. So that was an interesting thing that made it feel more true. And then she said, have you got anything, any advice or anything you wanna say? And he said, enjoy having a body make the most of having a body. And because of that, she felt that he'd given her permission to have sex with other people and have intimacy with other people again. And just to live life, and that was what he. He relayed that to her and to us through her to enjoy our bodies and to relish being alive. And when we finished this final pilgrimage, that was the upshot of it. Like we ended up at this house where someone was passing away and we did this performance and they really appreciated us turning up and doing that because the whole place had been set up for artists and was an artist commune, but they were all really elderly now. And it was actually the daughter who was dying, who'd been running the place for these elderly, relatives for her mum and her friends who were all artists, but really elderly now. And this daughter had looked after them and now she was dying. And it was just beautiful that we turned up when we did and they were very celebratory of us doing that. And the tarot card I'd pulled for that last pilgrimage was the death card. And yeah, there's something. There's almost I feel like partly a calling to do death, doulaing. I've looked at and done some training in birth Doulaing. I would like to do some training in death, doulaing as well. But there's something about death and grief that I find beautiful and magical and actually like what life's all about.'cause there's lots of philosophies. I think the Tibetan Buddhist philosophy is that life is training for death and that we are learning how to die. We are all, we are learning how to die. That's what life is. And the Book of the Dead, I think that's what that's all about. That. It's learning to relax and that's what fooling is. And also working with medicine plants, that moment where you slip through, I was talking about it with Howard, that mercury slipping through a out of a ve have you ever seen mercury slip through something? Slip out of a cup or whatever. It just slips through and it's, that's like, how can we relax and not be making it such a tiny thing?'cause it will still slip, we're gonna die, whatever, we can't stop it from happening. And the more tight and. Trying to control. And, and, And I then also see that with the millionaires and power hungry nut jobs ruining the world and making this world an awful place, really, they're scared of death. That's actually what the problem is. And because of that, they're trying to have as much power and money as they can to somehow try and cheat it. And they probably are, they're probably creating like AI robots and downloading their personalities into them so that there'll be immortals, there'll be some immortal ai dictator not job called Trump. That's a robot. That is almost certainly happening. I, and I heard it here first. That is definitely gonna happen. We're gonna end up with an nu an, an immortal dictator with Trump's personality in it. That's an AI robot. That's what we're gonna end up with. And Elon Musk and all these people, that's what they're gonna do. So they're gonna download their fricking personalities into AI robots. And then we'll live forever. But you won't, your mortal form will still go. And when we did this ceremony with Sophia, like as soon as she, as soon as I heard she passed, and I'd got over the initial, shock moment and I was like, what bird would Sophia be instantly? I went Peacock. Absolutely, obviously. And I said to Scarlet and Scarlet went I thought I'd already thought exactly the same thing. So she's a peacock, but we don't have peacocks on sock. So I also have connected her to swallows because we have swallows that are here and they're colorful, beautiful birds and they've been flying at me and in me and around me, like right over my head. Since I found out the sphere had passed away, that's not happened before. So they've been coming into my, field of vision and making themselves known. So it feels like that's her doing that. But then also in the ceremony there was her father and there were other people linked to her who shared that they'd seen her in sun beams and and the moon beams as well.'cause the moon beam is a sun beam just being reflected off the moon. And that was really beautiful. So I'm seeing a, there's a sun beam on my window ledge right now looking at me. And so I feel like she's there in the sun. And she was so sparkly and colorful and she was all about she used to cover things in CDs. She used to buy old CDs and then make covers around. She had a, what are they called? Yurt. A tiny y the smallest yurts you can get. And she would fill them inside with CDs. But so the back through the hologram bit was what was reflecting out. So you just had this mad, reflective rainbow space that was like a sort of spaceship you thing almost. And yet always the chakras, all the rainbow colors. That's what she was all about. And there was this beautiful poem that got read out of the ceremony that's from John O'Donohue, who again Adam Carra is one of his books, but all of John o' Donahue's books are incredible. And listen to his voice. If you get audio books, you'll get the beautiful Irish accent reading them, so I won't be able to do it justice.'cause his accent's so stunning. But this poem was read out and this, yeah. Reaching out to John o Donahue wisdom is something I would highly recommend. It's a blessing. John o Donahue, on the day when the weight dead ends on your shoulders and you stumble. May the clay dance to balance you. And when your eyes freeze behind the gray window and the ghost of loss gets into you may a flock of colors, indigo, red, green and Azure blue come to waken in you. A meadow of delight when the canvas phrase in the AK of thought and a stain of ocean blackens beneath you, may they come across the waters, a path of yellow moonlight to bring you safely home. May the nourishment of the earth be yours. May the clarity of light be yours. May the fluency of the ocean be yours. May the protection of the ancestors be yours. And so may a slow wind work. These words, I. I just love him. And that in a nutshell is what I turn to and what supports me in these journeys is that they're here and then they're not fixed. It's not the end of the story. They're still part of the story. I have so many stories to tell of Matthew and Lee and Anne and now Sophia, who are not the stories of them being in flesh and blood. They're all like, all the stories that I just shared of how they've moved on and how they've continued to be involved and be part of my life. And I love them so much and I miss them. And I'm so sad that they're gone. And sorrow and grief are. Mad and love where it feels like sometimes you can just lift this manhole cover accidentally and just scoop up this the water that runs beneath the emotional river and drink from it. And feel emotions as fresh as the day they happen. You could suddenly remember a love and connect with a feeling of love for someone that you haven't seen for 50 years. You can drink this water and remember that as fresh as the day it happened, the grief that you feel for the person that you've lost, and that's also beautiful. Something so beautiful about that. I'm going to pull aro. I have already talked for a long time, so I am not going to spend too long on the ring, but I, first of all, am going to take this short break if you enjoy this podcast, then please consider supporting me on Patreon, which is patreon.com/jo Ray. The, I was thinking today about how I am a Savannah animal and how I am currently partly living in a zoo. I would say I basically feel like I'm living in a zoo from having to work in a pub, and I love working in a pub. It's the most savanna feeling job. One candy a friend of mine was talking about me to it was actually my brother-in-law was saying to my husband, oh, Jody says she, does what she does so that she can do whatever she wants, but she's got no money. And what he'd missed, the point was that me being able to do whatever I want, doesn't me mean me having the money to stay in a hotel or get taxis or go out to posh dinners or jet off on holiday whenever I feel like I would love to be able to do those things. But really what freedom means to me and being able to do whatever I like means to me is getting out of bed when I feel like it honoring where I'm at in my menstrual cycle, taking a day off and just staying in bed when I bleed. Honoring where my menopausal, like premenopausal, perimenopausal energy levels are. So if I need to a mental health, like if I need to just go sit in the sun all day and read a book or just chill and do nothing and sit by the sea and listen to the sea, then I will do that. Likewise, when I'm feeling really active and energetic, I will spend all day doing admin and we'll work till three in the morning if that's where my being wants to go. I, I enjoy doing those things and I enjoy it even more when I'm completely free to do them when I want to. And as an artist, I feel like that's absolutely key and I need to be able to do those things and I currently can't because I can't afford to do it. And I would love this to be my full-time job. I would love it to be, I listen to the Blind Boy podcast and I know how much support he gets through Patreon and I know that means that he can make its full-time job. And I'm here now on Wednesday and that's because I gave myself permission to have Monday and Tuesday off. I worked all weekend, I went through Chief police being horrific and having to do all this government stuff at the same time as having to do all the admin and prep and build for a festival and then went into doing a festival. It torrentially rained and it was such hard work because of that. It was gonna be hard work anyway, but it's even more hard work doing a festival in the rain I just I felt so bulldozed by the whole experience and was exhausted. And then at the end of all of that, I had to go straight into Liberation Weekend because people had covered me to do Beltane. I had to cover them for Liberation Weekend, and so I then went straight from taking the festival down on Tuesday to working Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday in the pub. And so Monday and Tuesday this week were the first days I had off since all of this stuff happened. I found out on Wednesday that. Sophia died and I had to just keep working. I had to work and I couldn't not work. I couldn't afford to not work, and I also couldn't let people down. And so Monday and Tuesday were my first days off and I relaxed. And then on Wednesday, which is today I realized that I hadn't done a podcast yet. And so I'm now doing the podcast. Now. I've got worky things that I need to do tonight in that I'm hosting a journalist who's come over and she's going out to a thing. I'm meant to be taking her out. So I've done this podcast with hopefully as little need for editing as possible, which has been quite difficult'cause it's a very, a motive and difficult subject to be talking about. And yep, straight back to work again tomorrow. Somehow I've gotta try and get the social media ready so that's all gonna go out and that the podcast ready to go on Friday. If I had thousands of supporters, I don't even need it to be millions, like literally just thousands of supporters giving a pound a month, then I would be able to literally do. This all week and I could make it perfect and I would have the money to buy kit. That's better. My kit, I thought nearly died tonight and I was like, I actually dunno what I'm gonna do.'cause I haven't got the money to replace it. I don't want to beg, I don't want to beg. I want you to support this and give money because you love it. That's what I want. And. If you can't afford to support it, and that's just so out of your reality that you can't, I would love you to just share and tell people about it because some of those people might be able to afford to support it. And I know I ask this every week, but I'm, I really do need financial help to be able to do this because I dunno how I'm gonna manage to get this out this week. And I need to be able to have a bit of time off. So that I don't go mad and so that I've got, the capacity to do this work. And it's not just putting on a podcast, it's doing the mean ceremonies and holding space for people. And I'm just trying to get my head above the water to try and do what I can to help make this world a better place. I dunno what that means. I always think it sounds a bit childish saying it, but I dunno how else to put it, because it's so complicated and so complex and all I can do is just put out what I put out and trust that's doing something. And I am getting responses from people saying that it is, it's not from multitudes. That's fine. I don't care if I'm making your world better, if this podcast today, as in some way. Helped you, has maybe drawn you back from dark thoughts or has made you reach out to someone that you've realized is in a dark place or has helped you through a grief process, even if it's just you, then I'm so glad that I have, and that's what it's all about, and that's all I care about. So I'm doing this work, just putting it out there, hoping that in some ways it's helpful and yeah, any support with word of mouth and or financial. Will be hugely appreciated. Something that I charge proper money for that. I only do once a year and it's the deepest work I do is the Witch Fool You course that starts on the Gemini Dark Moon this month, so in two weeks time and that's 375 pounds, which is quite a bit of money. But I do have slots that are 175 pounds for people who are low earning. I think you have to put quite a bit of a financial commitment into doing this work because otherwise you don't do it properly and you won't get as much out of it. And that I think is true for the fooling as well. We used to do fooling by donation, which is how I would instinctively and like to do this work. And I found from years of. Administrating and producing the falling work for Jonathan K. That the people who paid 50 quid to come along and do a workshop messed around, got drunk, didn't come in the next day'cause they were hungover, got a bit of a cold, didn't come in just generally with a pain in the ass. They were always the one that asked the most questions and didn't listen to the answers and didn't read the admin notes that were sent through. So they didn't read the itineraries, didn't know where they were going, didn't know what they were doing. The people who paid 500 quid donation off their own backs, who chose to pay 500 quid, they had life-changing experiences that transformed their reality. And I for years tried to have that conversation with people, tried to encourage people to see that they were putting value. If you're doing inner world work, what value could, I mean it, you should be paying five grand. There are people out there in the wellness world who are charging. 4,000 pounds for, or, I met someone recently, he's charging 15 grand for something that he did with me that was good, but it wasn't, I'd say what I'm doing is deeper and more profound than what he was doing. It was good. What he did 15 grand. He said it was worth, I wouldn't say it wasn't because it was in a world work, how can you put a value on it? So the fact that I'm saying it's 375 quid, actually it could be 15 gram. I'm saying it's that because I think you'll get more out of it if you put that in. Now, if you can't afford it, I'm absolutely open to conversations around it. So don't see that it's a fixed fee and therefore you can't do it if it's of interest to you and it's something that you're like, I really wanna do this thing, but I can't afford to do that. What I'm saying is pay more than what's comfortable now. As someone who's poor, I could afford 125. 175 is more than what's comfortable for something that I would wanna pay for. But I could, if I care about something and I wanna do it, I could definitely pay a hundred. If it was 125, I could do that. 175 starts getting uncomfortable. It's definitely in the realm of uncomfortable, but it needs to be that, for it to be worth it for you to get what you need to get out of it. And 375, if you have a job and you've got earnings, that's like a decent chunk, but it's for a month, right? It's a month one course, and there's a lot to it. And but you can do it at your own speed. It doesn't matter about time constraints. You can do it next year if you want to. You could do the course, it will come to you in real time over a lunar month, but you, time is not a constraint because you can do it whenever you want. It's just that it will be running over a lunar month and it'll be influenced by that lunar month. But the exercises and the things that are involved in it, you could do it at anytime you want. You've got complete freedom, it will not be going anywhere. It's content that you'll then have and exercises that you'll then have that you can use forever. But this work is deep and intense and you will get a lot out of it. So I say it's worth investing that money in. So you need to be quick if you want to. There's only a few spaces and it starts in two weeks. So if you want to do that, then email me at nonsense in the chaos@gmail.com and I'll send you more information. Or you can go to Korea Arts, K-R-I-Y-A-A-R-T s.co.uk. And there's the, which fool are you, page on there and it's got all the information and you can email me through that to sign up. So I hope some of you join me and thank you so much and on with the show. My room is for today. Perha potential. So I think I've had this re before it's Lots Cup, it's the gambling cup. And when I was doing IVF, this was the re of pregnancy and it was like Schrodinger's, I think. Yeah, I have talked about this before.'cause I've said Schrodinger's pregnancy before it felt like the potential that there was a baby there. And it is, it's Schrodinger's cat. It's until you open the cup and look at the Dai that are in there, you don't know what your, whether you've won or you've lost, you don't know. So it's that space of potential. And I think that's what I've been talking about with the afterlife, with death with what death leaves me with is the potential for growth. Really. It's that what, how you make it. What you make it mean and how you work with it is up to you. Because we don't know until we die, we can't open that cup and we can't look inside. We aren't going to know what's there. Maybe the Christians were right all along and we are all going to hell in Ahan car and they're all marching off to the pearl Gates of heaven. Maybe we have past lives and future lives and we're gonna get reincarnated. Maybe we'll worm me. Who knows what gets you through the night? And so I did a course with a cult called Landmark Education many years ago. And we created ourselves as possibilities. And that's what this cup means. It's potential, but it's the possibility of something. And with this course it was called the advanced course, and it was yeah, creating yourself as a possibility. We all stood up and said the. Possibility I create for myself and my life is the possibility of.dot. And we'd gone through like a week, I think it was of this workshop working on letting go of our stories, letting go of the story of the baggage so that we were a tabular asa so we were a blank slate. And it meant that you have a canvas with nothing on it. So you take off the religion that your family gave you, and you take off the culture that you're born into and you take off your fears or grief or traumas or depression and all the things. Take them all off. Take them all off. So you've just got a blank slate. What do you want to put on it? What do you want the afterlife to be? How do you want to revere and celebrate and connect with the divine? What is divine to you? What is it that you love? What is it that you want this life to be and to put it on you choose. You choose. And so we went through this whole process of doing that, and we then created ourselves as the possibility. And the possibility I created is the possibility I create for myself and my life is the possibility of a passionate, compassionate, and extraordinary world. And that is who I am. And my whole life has come from that since. So that's the lightning rod that my reality. Shoots out from. So my podcast, my theater, my ceremonies, my books, everything I do comes from this place. I am striving to make the world a more passionate, compassionate, and extraordinary place. And in the face of brutishness, in the face of this cold, hard world, in the face of grief and loss and all the things that are happening. That is what I'm a stand for, and I will continue to be a stand for it. So create a blank slate. Choose what you put on it and decide what's in that cup. Don't just wait, don't, just don't just let things happen at you. Yeah, you choose what's in that cup. And I think that's how we choose what happens. Are we gonna shake the dye? And I feel I have this when I'm gambling, I know when I'm gonna win. I, I had it the other day at the Mermaid. We're doing a meat raffle and, I was walking around the corner picking up glasses as the barmaid, and I heard him say the number, and as he said it I heard him read out the number, and in my head I went, Jolie, and he went, Jolie. And he said it. And I walked around the corner and I said to the people who were strangers sat the table. I went, I knew he was just about to say that. And then I walked in and I won my meet. And I, every time I ever beat my friends at poker, there was a gang of boys that used to do poker night in Brighton. And twice I beat them all, with them all going all in against me. All of them went all in against me. It was extremely satisfying. I was the only girl that was ever allowed to play. So I loved it. When I did win, most of the time I didn't win and I could tell. And then there was these times when I just knew I was gonna win and I did. And it's. It for us with this cup, with the pixel, the universe, we've got to just fully decide we're gonna win. We've just gotta believe it. We've gotta believe that we're gonna get through this, that we're gonna, we're gonna shake that dice and we're gonna open it and we're gonna have Meyer, which is two and one, or we're gonna have two sixes or two fives. Nothing less than that. We're not putting up with less than that. We want Maya, we want two and one, but two sixes I'll be happy with as well. We are gonna have fucking winning hand, right? And even if you don't, you black it, which is the way that gambling works. You black it and you pretend you've got a two and one in there. Even if you're not fully convinced that you've got a two and a one in there, or a double six, just flag it. You say you have and you pass it on. And that is our reality. We've got to believe, we've got to believe that we can make this brilliant. We've got to live into the possibility of a better world, because that's the only way it's gonna happen. So no matter what is happening, no matter what's being flung at you, no matter how dark the darkness is, shake that cup and without looking, pass it on and say it's a beautiful sparkly rainbow moon beam cup, full of love, compassion, passion, and extraordinary possibilities. That is what's in the cup, and that is all for today. So thank you. My loves. I shall see the anon.