#19 As above, so below: Samhain and embracing the shadows

Thick fog is creeping through the garden surrounding my little cottage on the tiny island of Sark, in the channel islands, and in the distance I can hear the haunting sound of the foghorn, warning sailors and fishermen, with its desolate song, to avoid the rocks that stick up in shards and crags around this dragon filled, cavernous, rock. The clocks have gone back and the darkness creeps in. The wind howls around the house and the veil… The veil feels so…  Flimsy.

In this week’s podcast I’m exploring the Celtic celebration of Samhain, and how this time of year is an opportunity to honour our ancestors, tend to and connect with our grief, and welcome the intimacy this time of year fosters between our everyday outer world and the ‘other’ realms that surround us. Celebrating the potency of working with and deepening our understanding of cycles, so that we might incorporate moments of peace, reflection, and rest, into the otherwise never ending sentence of life. 

Join me as I step into the darkness and embrace the shadows. Utilising this opportunity to pause and reflect, at a time of year when we’re invited to mulch, dream, and descend into the underworld, before returning renewed and reborn in the spring.

The music and artwork is by @moxmoxmoxiemox

Nonsense in the Chaos is available on all podcast platforms or you can listen here… https://nonsenseinthechaos.buzzsprout.com You can get in touch with me on Instagram @kriyaarts or the Nonsense in the Chaos Page on Facebook

Please like, follow, and review. Also, please consider supporting the podcast by becoming a patron on my Patreon page... patreon.com/JolieRose. And share far and wide please! The more people who hear about the podcast the better.

Huge love to you all and I hope you enjoy listening to this week's episode!

The music and artwork is by @moxmoxmoxiemox

Nonsense in the Chaos is available on all podcast platforms or you can listen here… https://nonsenseinthechaos.buzzsprout.com You can get in touch with me on Instagram @kriyaarts or the Nonsense in the Chaos Page on Facebook

Please like, follow, and review. Also, please consider supporting the podcast by becoming a patron on my Patreon page... patreon.com/JolieRose. And share far and wide please! The more people who hear about the podcast the better.

Transcript

0:04

The mountains and the caves. Wicked witches. Crusting the unknown. Transcribed by https: otter. ai Thick fog has crept through the garden. Surround. Surrounding my little cottage. On the tiny island of SOC. And the channel islands. And the distance I can hear the sound of the haunting folk horn. Wanting the. Sailors and fishermen. To avoid the rocks. That. Stick up and shards and cracks around. And this. Tracking filled. Kevin. The clocks. I've gone back and the darkness creeps in. The wind. And house. The veil feels so. Flimsy. This weekend. I spent. In a deep immersion. With. Seven other women. We were both. Different ages and. We're spanning different phases. Phases of the feminine experience. Immersing ourselves in the changing of the seasons. This is the beginning of winter. Samhain is the Celtic celebration that we have celebrated for thousands of years, through Scotland, Wales, Ireland, Cornwall. the Channel Islands and into Breton in France, everywhere the Celts ruled we have celebrated the two big festivals of the Celtic calendar. Samhain, means November in Celtic, and is the night of the 31st of October and the morning of the 1st of November. then Beltane, is the absolute opposite side of the Wheel of the Year, the last night of April and the first of May. Beltane is a celebration of life. at Samhain, we have done the harvest. We know what we've got to work with. If we haven't done well, then we are entering into winter in fear, knowing that we are going to be facing hardship. Or we know that we've done well, we've taken stock, and we can see that our efforts have been successful, and that we are going to be looking after ourselves well over winter, and all will be well. Good and not to be feared. But this is when the veil is thinnest. both Samhain and Beltane, the veil is thinnest. And the veil is not between, I think of it more nowadays, and I think most of us do, of the inner world and the outer world, In the time of the Celts, it was three worlds. there was the outer world, the spirit world, and the spirit world was more fairies and demons the kind of little gods, that affected our world. they, I suppose it'd be sort of the equivalent of heaven and hell, but it was one place and it was the other world, at Beltane and at Samhain, Samhain was much more malevolent forces In the spring it was more playful, fairy folk, whereas in the Samhain at this point in the year it was much more demons and dark ghouls. But then there was the third world which is the ancestors, the afterlife, where Those who've passed on will be residing and the veil thins with them as well at Samhain and they appear with us. And that was something that we explored at the immersion. I invited everyone to bring photos of loved ones who'd passed on, and any objects they wanted to put on the altar. we created an altar for grief for Samhain. we had a sheep skull that my friend and fellow pilgrim had carried all the way across England to gift me. At the end of the walk, she gifted me this. Horned ram's head and I had that as the centerpiece of the altar. then we each got up and placed the photos of our loved ones on the altar. And it's one of those things that we just don't make time for honoring the dead in our culture anymore. I believe this is because of the war. the Victorians loved talking about death. was very much part of their culture and most cultures it is. it's kind of an anomaly for Ancestors and the dead to not be part of everyday life. from what I've gathered on my journey, it's because during the war in the years after the war, there was so much trauma and grief that people just couldn't cope with it. there was no point talking about it or grieving. publicly, because everyone was in grief. It's a bit like what's happened recently with the pandemic where it's difficult for people to talk about their mental health or the experiences from lockdown because everyone was in the same boat. you could be talking to a therapist who had a much worse time than you and, had all sorts of awful things happen because of the lockdown. if there's a grief in a family, there'll be therapists or friends or people who were nothing to do with that grief who you can talk to. But when you're involved in something that is global, like the pandemic, like the second world war, it's really difficult to go and talk to anyone about it because everybody's been affected. It's shown up with the wall, it showed up as people not talking anymore about things. And I feel like that's been happening quite a bit with the pandemic. I haven't had much talk about it. Everyone just wanted to get on. And that's what we were talking about with the rest. and the speed of which that we're expected to get back to normal and live our lives again. I think it's really important. I feel like I'm in pretty good mental health and I'm a fast paced person, but I can't cope with any of it. So I assume most people are not in a good place with it as well. we explored grief and it was really lovely to spend the weekend talking about our ancestors. There's some traditions that I think are very healing and I really enjoy doing is setting a place at the table for your loved one and cooking their favorite meal. I really love that as a tradition, cooking your loved one's favorite meal. I also associate birds with people that have passed on and I shared that with the women who were there for the weekend I talked about how my granddad is a robin. And my best friend, Lee, who died in 2020, is a goldfinch. And my other best friend who died in 2021, Matthew, he's a pheasant. it's funny when you see pheasants running across spaces, it's like Matthew's streaking. Because he was very tall and very ginger, and he's the sort of person who would streak across something. when we finished one of our major pilgrimages, right at the end, This pheasant streaks across the space and it had us in hysterics because it was Matthew just kind of, celebrating the end of our journey. last pilgrimage. So we'd walked four pilgrimages and it was this big moment. It was the last pilgrimage and Matthew came streaking across the space. It was hilarious. And then when we were doing the immersion this weekend, having shared that story with the ladies that had come to Sark, one of them pointed out Matthew streaking. And so now I've passed that on to them. It's great that they'll think of Matthew and that's keeping his memory alive. I also took Anne's hip bone with me and she came and spent the weekend with us, which was lovely. And then I talked about my granddad and strangely, On Thursday, I was working at the pub at the Mermaid Tavern, where I work, and a robin flew in to the bar and I opened the doors so that it could get out, but he just sat there on the curtain rail above the window and looked at me. I happened to have my runes with me because it was my aunt in law's birthday. I wanted to do a reading for her and brought my cards and runes to the pub. I said, okay, granddad, what do you want to say? So I pulled a rune and it was Iwaz, which is the I. just a straight line. It means ice and it means to surrender, like if you punch ice or try and hit ice, it's going to hurt, it's going to resist. But if you lie flat and let your body melt into it and surrender to it, then it will thaw, it will melt. And that's the way that you'll be able to penetrate through it and get through the situation And I pulled that rune and then throughout the day, I had a series of messages and things happen that, If I hadn't pulled that room and I hadn't had that message, oh yeah, also when I pulled the room, exactly the moment I pulled it, the washing up in the sink fell over and it had been there for ages and there was no reason for it to fall over, so it was as if a real kind of definite like double whammy. My granddad saying, take notice of this and I went, okay, And so to surrender I surrendered to the messages that came through throughout the day, which were difficult to receive a variety of reasons. Some of them was conflict. Some of them was sad news and I just had to surrender to the situation and I was feeling really tired and strung out. When I went into the immersion weekend, it was, it's been a busy few weeks and I needed the immersion weekend as much as the ladies who'd come to join me. And it. Yeah, we, went down to the beach and skinny dipped, collected stones and then we made a set of runes which we activated after doing that we got dressed up as goddesses, had a lovely dinner together and then as the evening ceremony We did a reading from our ancestors. So from the people that we'd put on the altar, we chose someone specific and did a reading from them with our runes. and shared with each other what our insight and intuition was for each other's reading. For many of the women, it was the first time they'd ever done one. my reading was the same thing. It was relax, trust, trust the process. we all took a bay leaf and we wrote a word on the bay leaf. And I wrote trust and we took them to a beautiful oak tree out in the absolute darkness. Because it also happened to be the Dark moon, the new moon in Scorpio. And we stood around this ancient oak tree, which definitely feels like a beacon tree, beacon trees are normally oak trees that you climbed in as a child and they're very special. And I'll talk to a friend, Gordon, about that one day on the podcast. We stood around this tree where Helen, who runs the Chill Inn, which is where we were staying for the immersion, she'd scattered her father's ashes and we sang. I played the drum and Grace played the guitar and we sang to this tree. then we all Gave out seeds as offerings to our ancestors and we faced out into the darkness. We turned all our torches and lights off and we faced into the darkness and had a moment to connect with our ancestors. And then we burnt our bay leaves which crackled and flashed they're very explosive bay leaves which is why they're so good for spells. It felt important for me to surrender to the process of everything it's the reason for this podcast. It's about us relaxing with the process, trusting the process. Trusting that everything's happening as it should, because that's the only control we have. We're hurling through space on a lump of rock and the one thing you have control over is what you make it mean. this was the feedback I got from the women at the immersion they appreciate that I can say a load of wacky stuff and then follow it up with, and none of it might be true. And so you can take from it what you want. I'll say the most way out. that even, you know, for me, I might think is quite way out, but I'd rather share it and talk about it because these things don't get talked about enough, I feel. And I'd rather talk about these things. And for them to be part of my reality and part of your reality, then it all just be tarmac and Greg's bakers and feral pigeons, which always give us the example, but that's because I've sat. a pilgrimage once and we got to Swindon, and I just looked out this window, I was in a fast food place, like an Asian fast food place, and I was just looking out at Greggs across the road watching these really unhealthy people going in and out, and these feral pigeons and the tarmac, and there was some naff jeweller shop next door, just, I just looked at it all and I was like, what is this? Absolute, Bullshit! is this the best you can do, humanity? Really? I would rather my reality have dancing sprites and ancestors whispering in my ear, I've got you and I love you. I would rather the stars Tell stories that we are guided by the planets and that the seasons are talking to us and that nature is sentient and that we're all part of one big beautiful moving kaleidoscope of humanity that it's all a computer game and it's all just a ride I would rather all of that and it gets me through the night. So, if you're happy with your tarmac and your Greggs, then absolutely no problem I think that's very zen and good on you. I hope you're well and I hope that you live a good, long, happy life. But for me, I need a bit more art department than that. I just need a bit more, you can't polish a turd, but you can roll it in glitter. I need a bit more glitter than that. something that came through very much about the weekend and it relates to the next podcast is the feminine experience. Now, I don't know how many men listen to this podcast. I think it's probably mainly women, but if you are a man listening to this podcast, I invite you to listen to next week's podcast about the menstrual cycle. the reason why. I think that you should is because I am fascinated by this whole, the game of life thing from a computer game perspective. for me, my belief is that we are currently likening it to a computer game because that's the newest technology we've got. Of course, we wouldn't have been doing that. 500 years ago because the technology didn't exist. And so it's only a very limited concept based on where we currently are at. whatever this thing is, is way more complicated and incredible and mind blowing. we could be a cell in a body, you know what, who knows what we are. We could be a bubble in someone's lemonade. We. Absolutely no idea, right? All parallel universes, all the different things. There's all these different things that we could be. I love thinking about it. I love hearing people's theories. I love hearing people's ideas on it. I want to know, because I think, it very much colors and affects what someone's reality is. In my reality, I believe in past lives. And the reason why I believe in past lives is because when I was a little girl about six or seven I realized that I was a little girl, I know for a fact that I have been alive before as a man. And I was shocked when I found out that I was female. And yes, that could be because the roles that are assigned to the feminine didn't fit me. I was a little tomboy. I could climb trees higher than any of the boys I knew. I didn't see why I had to be a girl when I was, stronger and better than the boys that I knew. But there was also something more definite than that, like I definitely have been male before. I have a really strong sense that whatever my last life was, I often say, like some sort of dandy, it does annoy me when people are always saying they're a famous person. I don't, necessarily think that I'm a famous person, but I think I was some kind of well received, well known, celebratory bloke, who was a bit of a dandy. I think I was gay, but I think I swung both ways. And I think I've got some kind of difficult relationship with women and with femininity, which is why I'm really intrigued about the female experience and why I'm inviting you if you're a man to also be interested, because we should be fascinated by everything. Like everything's fascinating. Why would you not be fascinated to know more about? What half the population are experiencing, I feel male, I definitely am, I would say I'm trans, and I I'm a man in a woman's body, but I no longer feel like I am now, I feel like I've transitioned into being female. In this journey of life that's because of the things that I've gone through, but also because I've been like, man, this is actually pretty cool. if you're playing a computer game and you play on the easiest setting, there will be certain things that aren't added in like certain levels of skills Like it gets harder, obviously. So you play it on the easy setting. being a man, especially being a white man in this world is like playing the game of life on the easiest setting. So yes, you have done really well and are in charge and all the things that happen, but it's like, mate, if you weren't managing that, that would be really embarrassing. So it's playing it on the easiest setting. And then when you're a white middle class female, that's like slightly harder setting. Then if you're black, that's a different setting. If you're black and gay, that's going to be a different setting. the settings get harder like in a computer game, you want to know what happens in those different levels? what is it that's harder in that setting? And the thing with being. female is that we have four phases, right? when you're bleeding, you're exhausted. It's a mini death. we have this monthly experience of dying where we stop. We can't do anything. We're absolutely exhausted. and you then reflect back and go, Oh, that's why I was being like that. Or that's why I was feeling like that. It's not me, but it is you. It's just a different part of you. So then you have a week where you just have testosterone in your body. So women do know what it feels like to be male, because for one week, each month, we just have testosterone. So we do understand the masculine experience plus the whole world's set up around it, And then the next week, the estrogen begins to trickle in and I can feel it. Creeping in like you can feel it. You start just getting really sexy. You're really horny. you build towards ovulating and in America, I think I'd talk about this next week with Heather, cause we already recorded next week's podcast. But, in America strippers who are on the pill and the same amount of money. all the time whereas strippers who aren't on the pill and ovulate earn three times more money than those on the pill when they're ovulating. So if you want to get a bank loan or do anything like that then you go and you go do it on this three day, two three day window. Well, you're ovulating and that's amazing. and then the progesterone trickles in, which is the pregnancy hormone, then trickles into your bloodstream. the reason why you get angry is your estrogen spiking. the estrogen keeps building and the progesterone kind of tries to soften it off. But, you're already completely full of estrogen. And I, from doing IVF, I sort of overdosed on oestrogen and so that's why I feel So you have this week where you're really angry and I used to see it as a bad thing and I used to be really apologetic for it. And now I'm like, actually, that's when it's really good for me to have those difficult conversations with people that I don't want to have. Because in the week when I'm just testosterone creeping up to ovulation, I'm just much more pliable. I'm much more tolerant. yeah, just things don't bother me. And so. Someone could be being an absolute nightmare, but I'll just be alright with it because it's not bothering me. When I then get into the week, which is called the wise woman week, when you're building up to your bleed, I just have no patience, but I think that that's, Also, an opportunity to tackle the things that you're ignoring otherwise, and to have those difficult conversations. Now I work with that and I allow it and I let myself stop when I bleed and I honor each phase of the menstrual cycle. And I also honor that cycle within the year. So, spring, I'm going to be all active. Summer, I'm going to be active and autumn. I'm slowing down like I am now. And then winter I stop and I let myself stop and it's giving yourself that cyclical experience. I think we could all benefit from that. I think men and women could benefit from that and you could follow the moon cycle. the full moon is building up to ovulation, full moon is ovulation, the dark moon is the bleed. As a man, you could follow that cycle. And I tell you, it's, it is an absolute, I'd say, God sen, God essen. It's a God essen. It really is. My life is so much happier not doing one big long linear, you're born, you go to school, you go to college, you go to university, you get a job, you retire, you die, I can't deal with it. that's why I feel like I have embraced and become female in my experience. I'm definitely predominantly masculine in my personality, but I'm in reverence of the feminine. I'm in awe of the feminine and women have got magic bodies and they can make babies. I haven't done that. my body can, and it's got the capacity to do it and just to be around people who are. on the, immersion weekend, we had several women who've not had children like myself. some entering into, The menopause perimenopausal, menopausal, women who are now becoming grandmothers and are, very much entering into the menopause and then women who are just becoming mothers now who are pregnant, there was someone pregnant and it's just all those different phases, what an honor to be around and especially at this time of year because Hecate, the goddess Hecate, who's the triple goddess, the virgin mother and crown, She's very much a Samhain goddess. it is about the seasons and the turning of the seasons. interestingly, the Celtic symbol, the three spirals, is the symbol of Breton, but it's the symbol of the Celtic symbol. And that is the goddess. It's the, but it's also the spirit, the outer world and the dead. And yeah, this kind of the trinity that you get. Time and time again in things in the cycles and spirals of life. Hecate is the virgin mother on Crone, so she's the triple goddess. her temple or places to connect with her are, three road crossroads called Trivia. And there's one just at the end of my road, my lane, it's called the S Bend, my S Bend wiggly lane that my house is on the end of. And that. connects with a three road, junction, one going to a thatched cottage with the witch's step on it, one going to the uppercary where the Pook, it's called the uppercary because it's the home of the Pooks, which is the Sark fairies, and then my house. So you've got the witch's house, the witch's step and thatched cottage and the Pooks, which are the fairies. on that crossroads is a Hawthorn and Hawthorn trees are, Hecate triple goddess trees. you have the spring where they have the beautiful blossoms that are called virgin cunts and they open up and they've got these little pink dots in them and they're so delicate and really beautiful, but they smell of death. They smell sort of pissy, Hawthorne blossoms got a sort of pissy smell because they are attracting carrion. death insects. So you've got this lovely virginial springtime mode where it's all white and fluffy and fluttery. But actually has the smell of death and then in the summer has those red berries which are heart medicine and this is the mother and she looks like a sexy flamenco dancer the Hawthorne berries actually are heart medicine and the whole Hawthorne tree is a supporter of boundaries it supports the boundaries of the blood capillaries to pump blood around the body, doctors prescribe it, it's like a known heart medicine and then in the winter is this gnarly dark tree with nothing on it and it's spiky on the trivia near my house, this junction, there's this hawthorn tree with a big old mad gnarly branch and another branch wrapping around a little branch. So you've actually got the Virgin Mother and Crone Trinity in the branches of this tree, three branches. So it's very cool. So I leave loads of offerings there. That's kind of one of my special places. And so, yeah, we worked with Hecate over the weekend and connected with the feminine and the different phases of the feminine. And it's something that even women are having to learn. I'm so glad that I learned about this while I still had my menstrual cycle. I know a lot of women who have learned about it after their menstrual cycle stopped, and it does feel a bit of a robbery. we've been stolen of that, the opportunity to work with the cycles. And I'm so glad I don't take contraception chemicals, artificial hormones, because I've really got to experience this cycle. From a truthful place I love it and love working with it, I highly recommend for men to explore this and Get to know it because it is like learning about a different level in the human experience. just to learn about different people's experiences. I find it all fascinating. I've really interested finding out about trans women. so testosterone blocks the tear ducts. So it's not just that men are repressing their emotions. They literally can't cry. And I've got a lot of testosterone in me. I find it really hard to cry. And there's a moment when You become female, like it's the birth of the woman in you from taking oestrogen is the moment that you start crying and your tear ducts work. I just think that's really fascinating. I have more in common with trans women than I do with mothers, even though I'm a woman with a womb, because I did IVF and I used chemicals to try and simulate and stimulate pregnancy and it didn't work. I have more in common to talk about with trans women than I do with mothers because I didn't give birth. I'm not a mother, I have used chemicals and overdosed on estrogen and I can talk about injecting. And so I just have more to talk about with trans women than I do with mothers. It's just, you know, my experience and, Hecate is definitely one of my archetypes. So even though I'm no longer a child and not a virgin, shock horror, and. I'm not a mother and I'm not an old woman. I seem like I'm all of those things. So I've got a real child likeness. Children think I'm a child. Children always treat me like I'm a fellow child. mothers and the female mothery experience. I've done training as a doula. I'm really interested in midwifery. pregnancy and birth stories and absolutely in awe of the female experience of Making a human with your body and the spiritual journey that that is and trying to support natural birth and home birth. and then I also am a really old soul and have an old woman ness about me as well. So I've got the crone in me too, and I love hanging out with older women and chatting I love being around older women as well. So yeah, I feel like if I ever do get burnt at the stake, it will be the hecate part of me that gets burnt. She's the, she's the doesn't take any prisoners and, dark and scary, cause women Our roles used to be that we would be the life deliverers. So we were the gatekeepers. We would deliver the babies and we would welcome the life into the world and support that. And then we also used to lay out the dead. if people needed to move on and they were in pain, then there was things, there's medicines and things you can do to help people go to sleep all of these things that were just part of everyday life. folk tradition and then all got called witchy. And that for me, I mean, it's something I've talked about and I probably will talk about more in future podcasts, but what I think of as being witchy is the feminine. So it's all the stuff that isn't that testosterone week where we're basically men, everything outside of that, where we're suddenly really sexual or suddenly really angry and wise woman y and short tempered but intuitive and connected and connected to spirit all of this is all the stuff that's seen as witchy but it's just the female experience and it is weird to men because they don't have it. some men do, like some men have got a lot of feminine in them, my partner. He's feminine and is connected to the fae and he feels like a faerie being. but it's the feminine experience that is given the term of witch. And yeah, Hecate is definitely the witchiest bit of me. The bit that doesn't sit well with the male experience. If you enjoy this podcast, please consider supporting me through Patreon. My Patreon profile is www. patreon. com forward slash Jolie Rose. This is a way for me to make a living as an artist whilst living on a rock with just 500 people in the middle of nowhere in the Channel Islands. I moved here in 2020 and before that I worked in theatre and had a living from working in the arts and had been doing so for 20 years and had done very well and had never had to have another job. I'd always just been able to work as an artist, which I'm very proud of, but Like I say, things were going fast and furious in the outer world, and I was working till like 2, 3 in the morning, and it wasn't sustainable. And when I moved to the Channel Islands, part of it was to escape the reality that we're being sold, and I'm not buying into it anymore, and I don't think we should work that fast and that hard. There are other ways of living. And so I've moved somewhere much slower and much quieter. I've still managed to make it really busy because I brought me with me. But I am endeavoring to live a gentler life here. And something that would work really well would be to write. This is a writing haven. So I would love to support writers coming here. I'd like to be able to create writing retreats for people to come here and write. I would love my books to get published. And I am able to reach audiences and share ideas and connect with people through doing these podcasts. this work means that I'm able to be an artist and create through the internet from a place where there aren't many people Using my creative brain to work out what I can do from here. that's something I would recommend people doing is like, what is it that you love doing and that you will want to do anyway? I love doing this podcast. I would want to do it regardless of making any money from it, but then work out how to make money from it. You know, so look at the things you love doing and then think, how can I make money from it? And for me, it is. reaching out to people to support me as patrons of the arts. you do get some extra free things. You get to see the videos of the podcasts and I also post lots of extra content on there, but really you're doing it just as a support, just to say, yeah, I enjoy this. If you think that you would buy me a pint once a month, just to say, thank you. then it's the equivalent of that. Or if you would come and watch my theater show or comedy show once a month, then it's significantly less than buying a ticket to a theater show these days. I'd really appreciate the support. if you can't afford to. Support me financially on Patreon. That's not a problem at all. what would be amazing is if you just went on your WhatsApp and just did a massive share and just shared this podcast to anyone you think would enjoy it and just recommend it to people. You could do a post on your Facebook or social media, but directly sending it to people you think would like it, would be amazingly helpful. The more listeners I have, it feels more supported, you know, I'm reaching more people. if you enjoy it, then. Hopefully other people will too. So it's worth putting out there but I absolutely love doing this. thank you so much for listening. I am doing a live performance in Guernsey. If you happen to be in the Channel Islands, so the Kooky Club on the 21st of November. So the Kooky Club is a pop up, high tea where we have surprise guests I interview them. I'm the, the interviewer and I chat to them about whatever work it is they're doing. And this one is going to be in Candy Gardens and it's the night of the museum. So it's museum based, special guest. I don't even know who they are yet. I'm excited. But if you're able to come to that, that would be great. The night of the 21st of November, if you look up the Kooky Club at Candy Gardens, then come and join. I think it's nearly sold out, so get in there quick if you'd like to. The high tea's always delicious. It's one of my favorite things to do during this night. I get delicious food, have a really interesting conversation. And it means I get to have a trip to the big island, to the big rock and sort of dip my toe into modern life. but it's so nice being over here in winter and Samhain. When the nights get dark and we're all cozy in our little cottages. I love living here in the winter. this is the life I moved over here to be part of. Slow and sensory and absolutely at the mercy of the elements. Anyway, back on with the show. So I'm going to pull a rune for my runemation to see what the universe wants me to talk about. this is the new set of runes that I picked up from Port de Moulon and then painted and activated as part of the Samhain immersion. the rune I have pulled, well that makes sense, it's Eowaz, the Yew tree, so this means as above so below. The yew tree is a very special tree and I'll talk about the yew tree, in other things because it comes up a lot in my life. It's my favourite tree, but don't tell the other trees. It's the only tree that doesn't, well I don't know if it's the only tree, but as a tree, it doesn't grow in rings. So, you know, you can age a tree by cutting it in half and counting the number of rings. This doesn't grow like that. It has a crazy gnarly shape to it. That's splitting open and is associated with resurrection and reincarnation and in the way that like a snake would shed its skin, it just peels open and sheds its bark and a new tree grows up inside it. And if its bowels drop to the earth, which they often do because they're really old. the bowels will drop to the earth and then they'll take root and then they can start growing. So in theory, these trees can live forever. the big ones you find in churchyards will be at least a thousand years old, there's quite a few that are claiming to be over 2000 years old. There's different reasons why you get them in churchyards, quite often you'll find them in churchyards as shrubs or, hedges. Because. when you would have animals roaming around and grazing, the yew trees are poisonous. so churchyards are the only places where you could have them growing where they weren't going to kill your livestock. you tend to get yew trees in churchyards and then they've become very much associated with death and life and rebirth and the resurrection of Christ they are evergreen and they do have red berries in them. So they've got that sort of Christ like Christmas tree vibe I like the holly. The holly is associated with Christ because the blood of Christ with the red berries and the crown of thorns being the spiky leaves. yew trees are in that area. they Often are older than the church that was built, so they probably would have been a sacred site with this ancient yew tree on it that the church was then built next to. one of the main yew trees in my life is the one in Wilmington, in the churchyard of Wilmington, where I based my story Sisterhood around. And the. beautiful ancient yew tree there, it was over 2, 1, 000 years old and the church is built between the yew tree and the view it would have had of the long man of Wilmington, which I think it's the oldest chalk figure, in a hill and the figure is standing on a hill that's, North facing, so the sun comes up over it, at midsummer it comes up directly above the figure, there are fields nearby called Bel, or something to do with Bel, and so it's suggested that he's Belenus, or Belinus, depending on how you pronounce it, the Celtic sun god. And then there would have been this yew tree nearby, which probably would have been a site of worship, and then this church was built between the yew tree and the sun. The Long Man of Wilmington, kind of blocking them from each other. But the church and the yew tree are what I based my play Sisterhood around with the three women in the 16th century locked in Wilmington church. And in the morning they're going to face their trial for witchcraft. the reason why they've been locked up and put in there is because they all were there at Beltane, not meeting each other. They didn't know each other. They were there for different reasons to do something. at the Yew tree for Beltane one of them, it was like, as a curse, one of them was for fertility and the other one was to have collected the leaves at Beltane the, work that she did midwife they all got caught and they all got put in the church. And I made a wand out of a stick from that yew tree. the wood of the yew tree is extremely strong and was used for long bows because it's so strong. it can take that level of pressure and it's almost unbreakable. It's so strong. So I've got a beautiful wands made from a stick that had fallen off of the yew tree in Wilmington. But then also when I did my first pilgrimage, I walked from Cairn LaBowl, near Land's End in the West Country, to the Norfolk coast. I was struggling to get up and over the Cornish, styles. they're called Cornish hedges. I really need a stick. I'd got a stick and I'd called it John because that was the name of the male friend that was with me. He was a ranger. he was doing, pilgrimage walking boot camp with me, teaching me about walking with my friend Fran, who's been staying with me for the last week. Little shout out to Fran and John, you're both awesome. they walked with me the first 10 days of the pilgrimage and really supported me, it was so nice to have my friends with me. But I wanted them to continue in some form once they left. And so I had a little acorn in my bum bag that I'd called Fran, and then I had my stick called John. And then they left. And then I've stayed at a dairy farm this. Dog instantly just ripped my stick called John to pieces. So I just thought, okay, well that was, it happened so quickly and like absolutely just happened. I was like, okay, well that was meant to happen. I then went and stayed with a friend of mine who's part of a family called the Wilsons, and it was the first time I'd met the sister Bex I know the brothers really well and I've over the years got to know the sisters from doing pilgrimage mainly She'd walked with me that day and we went and stayed at her house and her house was on a really old estate where there was a manor house and stuff and hers was what would have been, I suppose, like the groundsman's house or something. And she had this giant ancient yew tree in her garden, which is clearly over a thousand years old. she said that there was a branch that stuck straight up and she'd always thought it would make a really good staff. it also sort of annoyed her because it was at odds to the other branches. And so she said, why don't you take that and use that as a staff? Her brother, Kieran, who's a good friend of mine, climbed the tree and sawed the staff off. then I had this lovely yew staff that was strong and solid and had a little sprig of Christmas tree at the top of it, which I loved. And so I was walking with this Yew tree walking stick called John, that my friends had gifted me. And then Gordon, who's the person taught me about Beacon Tree. So I guess this is the universe telling me that I need to interview Gordon, which is, Will be a delight. Gordon and Geraldine, his partner, got in touch with me. I hadn't met them before. This was the first time I spoke to them and they said, Oh, we've got something for you. And it was September. And so I was like, Oh, I hope it's mushrooms. I went and met them at this church yard, St. George, something, St. George. It was in Somerset and Ogbourne, St. George is what it was called. So I went and met them at this church They gave me a stick and I was like, Oh, this is awkward because I've already got a stick and the sticks very special to me. And I promised that I'd take John to Norfolk. I don't want to give up this stick. But then because I do feel like life's a game, I also see it as a play. I work in theatre. I've worked in theatre all my life and in improvisation, you always say yes to the offer. And so I spent the day walking with Geraldine. Gordon wouldn't be able to have walked with us. It was too elderly. But, Geraldine came walking with me and we had a gorgeous day together and she was a complete stranger and I had a lovely time getting to know her and hearing about their relationship with these sticks and how they were healing sticks that were made of hazel that had been activated by being put in a bag with an old stick, an ancient stick, and they We're very special and anyone who's given one was called a guardian and there were 80 guardians and there were often guardian meetups where people would meet up and they would all have their staff and it was a really special thing. And I was like, okay. In an improvisation you say yes to the offer. So I said, okay, I'll take this staff, but you have to take John. So yeah, he's a yew tree stick and he's really special to me. And so you have to take him. And they took him and they activated him and he was the first non hazel staff to be activated. And then someone else got him. So he's someone else's guardian of John. But actually next year, I'm going to walk the Michael and Mary line again, and I'm going to see if I can get hold of John and take him all the way across, because I promised I would, I get postcards and updates from John, which is great. So I've got this staff out there that I have this weird friendship with that keeps in touch with me, which I love. I just love that. And I've got my healing stick that Geraldine and Gordon gave me. And I called him Sherwin, which was named after the only other pilgrim that I met on that pilgrimage. He was an Indian guy and yeah, really special. and Yew trees are just such an amazing tree. Like they look incredible. Like Kingly Vale outside of Brighton. If you Google Kingly Vale, it's an ancient yew tree forest, which you don't get very often. I think they were the first or original trees that we had in the UK. England would have been covered in this yew tree forest at one point. And, my God, you can see why we would have had Druids and stone circles. it's just the most witchy, magical cathedral like tree. Looks otherworldly. I'm not surprised that the UK turned out to be as magical and become such a sacred land as it is because it was covered in these trees. the berries are known to most people as being poisonous. it's actually the seed inside that's poisonous. You know how with a lychee seed, it's a shiny seed in the middle, and then you have this gooey flesh around the outside. my friend knew a little boy who used to swallow the pip's hole and he didn't die. So I think it's actually only if you crunch into them that it will kill you. but they are, I think they're cyanide, like they will kill you. when I was saying about, women knowing medicines that would help people pass on if they wanted to, you would take people bunches of flowers that would have sprigs of yew tree in it and you would give them to people who were, in a lot of pain, who were bedridden and they could decide if they wanted to eat the seeds or not. It was up to them, so that was a known tool for supporting people to in their lives if they wanted to. I actually absolutely love the taste of you berries, but I am saying this with 100 percent obviously, be really careful. And the thing I always say to people is if you eat you berries, You have to spit the pip out. it's just the flesh that's edible. if anyone sees you, you must tell them. So, I only ever eat you bury flesh when no one's around. And then if anyone comes along and sees me I'll explain to them that the pip is deadly poisonous, and it's the flesh that's edible. But they are, sweet and kind of slightly, they don't taste like roses, but they're really sweet. They kind of remind me of Turkish Delight, but not really rose tasting. It's more just really sweet. They're the sweetest berries there are and I love them. They're delicious. But yeah, don't swallow the pip. in terms of the rune, as above so below, that's exactly what Samhain is. it's the veil being thinnest between this world and the other world. And And how so when you are pulling this room in a reading, it's normally about how we create our world. we talk about this in fooling. It's create or be created. what's happening in your inner world will reflect in your outer world. And actually I almost find it more useful the other way round it's quite hard to see yourself. We even literally have blind spots in our eyes. knowing who you are and knowing what you are, I find the best way to do that is to look at the outer world and see it as a sign language for the inner world. the way that people treat you, the way that people react to you. The things that happen, the things that come up, they are telling you what you're like. And some of that's hard, so I've been doing quite a lot of shadow work recently, been getting upset about some of the things that have been coming up and have been said, or that I'm having to deal with, I'm getting triggered by a few things, because I am in this weird community where I'm in amongst people that I wouldn't normally talk to. Choose to be around and it's interesting because I'll see on Instagram and all these memes saying, you know, get rid of those who don't support you and if people haven't got your back, then get rid of them. I do agree with that to an extent. I think if you're living in the UK, where you have access to thousands of people and you're in a group of friends where people are bitchy and they're putting you down and they don't support you to be who you want to be. Literally fuck that. Get the fuck out of there. Wait, there's no excuse. Just get, get out of that. The situation I'm in slightly different to that because I've chosen to be in a small community because I want to learn. To support community cutting across all the different tribes and the different songlines and wavelengths and genders and classes and all the groups that I see as my enemy to find how I can connect with and work with. everyone. that's my job at the moment. My mission, my quest that I'm on, my question, my quest I on is, is can I see everyone as me? Can I meet my twin in everyone? it's a challenge. I feel Like lots of things have been coming up and it's challenging me to be strong with my boundaries to utilize my angry wise woman to speak my truth and stand up for myself and people I care about Yeah, it's hard. It's really hard. But as above so below create or be created this weekend was so lovely because the things people said to me at the end. We do a closing ceremony at the end of the immersion where we feed back the journey that we witnessing everyone being on and the feedback I got it was funny all the way through everybody else's, I was like, Oh God, when it gets to me, I'm going to absolutely fall apart because that's where I'm at at the moment is just feeling Like I'm just doing badly or like, that I'm a bit of a dick or I don't know, just feeling bad about myself because not everybody here likes me. and then realizing that, in my head, I believed that in Brighton and in the life I had previously, people did just like me. I remember the first time I had an enemy, it began with one. then I fell out with a couple, like people in a relationship, couple fell out with them. And then that led to a bunch of stuff happening with a group of people. So it's, it's almost like it's doubled exponentially because now I'm on an island where it's just like a whole, Oh, it's this island. Guernsey and then I'm doing things like writing for the Guernsey press and I got my first troll, sort of hate mail. it wasn't really hate mail, it wasn't as savage as that, but my first negative thing come through the post. It was obviously an old person who did it, which was funny and kind of cute because they didn't do it through social media. They did it through the posts, which was funny and, and it didn't make sense what they'd said. It was actually really amusing. And also there was a bit, I mean, I only do positive intentions with everything I do in terms of what I think of as witchcraft because this is what I was saying about is the feminine experience if you're an old woman living in a house on your own in a world where there's rape and pillage which there is in all worlds but very much in medieval times you could get raped and pillaged at any time. The only weapon you have is psychological warfare. saying that you're putting a curse on someone or you're going to do something negative to them and messing with their minds is literally the only defense you've got. And we call that witchcraft. But I call that, using what tools and assets you've got to hand to protect yourself. Because otherwise, there's just men with swords and muscles. Against you, an old woman, what are you meant to do? Be as scary as possible. Make them think that their lives will be cursed if they do anything to you. that's all you've got. And that is witchcraft, that's the feminine. I was in my early twenties and I was on the bus and this old woman, got on the bus and just shoved past me. I went, I curse you. as I said it, the bus stopped and she flew to the back of the bus and everyone had heard me say it. I just got off at the next stop. I was like, Oh my God, I know that was just coincidence, but I will never do that again. And I never have done that again, but it did make me chuckle when they sent me this, note, it was a bit of my, column ripped out of the newspaper and they'd written a note and sent me this envelope with the address on. And my first thought was, you never give anything personal to a witch, just make me laugh, but I wouldn't ever do anything with it. But it was just like, Yeah, don't ever give anything physical to a witch. That was the first thing like that I'd got. and it was just, yeah, it's just that feeling of being in amongst a more mixed bag of people who have different feelings about me than when I lived in Brighton where we were all kind of on the same page and we've known each other for 20 years. And yes, I might have upset someone on one night or something might have happened when couples split up, things move around and shift around, but it all works itself out in the wash eventually. And it's not like big problems and the things that I'd have had happen where I had fallen out with people over time. I feel like. In all of the situations, we've either healed and become friends again, or I feel like I've proven my, worth or integrity with the way that I've behaved in comparison to the way that other people have behaved. I feel like over time, that's shone through, that I've, not being the one that's bitching and slagging off and, and doing other horrible things. Whereas people who were saying that I was awful have gone on to do lots of awful things to other people. And you're like, hang on a minute. And so I feel I've always, been able to hold my head up high in the way that I've behaved about things. And then it's just the last couple of, well, being here in the last couple of years, it's just got so much more murky. But that doesn't feel like. That's a truth anymore. And that's okay. You know, we're human, we're all human. And some things that I say and do upsets and provokes people, if they're not from the same tribe and if they're not from the same world, and so Create or be created and your inner reflects your outer. for me at the moment, that's a real challenge. And I'm the word that came up and that came from my granddad as the message from the other world was trust to trust the process, to trust the journey to the end. My reading that I did from my granddad at so I was literally saying, This is exactly where you're meant to be. The rooms that came up with community and, I can't remember all of them, but they, it had community in there. so it was, it was saying that that, and I think the community was in my spiritual, was in the water placement. And so it was about the spirituality of what I'm doing, that this is important. And this is inner work to be facing the shadow of, Being amongst people that might not like you and the challenges and triggers that come from that and to still meet people with love and see how you can find a way through that, knowing that we're all one and trusting that we're all one and, and loving thine enemy, How does one do that? So yeah, it's a challenge, but it's exciting and it's interesting. as above, so below, if I keep being outwardly loving and gentle and kind and forgiving, then hopefully that raises the vibrations of people around me and supports people thinking they could be like that as well. And yeah, it'd just be as good a person as I can be. And be a shining light for other people. that was the feedback I got from people at the end of the immersion. it was really lovely to hear that that is how I'm coming across. And how people see me. I didn't fall apart. Like I thought I was going to, it actually lifted me up and made me feel seen understood and supported. that was really nice. I'm a massive fan of the yew tree. And this room is A profound, perfectly Samhain rune to pull. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I hope that you are cozy and have had a lovely Samhain. I missed out on the fireworks night here, the bonfire night, which Samhain was so close to, well the weekends overlapped this year. So I missed out on fireworks and we only get one lot here and that was on Saturday. so I won't get to see any fireworks. I look forward to seeing them on people's social medias and things. I hope you get to enjoy some. I do miss the Lewis fireworks show outside of Brighton with the different bonfire societies. I've been showing the photos to Dizzle, my partner this week, and I would love to try and get. The celebrations that we have at Beltane and we have a fire festival as part of the Beltane celebrations that I organize here. I'd love to up the ante with that and we don't have any health and safety laws here. I'm like, mate, look what they do in Lewis, and there are health and safety laws there. think about what we could be doing. So, yeah, I'm excited about trying to encourage some debauchery and, folk mayhem in the development of the Beltone Festival. So I hope you all have a lovely time and are enjoying this point in the year. It is such a special time of year and it's busy now. It feels like it's warm and boisterous and party and fun up till Christmas and New Year and then that's when you get the proper dark months. But they're my favourite now because that's when we get to stop. Get yourself ready, get yourself prepared for a proper stop. And I do a thing called creation hibernation. I'll talk about that more in the coming months, but it's just an opportunity to go in and write books and do creative work that you've got the space and time to do because everyone else is hunkered down and hiding away as well. this island is so perfect there's nothing better than lighting the fire and being cozy and warm here. occasionally wrapping yourself in waterproofs and braving the horrible darkness outside then getting to the cozy warmth of the Mermaid Tavern the door opening and it being full of noise people and music then getting really drunk before going home. It's a great thing. enjoying stopping and chilling I'm here in my onesie having a nice relaxing evening going to sit back watch some telly and chill out. happy Sir Wayne to all of you, big love, love to you, love to your ancestors. You're the culmination of all their hopes and dreams. This is something I talked about the weekend that, you know, everyone's fought and fucked and died for you to exist and you're that foam at the top of this ocean of grief and you are the hopes and fears of all these people that you're there they're all cheerleading behind you and that's for you to feel at this time of year you're the point of the arrow and your face is pushing up through the fabric of the present and you're here for a very short time and then you're going to join all the ancestors and be part of that Soup of tribulations and trials and achievements and celebrations and joy and sorrow and all the stuff that they were and are and a part of that soup, you'll become part of it and you're having this finite, tiny, short, experience of being physical. It won't last long. So make the absolute freaking most of it. Enjoy every second of it. How wonderful. So yeah, thank you. Happy Sawain. Big love. And I shall speak to you again next week. See thee anon. Uh, Uh, Uh, Uh, Uh, You I don't know.